Ted Mosby quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Robin

I disagree. It's like Sun Tzu said, "Never give up. Never surrender."

Ted

That's Tim Allen from Galaxy Quest.

Barney

Where has this heavenly vehicle been all my life? Can you hear its inspiring chant, Ted? "I think I can get laid, I think I can get laid..." It's The Little Engine with Wood, the Whore-ient Express, The Long Island Tail-road!

Ted

Oh I got one - Thomas the Spank Engine.

Barney

Ted, that is a children's book.

Barney

Bummer. Anyway, let's make our own bets about this sex tape. I've got Marshall with a surprise piercing at 5-1 odds, Lily with a landing strip at 10-1, Marshall with a landing strip, even money.

Ted

I don't believe this. You were in love with Robin, you find out she's single, and all you've got to say is "Bummer"?

Barney

What do you want me to say Ted? Whatever I thought was there, she thought differently. So, no, I don't care if Robin is single again.

Ted

So if Robin started dating someone else, you wouldn't mind?

Barney

Nope.

Ted

Even if that somebody else was me?

Robin

Hasn't it ever occurred to you that the last few weeks haven't been easy for me either? In the span of one day, my engagement fell apart, I lost my best friend, then I lost my apartment, and now, I'm about to lose my job.

Ted

What do you mean?

Robin

I've been completely distracted at work, and now my boss wants to see me Friday at five o'clock, which in the office is known as "Fire o'clock."

Ted

I had no idea.

Robin

How could you? The one person I want to talk to most barely looks me in the eye anymore, much less returns my calls. Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me and I know how much it hurt that I didn't say it back, but ... damn it, this sucks for me too. I miss you. Is there any way we could just ... go back to normal?

Ted

I don't think I can do normal anymore.

Barney

And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.

Robin

Barney!

Barney

The two ladies will kiss!

Robin

Uh, Lily.

Lily

Sorry.

Barney

And now the gentlemen...

Ted

DUDE!

Barney

And now the gentlemen! [Marshall and Ted kiss] I was going to say "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?

Ted

...and look what happened. You got into law school just like I said you would. See? Things aren't so bad.

Marshall

[cries] Lily left me...and now I'll never have a mustache!!!

Barney

Wa-wa-wait a minute. Who's Melanie?

Ted

Come on, if there's one thing I can count on not changing, it's you walking with some random girl under your arm.

Barney

No. No, I don't want that. For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl, no matter how many boobs she has. I want to be with Quinn. [heads for the door] Guys, you're gonna see a lot more of Quinn.

Marshall

We've been to the Lusty Leopard, we've seen plenty.

Barney

I kinda walked into that one. Alright, byebye.

Barney

Because...I'm dating a stripper.

Ted'

Yeah, I've seen the bus ad. I get it.

Barney

No you don't. Every night, between 9pm and 4am, I'm in Hell. All I can think about is what Quinn is doing, and where she is doing it, and who she is doing it on. If I don't do something to take my mind off of it... You're lucky that you could just go sit around the house, Ted. I don't have that option.

Ted'

Wow, you're in love with this girl -

Barney

I really am, Ted. I mean...she's a stripper.

Ted

Why are you still here?

Robin

[as MacLaren's bartender] Why do you think I'm still here?

Ted

I guess because I'm in love with you. Why else would I be seeing your face everywhere I look?

Robin

[as old patron] Because you feel bad.

Ted

Of course I feel bad. I told you I still love you because apparently, that's the worst thing you can say to someone.

Robin

That's not why you feel bad. You feel bad because you let me go away. I know our relationship wasn't exactly what you wanted it to be, and I know I may not love you the way you love me, but I do love you. Isn't that worth hanging on to?

Ted

[pause] I miss you.

Robin

[as model in Wharmpess Gold beer] So go get me back.

Victoria

Where shall we go? Your place? My place? We could go on my honeymoon. [laughs] Just kidding...although it is paid for.

Ted

I know where we should go.

Victoria

Where?

Ted

Your wedding. I'm taking you back.

Victoria

I don't understand. I thought you wanted this.

Ted

I do want this. I've thought about you so many times, what might have been...but I got left at the altar and it nearly killed me. You're someone's fiancee, and I have to respect that. So let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding. It's the right thing to do.

Victoria

Some part of me needed to hear you say that running away together wasn't an option, and now that I know that, it's like I'm sobering up. Is there any way we can pretend that this never happened?

Ted

[softly] This never happened.

Ted

Oh my God, Barney -

Barney

You unjinxed me! I'm free!! If the bison on the nickel could heard you talk about them, they would diminish their population even further on purpose. If Lily wants a big wiener in her mouth, she's got my number. And I'm sorry you took all the rap for the farting on the car ride up here, that was me. [sighs]

Ted

The ring, what's the ring?

