Barney Stinson quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Barney

You know, I'm not worried about a wildcard anymore, whether its Uncle Vick, Aunt Shelley, or the ringbear.

Robin

Ringbear-er!

Barney

If any of those mammals go rogue, our wedding's gonna be Legendary.

Robin

[curious because he always uses Legendary in a different way but did not this time] No wait for it?

Barney

I've got you. I don't have to wait for it anymore.

Barney

You avoiding the family too?

I'm gay, I'm black and I'm getting a divorce. Those walking skeletons are gonna have more questions for me than their pharmacists.

Ted

It was weird at the carousel. All of it's been weird between me and Robin ever since we broke up. You're my brother, I would never do anything to hurt you ever. I mean it, I swear! I'll even swear on the Bro Code.

Barney

The Bro Code's stupid.

Ted

[gasps] How dare you?! [gets copy] I'd be honored. [places left hand on book and raises right hand] I can't promise that I'll ever get to a place where it won't be at least a little weird between me and Robin, but I don't wanna lose you as a friend, either of you. So I would do everything I can to move on and live with it. The question is, can you?

Barney

You know what? We shouldn't have lied about our story. I love our story. Sure, it's messy, but it's the story that got us here, about to get married.

Robin

I love it too, every messy chapter. I love that you slept with over 250 women before deciding that I was your favorite.

This is killing me.

Barney

And I love that we just had to keep on having sex with each other even when we were dating other people.

This is really killing me.

Robin

And I love that your marriage proposal involved a strip club, lying to me, and pretending to bang the woman I hate for two months.

Barney

I love that we keep a running tally of all the different rooms we had sex in.

Robin

And I love that two weeks ago, we put [looks at reverend] this room on that list.

Barney

Ha? Come on Rev, that's gotta be worth some kind of a reaction, right? I mean, right where your hymnal is where we.. where we.. [notices blank stare; Barney gets closer and sees the Reverend is dead; to Robin] Well, that's not what you want.

Robin

Okay, scrambled eggs. Here we go, where is the egg opener? [Barney and Lily shake heads] Never mind I'll prescramble them. [shakes eggs as Barney and Lily are still shaking heads] OK, fine Loretta. You know what, you win. I don't know how to cook egg.

Loretta Stinson

If you don't even know how to make scrambled eggs, I just worry what kind of breakfast you're gonna be serving my grandchildren.

Robin

[choking up] Oh, well, lucky you, because that is one thing you will never have to worry about. [leaves]

Barney

Mom, Robin can't have kids.

Barney

We tried dating a while back and it was a disaster but I'd - I always regret giving up. It just ended so quickly. [to woman] What about you? You and your boyfriend are gonna go the distance?

I don't know. I think maybe I still haven't met the right guy.

Barney

Wonder if I know someone I can set you up with. [contemplates] Drawn a blank.

Are you gonna get this girl or what?

Barney

I don't know. I'm kind of at my peak right now, I don't know if I can just walk away from the game.

Do you want to keep playing or do you want to win?

Barney

[pause] I want to win. What am I doing? In less than 20 minutes, Robin and I could be-

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's gonna take a lot more than 20 minutes. This is gonna take everything you have got. This is gonna take all of your time, all of your attention, all of your resources. This is the Big One, diaper-man. You got to do it right, can't be messing around picking up girls in drugstores. You got work to do. [leaves]

Barney

Get your damn hands off my mom!

Get your damn hands on my mom!

One on, one off.

Barney

The hell is going on here?

Loretta Stinson

After you boys tracked him down a few years back, we got in touch, we became friends again, started hanging out...

And then one day, she went from being Loretta to being... Lo-retta.

Ted

You can’t anoint yourself king like that jerk LeBron.

Barney

He left the Cavs three years ago, bro, give it up, move on.

Robin

I love you.

Barney

Enough to take this slap for me?

Robin

[sadly] No. [goes behind Marshall]

Barney

Well, as you know, back in my hippie days, a business man came into my coffee shop, told me money was all that mattered, and stole my girlfriend. That's when I decided to become awesome. But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, I went to the one person from whom I knew I could learn everything.

Do we know each other, bro?

Barney

We're all connected in Gaia's great tapestry of... (clears throat) No. We don't. Bro.

Wow, you went to M.I.T. Pretty impressive.

Barney

I did get a perfect score on the A.C.T.'s. Advanced Card Tricks.

Well, look, buddy. You got a sweet résumé. But we don't have any openings you're qualified for.

They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap!

We have one opening you'd be perfect for.

Barney

Great. What do I do?

Please. "Provide Legal Exculpation And Sign Everything." Just show up every day, scribble your name on a bunch of documents, and we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. Deets are in the contract. I'll give you time to think about it.

Barney

I'll take it.

Hold on. Did you even read this before signing it?

Barney

No.

[laughs] You're hired. We'll work on that.

Ted

Wait, that's your job? You sign sketchy legally-binding documents that could implicate you for god-knows-what?

Barney

Best job ever, right?

Barney

[groggy] The secret ingredient... is nothing.

Ted

I ate too much bacon.

Barney

Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie... That's the secret. [collapses]

Robin

Did you just turn off the bride's TV on her wedding day?

Lily

Oh oh, is this your wedding day? I'm sorry! Couldn't tell, because you're acting like its any other Sunday morning, and it's not!

Robin

Lily, if you're waiting for me to suddenly turn into the wedding bride, you just give up, that's not me.

Lily

Fine, maybe we should just act like this wedding's no big deal, and you know what? I don't feel like wearing my bridesmaid's dress.

Robin

Great, it's just a wedding. Who cares what people wear?

Ted

[shows Barney another suit in a different room] SAY YES TO THIS SUIT!!!

Barney

[crying] I can't. I can't! [Ted throws suit on to the floor]

Marshall

Lily... you're gonna have a baby?

Lily

[pause, teary-eyed] I told you guys I could keep a secret. [embraces Marshall]

Robin

Uh Barney, this is my mom.

Barney

Hi!

Hello - [shakes Barney's hand but startled at embrace] Oh! He's a hugger. Nothing like your dad.

Lily

[to Marshall] I'm sorry, I was gonna tell you tonight -

Marshall

No, oh my God no that's fine. There’s so much we have to do. We have to do research on, uh, hospitals in Italy. We have to -

Lily

We’re not going to Italy.

Marshall

Of course we are. Lily, we have to do this. You’re going to live in Rome. And you’re going to get your dream, 'cause you’re giving me mine — again.

Lily

But there's gonna be all sorts of paperwork - and if she's born outside of the US, she could never become President!

Marshall

[startled] It's a girl?

Lily

Oh I don't know, but in my mind, I kinda think she is!

Marshall

I love you so much. [embraces Lily]

Ted

You don't take a man's accidental curly!

Marshall

You take a man's wife before you take his accidental curly!

Lily

If you wanted curly fries so bad, why not just order them in the first place? [scoffed at by the guys]

Ted

Yeah, that's what you want? All curly fries?

Marshall

Regular cut, with a few accidental curlies, that's what you want!

Barney

That's the dream!

Ted

He is right. That is the dream.