Ted Mosby quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Ted

There's something I need to tell you. I've thought about this a ton and I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but... I'm not in love with Robin, but she's like family to me, and I can't end that. So, can you accept that?

Victoria

[bitterly holds Ted's hand] I really hope you get her someday. [leaves in tears]

Marshall

If Joel uses ringers, so can we, and Nick is our best player, so as far as I am concerned, he can both keep your groins on ice.

Ted

"Groins On Ice"... Least popular Madison Square Garden holiday show ever.

Robin

Why are you so into this basketball league?

Marshall

Robin, its the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30 Who Work In Midtown League. It's The Show!

Lily

You know, it's kinda funny imagining people icing their groins. First it would get a little cold... then the ice would start to melt... things will get all wet, and steamy...

Ted

So, Marshall Eriksen, you just came back from on your third date with Lily. How was it?

Marshall

Great, yeah I just... I think I'm falling for this girl pretty hard. Is everything happening too fast? Maybe I should see other people -

Ted

Dude, no! Lily Aldrin is special, you hold on to that girl!

Marshall

She is, but I'm only 18 -

Ted

Marshall, you being 18 is not a bad thing. It only just means you get to spend more of your life with her. I mean, like, I'm not gonna meet my wife until like I'm, 23.

Marshall

Right. What am I thinking? I'm in love with this girl.

Lily

[having seen the video] Ted, you gave me the ultimate stamp! And my whole life... [gestures to Marvin] this life, it all goes back to that moment. [embraces Ted]

Ted

[in video] I mean maybe take a month off, bang some chicks, Lily's not going anywhere. [Ted stops video]

Barney

Man, this whole free agent experience... it's been an unbelievable experience... a real, humbling experience. First all, the Lusty Leopard is where I developed my game. [looks at strippers] I have nothing but the utmost respect for you skanks...

Ted

Let's just go stay at the Lusty Leopard. They have loyalty and heart, I bet you he rewards that.

Marshall

LeBron moved on Ted, so should you.

Barney

... but Barney Stinson has to do what's right for Barney Stinson's penis. In this fall... This is tough, um, in this fall, I'm going to take my talents ... to Mouth Beach. [Mouth Beach dancers and patrons rejoice]

Marshall

I think that we've figured out what's wrong with you. You see, after we let you go..

Lily

[holds book] What is this?

Marshall

'Marvin's Book of Firsts'? [they browse book]

Lily

[gasps at seeing Ted and Marvin with Santa Claus] Ted took Marvin to see Santa?!? [seethes and closes book] I'm gonna take this book and I'm gonna shove it so far up his-

Marshall

The point is, it made us remember another scrapbook you made. [remembers Building's Book of Firsts about the GNB Tower] That project really was your baby and now it's over, you're scared to move on.

Ted

I poured all my blood, sweat and tears into that building. To be fair, a lot of it happened the day I accidentally fell down that elevator shaft. The point is, it's just really hard to let go, especially since that building's my biggest accomplishment. I mean, maybe if I was where you guys at in life, all you had to be proud of... [Lily gives him a lollipop; they all sit down]

Marshall

We get it, you'll always gonna be Uncle Ted. But if Marvin can't be your next project, you need one of your own, so we rescheduled your meeting with that headhunter. He's over there. [points to black man sitting with children]

Ted

I'll take that. [gets minicooler from Lily] Ted Mosby Store is officially closed. [sees inside of cooler] What spilled in here?

Lily

Breastmilk.

Ted

[gives minicooler to Lily in disgust] Seriously, I give and give, and all I ask back is a little bit of respect! [leaves apartment]

Robin

I'm looking forward to it.

Lily

Fine I'll do it for you. First thing we need to do is set a date- [reveals binder]

Ted

May 25th, 2013.

Lily

Thank you Ted, the ladies are talking.

Robin

Actually, that is the date. Ted offered to help with the wedding, and well, uh...

Lily

[sees Ted with bigger binder] That's a big binder.

Ted

Oh this? This is just cakes. Anyway, we'll run the ceremony at that beautiful church out on Long Island where Victoria almost got married, lovely spot. And then, we're gonna have a big reception in a big white tent on the front lawn of the hotel. The colors are cream and lilac.

Lily

[bumrushes Ted with Marshall holding her back] I'mma cut you bitch!

Barney

That's my sister, Ted!!

Ted

I didn't know! None of us even knew you had a sister until two years ago, including you. It's all a crazy coincidence.

Barney

There are four million women in the city of New York and you had to sleep with my sister. Why would the universe do that to me?

Ted

I don't know. It's not like you've treated women in such a way that wouldn't invite karmic retribution.

Barney

You banged my sister, my sweet, little, innocent -

Ted

Pierced.

Barney

Really, where? [gets on] Don't answer that!! Now I know why I felt everything that you did to her last night. It wasn't a Bro-nection - it was a Sis-nection. Oh my God, Ted did you... [whispers in Ted's ear]

Ted

Big-time.

