A character in Hogan's Heroes
Played by Werner Klemperer
Hogan's Heroes · 213 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Hogan's Heroes: in 80 of its 213 quotes
Most scenes with: Robert E. Hogan (43), Hans Georg Schultz (19), Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter (16)
You wanted to see me, sir? Oh, sorry, sir; I didn't realize you had company.
The Gestapo is not "company".
Frankly, I never thought much of 'em myself.
KlinkHogan, you will show a little respect for Major Hochstetter!
Just a little, sir?
KlinkI mean a lot of respect! Hogan, please don't twist my words.
Tell me, Colonel, what do you know about... the Manhattan Project? What is it?
Maybe they're selling the island back to the Indians?
The 504th Bomb Group was assigned to the Manhattan Project. Is that right?
Were they?
You should know. You commanded the 504th Bomb Group.
Did I?
They have been taken out of combat and sent back to the States for special training. Correct?
How 'bout that!
KlinkThose are not answers!
Klink! Colonel, may I remind you that the Gestapo can be very unfriendly. Very unfriendly.
You know, I've heard that. And I've often wondered: What's a nice guy like you doing in an outfit like that?
Of course we could give you the time to think it over, in a special cell we have. It is not big enough to stand up in, and it is not big enough to lie down in.
Sounds like a hotel room I once had in Cleveland.
During the day, the the temperature is 140 degrees. And at night, it is below freezing.
That's the hotel, all right!
Klink!
KlinkMajor Hochstetter!
What are these men doing here?
I'm his personal physician.
I'm his night nurse.
KlinkWhat can I do for you, Major?
For the next 48 hours, no one is to go in or out of this camp. And you are ordered immediately to double your security force.
KlinkDouble the security force?
With his record?
(miffed) What are these men doing here?!
KlinkHe's right, sir. There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.
We have reason to believe there's a girl from the French underground in this area.
KlinkA French girl?
This is a piece of cloth from a garment she wore.
KlinkHmm. That's interesting. Very interesting.
Tomorrow, at precisely 3:00, we are bringing in tracking dogs especially trained by the Gestapo. It is possible this girl is hiding in this very camp.
KlinkOh, no, sir.
Impossible.
Ridiculous.
(full out Hochstetter angry) What are these men doing here?!?!
KlinkSir, do you think the tracking dogs are necessary?
Yes, I think they're necessary!
KlinkYes, sir, I think they're necessary, too. A very wise move. I shall cooperate with you to the fullest, Major Hochstetter. (Hogan "accidentally" spills liquid on Hochstetter's shoe)
Clumsy! Here, let me wipe that up for you.(Hogan uses cloth to clean the fluid, ruining the girl's scent on the cloth to throw off the dogs.)
Are you crazy?
I'm sorry. That's what you're using to find the girl.
Anything wrong, sir?
KlinkHogan, get out of here!
I WANT THAT MAN IN HERE!
KlinkMy feelings exactly, Major Hochstetter!
Colonel Hogan, we have crossed swords before, and I have had my suspicions about you. But now, my feeling is much stronger.
Glad you finally cleared me, sir.
Exactly. Eighteen men have escaped from Stalag 6. Eight of them I have recaptured.
KlinkExcellent work, Major Hochstetter! But may I point out that here at Stalag 13 we have no such problem. Never an escape, never so much as- [Hochstetter glares at Klink] as-as- until today, sir... but that was an official transfer...
Of the eight men I captured, one talked. He claims they were all heading for Stalag 13. Do you have any idea why?
Bad sense of direction?
I do not think so.
KlinkMajor Hochstetter, why would escaped prisoners be headed for another prison camp?
That is exactly what I intend to find out! I shall surround this camp with a ring of steel! Anyone trying to get out will be caught! Anyone trying to get IN will be caught!
KlinkMajor Hochstetter, rest assured, you have my complete cooperation.
I do not want your cooperation. All I want from you is to stop giving guns to prisoners! I will deal with all of you! Later!
KlinkMajor Hochstetter, may I point out that my relationship with the Gestapo has always been the most cordial-
BAH!
[Major Hochstetter storms out and slams the office door behind him.]
Are you calling a Gestapo informant a liar?!
KlinkWhy would I do a thing like that?
Because your head is in the noose. You have been running a country home for prairie dogs. They dig while you sleep! WAKE UP, Klink! Enjoy the little time you have left!
KlinkMajor Hochstetter, I shall... [Stutters nervously] certainly try.
KlinkShoot to kill? What do you have in the truck? Prisoners?
No, dancing girls. Of course, prisoners, you Dummkopf!
The most important prisoners you will ever see. Every important leader of the underground movement.
My congratulations, Major Hochstetter.
What is this man doing here?
KlinkOh, I'm so sorry. Major Hochstetter, this is the American prisoner, Colonel Hogan. Colonel Hoga-
Klink, did I ask for an introduction?
I just thought I'd show the new prisoners around-with your permission, of course.
(miffed) What is this man doing here?
KlinkSchultz! Escort Colonel Hogan to the barracks at once!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
(Hochstetter and Klink walk away from Hogan)A special armed guard is coming to take these prisoners to Berlin. In the meantime, I want you to prepare a maximum security block for them.
KlinkYes, sir, maximum security. You can depend on me, heh, heh.
I am sure it's not necessary to tell you what would happen to you should there be an escape, hmm?
