Ted Mosby quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Barney

Ted, I know you love classic stuff no one cares about, but I'm gonna give you four words to live by: New Is Always Better.

Ted

New is always better?

Barney

Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.

Barney

Ted, I know you love classic stuff no one cares about, but I'm gonna give you four words to live by: New Is Always Better.

Ted

New is always better?

Barney

Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.

Ted

And this theory applies to everything?

Barney

Everything.

Ted

So, those new Star Wars movies... Those are better than the old ones?

Barney

Yeah. The first three barely mention the intricacies of intergalactic trade law.

Ted Mosby

And when you're at a Guns N' Roses concert, you're like, "yeah, yeah, Paradise City, whatever. When are they gonna rock me some Chinese Democracy"?

Barney

Axl's really matured as a songwriter, Ted.

Ted

Lily. You're a psychopath.

Lily

Little bit. [to student who gave her a panda drawing] Ah, a panda!

I thought about Lily's advice, and I figured, fear was worth a try. [Ted walks to picket line]

Zoey

Well, Professor Mosby, is there anything you want to say to us?

Ted

[to students] Anyone not in class tomorrow gets an F. [students are shocked]

Lily

You said that?

Well, technically they'd get an "Incomplete," but I thought "F" had a nice, scary ring to it.

Barney

You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn't work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.

Ted

OK, yeah I know...

Barney

You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. Give me your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen. I'm sorry, you did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.

Ted

Lily, do you have any idea how many people I blindly hated for you?! I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!

Lily

Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!

Ted

THAT'S KATE HUDSON!

Lily

Oh yeah...That's who I hate. [to the others] Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.

Zoey

I'm coming with you.

Ted

No...I baste alone.

Zoey

Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.

Marshall

The Blitz isn't something that can be bought or sold.

Zoey

Yeah, it's not like Ted's integrity.

Ted

Oh, what was that? I was distracted by the four-karat diamond your 53-year-old husband bought you.

Facial!

Ted

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turturkeykey to baste.

Zoey

I'm coming with you.

Ted

No…I baste alone.

Zoey

Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.

Ted

Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?

Lily

Sorry, I'm ummmm...I don't know, washing my hair.

Marshall

Running the water.

Robin

Holding the towel.

Barney

I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.

Ted

Where's Zoey?

Well, I'm afraid she's feeling under the weather. Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters.

Ted

Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?

Ted

[to Marshall and Lily] Are you kidding me?!? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now. [couple still look at him] I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!

Barney

[after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble...

Ted

And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.

Barney

I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark.

Ted

[shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-encrusted suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas! [Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]

Robin

So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski -

Ted

And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. [takes out coin] So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. [flips coin into Robin's face] Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!

Ted

You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was also full of drugs.

Robin

"If"? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. Spoon full of "sugar"? Grow up.

Barney

Loneliness...the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching...the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.

Robin

That's not a thing.

Barney

It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.

Ted

That's actually true.

Barney

Wait. There's more.

Ted

This won't be.

Barney

And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.

Lily

Marshall, I'm going home.

Marshall

[pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?

Lily

I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.

Marshall

I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.

Lily

Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day...

Ted

[surprised] You have Super Mario Kart!?

Marshall

Hell, yeah. [points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]

Lily

...but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.

Marshall

Baby, don't go.

Lily

[kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.

Zoey

Oh man, this movie is scary.

I know, right?

I don't know who he is, but I pictured him with a mustache.

Ted

Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.

Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.

Ted

And the, that was the last time you saw her...

...but I gathered my composure and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night -

Ted

[spits out drink] It's damned good brandy.

Ted

Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? Well, he got out.

Robin

Got out? What do you mean?

Ted

He just walked right out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.

Marshall

It wasn't me.

Lily

Me neither. [gasps] He must have figured out how to open it himself!

Ted

He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!

Marshall

I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.