Barney

Nice, high-five [high-fives Ted, but...] No, NO!!!! Retraction Five! [high-fives Ted again and reverses words]

Ted

Hey, hey you're the one who begged for a proxy bang - and while we're on the subject of family, I'm pretty sure you banged my mom! Mom beats sister.

Barney

I never banged your mom! [winks]

Ted

You just did that winking thing again!

Barney

No I didn't. [winks again]

Ted

Fine, let me ask you something - Barney were you a little sore this morning, especially... [whispers in Barney's ear]

Barney

[aghast] Friendship OVER!! [marches out of bar]

Ted

Jeannette, this is great. We're back together, you're coming to Barney and Robin's wedding. I found two wine glasses you didn't smash. Call me crazy, but I got a feeling that from hereon out it will be blue skies and -

What THE HELL... [shows Playbook] IS THIS?!?!?!

Ted

I think I'm gonna head home.

Barney

I understand

Ted

What, you're not gonna try and stop me?

Ted

I don't know , by telling me life is short, and if you ever come across a beautiful, exciting, crazy moment in it you gotta seize it while you can before that moment's gone?

Kids, it's been almost 20 years since that cold April night in 2013, and I could safely tell you, if I could go back in time, and relive that night, there's no way in hell I'd go to Robots vs. Wrestlers. No, I'd go home. I'd go to my old apartment, see all my old furniture and stuff. I'd see my old drafting table, where I sketched out my first building. I'd sit on that old couch, and smell the Indian food cooking three stories below. I'd go to Lily and Marshall's place, back in that old living room where where so many things happened. I'd see the baby. I don't know if you can picture me holding your six foot seven cousin Marvin over my head, but back then I could. I'd go have a drink with Barney and Robin, watch them fight about their caterer, or whatever it was they were fighting about that night. But none of those things is the thing I'd do first. You know the thing I'd do first.

Ted

Hi, I'm Ted Mosby. In exactly 45 days from now, you and I are gonna meet and are gonna fall in love, and we're gonna get married and we're gonna have two kids. We're gonna love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away, but I'm here now I guess because ... I want this extra 45 days with you. I want each one of them - and if I can't have them, I'll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face, because ... I love you. I'm always gonna love you to the end of my days, and beyond. You'll see.

Barney

Oh I see - and you'd know this because you know Robin better than I do? You know what she appreciates better than her own fiance.

Ted

I'm just saying if I was getting married in three weeks -

Barney

But you're not getting married in three weeks Ted, I am. Robin's marrying me, not you.

Ted

You're right, not my place. Why don't I get the next round.

Lily

Ted, if this means so much to you, why don't you just take it for yourself?

Ted

No, it's important that you keep it.

Marshall

Why?

Ted

This is the first thing we bought when we moved here after college. It was the only piece of furniture we had for a week, and now you two are moving to Italy. What if our friendship doesn't pass the "Have you used it in a year?" test? If you can throw out this chair, who's to say you can't throw me out too?

Marshall

That could never happen.

Lily

You're not a chair, you are our best friend.

Ted

You can say that, but a lot can change in a year.

Robin

This is a sign from the universe.

Ted

It's not a sign from the universe.

Robin

Yes it is! The locket, it's gone and you tell me that doesn't mean anything? You know this is a bad omen, Ted. You're Universe Guy.

Ted

And you're Skeptic Girl! You're not supposed to believe any of that.

Robin

Maybe I've grown skeptical of being skeptical. This is a sign!

Ted

It's not a sign, you're doing the right thing marrying Barney. The universe isn't sending you some message! [begins to rain] As we know from science, rain is liquid water in the form of droplets which have condensed from atmospheric vapor and precipitated - it's not a sign!

Robin

Ted, this is a sign and you know it! I mean the universe is screaming at me right now and how can you of all people tell me to ignore that?

Ted

Because maybe it's dumb to look for signs from the universe, maybe the universe has better things to do - and dear God, I hope it does. Do you know how many signs I've gotten, how I should and shouldn't be with someone? Where has it gotten me? Maybe there aren't any signs. Maybe a locket's just a locket; a chair's just a chair. Maybe we don't have to give meaning to every little thing. Maybe we don't need the universe to tell us what we really want. Maybe we already know that. Deep down. [Robin holds his hand]

Lily

Why would you move to Chicago?

Ted

Because it's the perfect town for me. I-it's like a Clevelandy New York and don't act like you haven't noticed. My hair excels in the wind. Besides, you're moving to Rome.

Lily

Yeah for a year and when we get back, we need you to be here waiting for us, hopefully in this house with your future bride.

Ted

What future bride?

Lily

The girl. She's out there walking around New York City right now, probably in a pair of really cute boots that she's gonna let me borrow whenever I want because we're the same size. She's out there, Ted.

Ted

Is she, really? Because I've looked. I've looked high and low for someone I can love and adore and cook waffles for. The closest I've come is Marshall.

Lily

He does love your waffles.

Ted

It's the cinnamon. I add cinnamon. She's not in New York. Maybe in Chicago.