[watching the prisoners celebrate the "end" of World War II] Look at them. We've told them they can go, and they're having such a good time they don't want to leave!
S3 E21War Takes A Holiday
Your, uh- your prisoners have decided to leave us, but it's a long hike into town. I was wondering if they might borrow your car.
Borrow my car?
Well, they'll return it tomorrow. Won't you, fellas? These are gonna be big men in industry. And who knows, you may need a job!
Well, I don't-
Look, I tell ya what; I'll sign for it. If they don't return it, I'll pay for it!
Yes, but-
Well, what difference does it make? The war's over!
Well, yes, the war is over... but... [gives up] Oh, all right, take the car.
IGInspector General Busse
The what... is what?
The war. It's over.
IGInspector General Busse
The war is over...?
That's right, General! Haven't you heard?
IGInspector General Busse
No! And neither have the Americans! They bombed Berlin just one half-hour ago!
You mean the war isn't over?
IGInspector General Busse
Of course it is not over!
Gee, Hochstetter. What a bad break. And after you let those four Underground prisoners go. Should make a lot of friends for the Gestapo.
IGInspector General Busse
[Furious] You stupid fool, you! You have been tricked! [turns to Klink] And you! You, you, you idiot, you! I will see to it that-
Sir, I hate to butt in, but all of Colonel Klink's prisoners are still here.
Yes! Yes, that's right! [hurries to the office window and opens it] SCHULTZ! CLOSE THE GATES! THE WAR IS BACK ON!
S3 E23Axis Annie
What're you doing after the broadcast, sweetheart?
S3 E24What Time Does the Balloon Go Up?
[barges in on Klink] No one goes in or out of this camp until further notice.
Major Hochstetter, I am still in charge of this camp!
The Gestapo is now in charge.
By whose orders?
(hands orders to Klink) By General Burkhalter's orders.
(hands orders to Hogan without reading them) That's good enough for me. Are you satisfied, Hogan?
(reads orders) Mm-hmm, satisfied.
[Hochstetter does a double-take upon noticing Hogan]
WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!
Yes, Hogan, what are you doing here?
Undergoing intensive interrogation. He's brutal, sir. Brutal.
Yes, sir, I am.
BAHHHH!!!(storms out of office)
Hogan, that is the most terrible idea I have ever heard. Of course I can't leave in the night. The Gestapo has orders to shoot to kill. I might be shot. I might end up dead.
Uh, yeah, now tell me the part that's terrible.
S3 E25LeBeau and the Little Old Lady
Hilda, write this down. Dear General, this is an urgent request to replace 4 members of my camp personnel. They are Wolfgang, Hans, Heidi, and Gerta, our German Shepherd guard dogs. They have become lazy, inefficient, and vicious.
I thought they were supposed to be vicious.
Not to me.
Dogs and kids are great judges of character.
Hogan, I am not amused. My sense of humor left with Lebeau. (who escaped) Dismissed... My kindest regards to Frau Burkhalter, et cetera, et cetera. Heil Hitler.
HHilda
Would you like me to send the daily roll call report with this, sir?
Not until I recapture the prisoner who did not escape. Hogan, I said "dismissed".
I just came to tell you where Lebeau is hiding.
The day you tell me where one of your men is hiding is the day you send a birthday gift to Goering.
Ask Hermann who sent him the girdle last year.
Would you mind lowering your voice, Major? You're going to bring the property values down in this neighborhood.
What is this man doing here?
You see, Major Hochstetter, the escaped prisoner, and my efficient, trusted, and dependable Sergeant.
Where, where?
If you had run your camp properly, Klink, he never would have escaped in the first place.
Can you fellas finish this discussion later? We're dying to get back to camp.
What is this man doing here?
Major Hochstetter, I assure you-
You have delayed me for long enough. We are going to search this building.
For what?
He thinks that there is an underground contact here.
We didn't see anybody.
You see? I told you-
(screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!?!?!
You're shouting again. Somebody is going to call a cop.
S3 E27The Collector General
What job?!
Fixin' the hole in your roof. You got a terrible leak up there. Didn't Sergeant Schultz report it?
I gave no such orders!
He doesn't want it fixed! Start pullin', Louie!
Wait, wait! I didn't say that!
Stop pullin', Louie! He changed his mind!
Wait, wait! Proceed, proceed!
Start pullin', Louie! Yes, sir, 'scuse me sir. Thank you. I'm sorry. 'Scuse me, sir.
[Carter salutes Klink, drops the ladder, picks it back up, and he and LeBeau take the ladder back out. Carter comes back to close the office door. Once they finally leave, Klink looks in exasperation at the picture of Adolf Hitler on his wall.]
What I have to put up with for you!
GMGeneral Metzger
Now, tell me, Hogan. Do you have any idea of where I might find that "ammunition"?
Yeah. In a museum, after the war.
GMGeneral Metzger
I am going to order a thorough investigation into this matter, Hogan!
I don't think you will, General.
GMGeneral Metzger
Oh, really? And what makes you so sure?
When you steal from a thief, one thing's for sure; he'll never call the cops.
S3 E29Monkey Business
[Colonel Wembley of British Army Intelligence and a radio operator are baffled at a message being sent over radio by a Royal Navy submarine, which is relaying information from Colonel Hogan at Stalag 13.]
RORadio Operator
I thought we weren't giving our messages in code, sir.
CWColonel Wembley
Perhaps Hogan has forgotten that. Would you look up "chimpanzee" in the code book, Sergeant?
RORadio Operator
[Checks the code book] "Chimpanzee" is not part of the code, sir.
CWColonel Wembley
I've no idea what the message is at all.
SSubmarine Officer
The chimpanzee will be wearing a fatigue uniform with sergeant's stripes and answers to the name of "Freddy."
CWColonel Wembley
I've heard of Yankee ingenuity, but this is ridiculous!
What am I? A zookeeper, or the head of a POW camp?! He just doesn't understand my problems! It's so easy for him to give orders, and he expect miracles! General Burkhalter is so... he's so-
German.
Exactly! [Pauses] Hogan, please don't cause any more trouble; it's enough for one day.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hogan's Heroes pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.