Wilhelm Klink quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Klink

Oh, General Burkhalter! What a pleasure to see you!

Burkhalter

Klink! Why is it that you get more of a pleasure seeing me then I do seeing you?

Klink

Now, I understand that General von Trager appreciates all of the good things in life.

Hogan

Then why is he staying here?

Klink

I must tell you, Herr General, that I am not the greatest bridge player in the world.

Hogan

Have you ever played with grown ups before, sir?

Klink

Hogan, where's my car? You promised it would be parked and waiting for me. It is not parked and waiting for me. Why isn't it, and where is it?

Hogan

Well, I-

Klink

"8:00," you said. "Promise?" I said? "On my word of honor," you said. "8:00 sharp," I said. "Not one second later," you said.

Hogan

Did I say a.m. or p.m.?

Klink

It is now 9:30.

Hogan

Colonel Klink, I want you to know I understand your annoyance.

Klink

Oh, I understand it, too. But what I don't understand is where's my car?

Hogan

Well, let's be fair now. Do you by any chance recall what you wanted done to the car?

Klink

To have it washed.

Hogan

And waxed. Don't shrug off the toughest part. Do you know how long it takes for a good wax job? I've never heard anything more ridiculous!

Klink

Hogan, I have to pick up General Burkhalter at the station in 45 minutes.

Hogan

General Burkhalter?

Klink

Yes.

Hogan

Your car will be ready.(Rushes to the door)

Klink

Without fail?

Hogan

Put yourself in my hands.(Rushes outside)

Klink

Sir, it may cost a lot more, but may I remind you, we have never had an escape at Stalag 13!

General Burkhalter

Then perhaps you should! It might be cheaper.

General Burkhalter

Klink, I warn you: Keep expenses down, get your house in order, or the next time you want caviar, you won't have to import it. You can catch your own on the Volga.

Schultz

My Herr Ex-Kommandant!

Klink

What is it, Schultz?

Schultz

I have good news and bad news.

Hogan

Give him the good news first, Schultz.

Schultz

They ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning.

Klink

That's good news?! What's the bad news?!

Schultz

They're not giving you a blindfold.

Hogan

It's hard to believe, even for the Gestapo.

Schultz

They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad.

Klink

Ha! They'll never get any volunteers from my men!

Schultz

I beg to report Herr Kommandant, they did.

Klink

How many volunteered?

Schultz

Seventy-six.

Hogan

How many men do you have?

Schultz

Eighty-two.

Klink

At least six of my men are loyal.

Schultz

No, Herr Komandant. Two are in the hospital and four are on furlough.

Hogan

Well that makes it unanimous.

Klink

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We only have EIGHTY men!

Schultz

Not counting the two deserters. But they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot.

Klink

Now. How much would you and your men like to give to the Winter Relief Fund?

Hogan

Are you kidding? We want you to lose the war, remember?

Klink

Hardly knew the man. We went to school together for ten years, saw each other every day, but what's that?

You were also best man at his wedding.

Klink

Oh. Well, uh, I had nothing else to do that afternoon.

Klink

Well, I don't have to tell you how lucky a man would have to be to get Gertrude for a wife. She's a wonderful woman. Jolly disposition- great shot-putter.

General Burkhalter

Get to the point!

Klink

Well, sir, this is very difficult for me to say, but- I feel in my heart that I am not worthy of Gertrude.

General Burkhalter

I feel the same way.

Klink

Then why do you want me to marry her?

General Burkhalter

Are you crazy, Klink?! It's my niece Frieda and she's marrying Count von Hertzel!

Klink

[Trying to hide his relief] Count von Hertzel?

General Burkhalter

You thought I would ever let a Burkhalter marry a Klink?

Klink

But I understand Count von Hertzel is going to the Russian front!

General Burkhalter

He has changed his mind. I mean, uh, his orders have been changed.

Klink

Good riddance!

Hogan

Major Hochstetter's not such a bad guy, sir.

Klink

There's one thing nice about his being here; it feels so good when he leaves!

Schultz

STOP IT! STOP IT! What are you doing?! Going for a little walk, huh?

Yeah, goin' for a walk!

Schultz

YOU'RE WALKING RIGHT INTO THE COOLER, YOU UNDERSTAND?!

Hogan

Hold it, Schultz, you can't arrest this man!

Schultz

Who says so?!

Hogan

He was just airing his blanket, isn't that right?

Yes, sir!

Klink

Schultz! Schultz! What's going on out there?! What's all the shooting?

Hogan

He was just airing his blanket, Schultz. [Hands Schultz a chocolate bar.]

Schultz

You want me to believe that? [Hogan gives him another chocolate bar.] Herr Kommandant, false alarm! The guards in the tower are trigger-happy!

Klink

There will be no more trigger-happiness tonight!

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Take him back to the barracks. [To the prisoner] And you! Wait until after the war to air your blanket, you understand?!

Klink

But Hogan, why would you go to all that trouble?

Hogan

I'm doing it for my men. They've developed a fond affection for you, sir. When they see you go by with your riding crop and your monocle, they say, "Look, there goes Klink! He's embarrassing, but he's ours!"

Klink

I'm not sure, Hogan, but I think I should be offended.

Hogan

Work on it.

Klink

May I ask what the dynamite is for?

Hochstetter

You may not.

Klink

Then I won't.

Newkirk

Good evening, Schimmell's Bakery!

Klink

Schimmell's Bakery?

Newkirk

Hello? Who is this? Is that you, you no good Heinie Bellheim?!

Carter

[In a girl's voice] Is it for me, Papa?

Newkirk

Never mind! No! You cannot speak to Helga now, she's busy making strudel!

Carter

Oh, Papa!

Newkirk

And you listen to me, Heinie! You stop calling here, do you understand? Don't bother her, she's a good girl! And go away! Do something! Join the Army!

General Burkhalter

What she needs right now is consolation, Klink.

Klink

I understand, sir.

General Burkhalter

And you are the man to help her in this difficult time.

Klink

Me? I can hardly console myself!

General Burkhalter

I have arranged a nice, quiet table for the two of you at the Hauserhof tonight. Be kind to her. She respects you. THAT'S AN ORDER!