KlinkAn escape from Stalag 13? (Laughs) That's a good on-
You will be shot.
Klink[fearful] That's another good one.
(Klink and Hochstetter walk back, pass Hogan, and turn around, realizing he is still there)(Screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!
The what... is what?
The war. It's over.
The war is over...?
KlinkThat's right, General! Haven't you heard?
No! And neither have the Americans! They bombed Berlin just one half-hour ago!
You mean the war isn't over?
Of course it is not over!
Gee, Hochstetter. What a bad break. And after you let those four Underground prisoners go. Should make a lot of friends for the Gestapo.
[Furious] You stupid fool, you! You have been tricked! [turns to Klink] And you! You, you, you idiot, you! I will see to it that-
Sir, I hate to butt in, but all of Colonel Klink's prisoners are still here.
KlinkYes! Yes, that's right! [hurries to the office window and opens it] SCHULTZ! CLOSE THE GATES! THE WAR IS BACK ON!
[barges in on Klink] No one goes in or out of this camp until further notice.
KlinkMajor Hochstetter, I am still in charge of this camp!
The Gestapo is now in charge.
By whose orders?
(hands orders to Klink) By General Burkhalter's orders.
Klink(hands orders to Hogan without reading them) That's good enough for me. Are you satisfied, Hogan?
(reads orders) Mm-hmm, satisfied.
[Hochstetter does a double-take upon noticing Hogan]
WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!
KlinkYes, Hogan, what are you doing here?
Undergoing intensive interrogation. He's brutal, sir. Brutal.
KlinkYes, sir, I am.
BAHHHH!!!(storms out of office)
KlinkHogan, that is the most terrible idea I have ever heard. Of course I can't leave in the night. The Gestapo has orders to shoot to kill. I might be shot. I might end up dead.
Uh, yeah, now tell me the part that's terrible.
KlinkHilda, write this down. Dear General, this is an urgent request to replace 4 members of my camp personnel. They are Wolfgang, Hans, Heidi, and Gerta, our German Shepherd guard dogs. They have become lazy, inefficient, and vicious.
I thought they were supposed to be vicious.
KlinkNot to me.
Dogs and kids are great judges of character.
KlinkHogan, I am not amused. My sense of humor left with Lebeau. (who escaped) Dismissed... My kindest regards to Frau Burkhalter, et cetera, et cetera. Heil Hitler.
Would you like me to send the daily roll call report with this, sir?
KlinkNot until I recapture the prisoner who did not escape. Hogan, I said "dismissed".
I just came to tell you where Lebeau is hiding.
KlinkThe day you tell me where one of your men is hiding is the day you send a birthday gift to Goering.
Ask Hermann who sent him the girdle last year.
Would you mind lowering your voice, Major? You're going to bring the property values down in this neighborhood.
What is this man doing here?
KlinkYou see, Major Hochstetter, the escaped prisoner, and my efficient, trusted, and dependable Sergeant.
Where, where?
If you had run your camp properly, Klink, he never would have escaped in the first place.
Can you fellas finish this discussion later? We're dying to get back to camp.
What is this man doing here?
KlinkMajor Hochstetter, I assure you-
You have delayed me for long enough. We are going to search this building.
For what?
KlinkHe thinks that there is an underground contact here.
We didn't see anybody.
KlinkYou see? I told you-
(screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!?!?!
You're shouting again. Somebody is going to call a cop.
KlinkWhat job?!
Fixin' the hole in your roof. You got a terrible leak up there. Didn't Sergeant Schultz report it?
KlinkI gave no such orders!
He doesn't want it fixed! Start pullin', Louie!
KlinkWait, wait! I didn't say that!
Stop pullin', Louie! He changed his mind!
KlinkWait, wait! Proceed, proceed!
Start pullin', Louie! Yes, sir, 'scuse me sir. Thank you. I'm sorry. 'Scuse me, sir.
[Carter salutes Klink, drops the ladder, picks it back up, and he and LeBeau take the ladder back out. Carter comes back to close the office door. Once they finally leave, Klink looks in exasperation at the picture of Adolf Hitler on his wall.]
KlinkWhat I have to put up with for you!
KlinkWhat am I? A zookeeper, or the head of a POW camp?! He just doesn't understand my problems! It's so easy for him to give orders, and he expect miracles! General Burkhalter is so... he's so-
German.
KlinkExactly! [Pauses] Hogan, please don't cause any more trouble; it's enough for one day.
KlinkHogan, I want my car!
You'll have it, sir, sooner than you expect.
KlinkHow can it be sooner than I expect when it is already later than I thought?! Hogan, I have a dinner date, and I want my car by 7 o'clock!
You'll have it, sir, you have my promise.
KlinkI can have your promise anytime I want; this time I want my car!
Robert E. HoganBob Crane · 122 quotes
Hans Georg SchultzJohn Banner · 47 quotes
Cpl. Peter NewkirkRichard Dawson · 31 quotes
Maj. Wolfgang HochstetterHoward Caine · 24 quotes
CKColonel Klink22 quotes
Andrew CarterLarry Hovis · 22 quotes
General BurkhalterLeon Askin · 21 quotes
Cpl. Louis LeBeauRobert Clary · 19 quotes
KinchloeIvan Dixon · 12 quotes
BackscheiderJohn Dehner · 4 quotes
Albert BurkhalterLeon Askin · 3 quotes
BBoniccelli3 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hogan's Heroes pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.