[At JFK Airport, Ted and Lily have just picked up a professor for Marshall's fundraiser. Ted suddenly sees Lily about to enter the terminal with some luggage]
TedWait what do you mean you're going to Spain?
You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna murder someone! [Nearby DHS agents look at her]
Ted
[sees the agents looking in their direction] When are you going to tell Marshall, and when are you coming back?
I honestly haven't thought it all the way through and don't intend to. All I know is, I'm a ticking timebomb [agents look their way again] and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!
Ted
[looking at agents] Wow, that's a very evocative metaphor to use for your non-threatening, totally patriotic emotions. [sees agents walk away, one of whom is making a radio call] U-S- OK, I get it. Marshall's been asking a lot lately, but the thing to do is to say you've had enough.
I've never been good at that, and now, ever since his dad died, I feel it's my job to just be fine with anything, but I'm not. I'm not finding guests at our apartment for a giant fundraiser, or thinking about how are we going to pay our bills, or apparently, we've given up trying to have kids.
Ted
Lily...
I'm sorry Ted, I just got to do this. [heads to terminal]
[The gang sees Barney at his deathbed in 2021]
You're too young, it's unfair!
We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end.
Thank you Marshall. [coughs] Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend?
Yes, yes, of course, anything.
Eat this meatball sub. [offers wrapped sub]
[winces in pain] I don't have much time!!!
[unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course. [prepares to bite] Does this have some sort of meaning? [meatball sub explodes in his face]
[gets out of bed and laughs menacingly] I'm not sick, you idiots. I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce!
Ted
Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas. [Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself]
[The gang is at MacLaren's Bar with Jerry trying to figure out which club to go to]
Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong...
Um, those places shut down a long time ago.
Ted
There's Where.
Where's where Was was, isn't it?
No, Was wasn't where Where was. Was was where Wrong was, right?
Ted
Not Okay. That place is lame.
Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?
That's wrong. That's Not Wrong.
Oh, I like Focus, let's go there.
Ted
Where?
I thought Focus was closed.
No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed.
I don't know. Third base, right?!
Ew, Third Base is all frat guys.
Ted
Not Okay. Okay is lame.
Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar.
No, Shut Up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore.
Guys, just pick a club, okay?
Ted
Not Okay!
AAll
Okay is Lame! Gay bar!
For the record, um, I was in there once by accident. I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé.
[cut to the group at a club called Hopeless]
[Robin explains what Barney turns into when he drinks peppermint schnapps]
[at bar kissing women in the lips a la Richard Dawson] Hey there, Darling ... how you doing? ... is this your sister? ... Beautiful! [goes to gang's booth]
Ted
Hey, where are our chicken wings?
Show me chicken wings! [gestures to Carl, who gives the wings to waitress]
Good order, Ted!!!! [gang cheers]
[Ted is roused by someone from his bed and is startled at who it is]
Ted
Barney, what are you doing here?
[in aristocratic voice] Who is this Barney? My name is John Clifford Larrabee, architect of the Arcadian, and I'm visiting you, in a dreeeeaam.
Ted
Really, because it looks like my insane friend rented a costume and broke into my apartment in the middle of the night for what I wish was the first time.
[normal voice] It's a dream, it is, so... [assumes aristocratic voice again] Theodore, do not try to save the Arcadian.
Ted
Barney, there's condoms in the drawer, just take it and get out-
I am not Barney!!! [activates flickering lights]
Ted
Whoo, lighting change!
Ted
We should buy a bar.
We should totally buy a bar!
We should absolutely, totally, buy a bar!
Really, the only sensible idea right now.
It's a theme bar... it's a courtroom!
Ted
Yes! Where the bartenders wear sexy judges' robes.
It's the only court where you show up, then get served!
You're judged by a jury of your beers!
[Ted and Barney are arguing over who will press the Arcadian detonator, and Robin will have none of it.]
[cutting in partway through the argument] Guys, I dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding "the button". After some awkward pawing around, that building is gonna fake an implosion, say, "Baby, that was great" and go to sleep.
TBTed and Barney
[to each other] She means you.
[Marshall has arrived home from his job interview.]
Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now, after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is to me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.
I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts.
[Marshall goes to his bedroom and lies down.]
FTFuture Ted
And Marshall slept...[the set darkens and then lights up again] All night.
[Marshall wakes up to find out that he hadn't gotten sick at all. In a later scene, Lily comes into the room]
Lily, it's a miracle! I didn't get sick! I-I-I didn't get sick.
I know, baby. [reveals a pregnancy tester in her hands] ... I'm pregnant.
[Ted is undecided on his Architect's Ball date]
Ted
I can't decide. They're both awesome.
If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?
[Ted looks at Robin, disgusted]
I got this. Ted, [extends fists] left or right?
Ted
Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh? [speaks while alternating fists] I will pick left. [Lily slaps him]
Ted
Oh, guess who I ran into [at the Architect's Ball]. A girl from my past. Any guesses?
The girl who beat you up.
The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!
The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?
Ted
You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.
[Having discovered that Victoria hooked up with Klaus within two days of breaking up with Ted, Ted begins licking the dishes he just cleaned for her]
[gasps] Okay, fine. Just let yourself off the hook on a technicality! Forget the fact that you did cheat on me!
Ted
Forget it? I will never forget it! Okay? I will never stop regretting it, because what we had meant that much to me! I just...I wish it had meant something to you, too.
Are you kidding? I loved you.
Ted
Did you?
[Kevin is not too pleased about Robin massaging Ted on what should be their date night]
FTFuture Ted
Now Kevin, as a trained psychologist, knew the appropriate way to voice his displeasure...
I think we need to calmly discuss the relationship dynamics at play here. I'm uncomfortable with how close you two are as roommates, given your particular romantic history.
FTFuture Ted
Instead, he took a different approach...
Oh Hell NO! If you want a date with my girlfriend, I don't have to wear pants in your apartment! [unbuttons pants, revealing boxers]
[Naomi, the Slutty Pumpkin, has mutually agreed with Ted to end their relationship]
NNaomi
Ted, I've been looking for the hot Hanging Chad for the last nine Halloweens. I've waded through a parade of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters, Antoine Dodsons and the jackass who always dresses as laundry.
Ted
I hate that guy.
NNaomi
That's why when I finally found you... it was hard to let go. Goodbye, Ted. [offers handshake, but Ted tries to hug her.] Let's not touch, ever.
Ted
Probably a good idea. [Naomi leaves]
[Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene]
Ted
Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...
Going to movies with his mom.
Ted
A Boy Scout is always prepared.
Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.
Prepared to die a virgin.
Prepared to paint his sister's nails..
Ted
Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...
You're a tropical depression.
[Marshall and Ted have an epiphany for apparently missing the entire Groovaplooza show]
I'm sorry, Ted. I still want to have fun, but want to be a good husband and father too. Just not enough time, you know.
Ted
I know, it all goes by so damn fast you know.
We're getting old. [sees Lily] Lily! [hugs her] I'm so sorry that we ruined our night.
What are you talking about? You've been gone for less than two minutes!
How I Met Your Mother · 439 quotes