Barney

Right, the ring. I'm gonna ask Patrice to marry me.

Barney

Jinx! Good, I need to say some things without you interrupting. Yes, I am serious. I know that if you could talk, you'd say I'm crazy, or that I'm overcorrecting, or that I'm moving too fast. But you would be wrong. Look, I've banged my way through every bimbo in the Tri-State Area and it left me feeling nothing but...but broken. But now with Patrice, for the first time in my life, I feel settled and happy. I want to feel this way forever. So tomorrow night, on the roof of the World Wide News building - that's Patrice's favorite spot - I'm gonna ask her to marry me. [cuts off Ted] You're jinxed. I'll unjinx you if you follow these two rules: one: you can't try to talk me out of it, and two: you can't tell anybody. Agreed? [sees Ted assent] It's a jinx swear, so if you break it, I get to hit you in the nuts three times with a Wiffle Ball bat. Thank you, Ted. [Marshall and Lily enter the car] Hi, guys!

Marshall

No, but you're jinxed!

Barney

I tricked Ted into saying my name.

Barney

Jinx! Jinx! Ha-ha! The reign of terror is back! [Evil laugh] Hey, if you guys don't want me to smoke or fart in here, just speak up. Nothing? Great. Thanks for the spicy beef jerky, dude.

Victoria

[starts to write letter] Klaus...

Ted

Just Klaus? Give it some heart, the poor guy!

Victoria

"Dear sweet Klaus..."

Ted

Sweet? So what, are you still in love with this jerk?

Victoria

I'm doing this on my own.

Ted

I'm sorry, I feel bad for the guy. I'm stealing the greatest girl in the world away from him.

Victoria

You're not stealing me. I'm choosing you...[kisses him] because you are loving, you are caring, and [gives note to Ted] you are going to give him this note.

Ted

You're expecting me to go there?

Victoria

It took me everything I had to climb out of that church window...and if I had to go back there, I'm not sure if I can do it again.

Ted

[gets note and leaves car but enters and rubs note in Victoria's face] It has to smell like you.

Enough, ENOOUGH! [couples stop] You all have someone who loves you and you're screwing it up over what, who has the most power? That's not love. Love is trusting someone enough to tell them what's really bothering you - and you know what? That's what we're gonna do. [to Marshall] You, start!

Marshall

[to Lily] When you got scared about Marvin, it felt like you were saying that I'm not as good a parent as you. You're an amazing mom, and I will look up to that.

Lily

I probably have trust issues because my dad wasn't there for me, but I know that you'll always be there to catch Marvin.

[to Ted and Victoria] You, next!

Ted

Having Klaus back in our lives made me scared we're never gonna escape the past.

Victoria

I only wanted to help Klaus because I feel guilty of how happy I am with you.

[to Robin and Nick] Next!

I find you so sexy, it just hurt that you don't feel the same way about me.

Robin

I get turned on watching myself do the news during sex.

Oh... That's cool. [leaves with her]

Look at that, no legal documents needed, just honesty and vulnerability. That's love! You see, I once loved someone, only I didn't say it enough. Now I wish I could say it everyday - hell, I don't care if its crazy, I'm doing it. [calls ex-wife] Hello Darlene? Put Tugboat on the line. Hey buddy! Hey it's the man! [leaves conference room]

And for a moment, all felt right with the world, but that very night, the Autumn of Breakups would claim its first victims.

Barney

Welcome to Bangtoberfest! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, [shoots T-shirt roll at Ted] I'm back! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, I'm single again! [continues shooting rolls; one hits woman] Sorry about your eye, I'm available!

Ted

[reads shirt message] Bangtoberfest. This time it's really not personal.

Robin

Barney, you went through some really emotional stuff. You need to give yourself some time to heal.

Barney

Robin, I spent seven grand on merch. This is happening. [puts cap on Robin's head]

Marshall

Guys, guys, guys, okay alright!! Obviously, none of you knows what it means to be a parent.

Barney

[scoffs] Obviously, neither of you two know what it means to be a friend anymore.

Marshall

[offended] What are you talking about?

Ted

Think about it. This is the most we've seen of you two in, five months.

Robin

You don't seem to care what's going on in our lives unless it's an eight or higher.

Marshall

Well, what do you expect? We have a baby now.

Lily

Yeah, the days of closing down MacLaren's are over ... unless you want to get up with us at 5:13 in the morning to a screaming baby.

Ted

So, that's it, the end of an era, just like that?

Marshall

Look, we're sorry if we don't have enough time to sit down at the bar listening to silly little dating problems. When you have a baby, it's not just the most important thing in your life, it's the only important thing. When are you guys gonna get that?

Ted

Think we get it. [leaves with Barney and Robin]