Robert E. Hogan quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Klink

Now, I understand that General von Trager appreciates all of the good things in life.

Hogan

Then why is he staying here?

Klink

I must tell you, Herr General, that I am not the greatest bridge player in the world.

Hogan

Have you ever played with grown ups before, sir?

Klink

Hogan, where's my car? You promised it would be parked and waiting for me. It is not parked and waiting for me. Why isn't it, and where is it?

Hogan

Well, I-

Klink

"8:00," you said. "Promise?" I said? "On my word of honor," you said. "8:00 sharp," I said. "Not one second later," you said.

Hogan

Did I say a.m. or p.m.?

Klink

It is now 9:30.

Hogan

Colonel Klink, I want you to know I understand your annoyance.

Klink

Oh, I understand it, too. But what I don't understand is where's my car?

Hogan

Well, let's be fair now. Do you by any chance recall what you wanted done to the car?

Klink

To have it washed.

Hogan

And waxed. Don't shrug off the toughest part. Do you know how long it takes for a good wax job? I've never heard anything more ridiculous!

Klink

Hogan, I have to pick up General Burkhalter at the station in 45 minutes.

Hogan

General Burkhalter?

Klink

Yes.

Hogan

Your car will be ready.(Rushes to the door)

Klink

Without fail?

Hogan

Put yourself in my hands.(Rushes outside)

Schultz

My Herr Ex-Kommandant!

Klink

What is it, Schultz?

Schultz

I have good news and bad news.

Hogan

Give him the good news first, Schultz.

Schultz

They ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning.

Klink

That's good news?! What's the bad news?!

Schultz

They're not giving you a blindfold.

Hogan

It's hard to believe, even for the Gestapo.

Schultz

They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad.

Klink

Ha! They'll never get any volunteers from my men!

Schultz

I beg to report Herr Kommandant, they did.

Klink

How many volunteered?

Schultz

Seventy-six.

Hogan

How many men do you have?

Schultz

Eighty-two.

Klink

At least six of my men are loyal.

Schultz

No, Herr Komandant. Two are in the hospital and four are on furlough.

Hogan

Well that makes it unanimous.

Klink

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We only have EIGHTY men!

Schultz

Not counting the two deserters. But they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot.

Klink

Now. How much would you and your men like to give to the Winter Relief Fund?

Hogan

Are you kidding? We want you to lose the war, remember?

Schultz

Oh, boy, am I in trouble. When I send my wife only half the money she usually gets- oh, boy!

Hogan

Straighten it out when you go home on leave.

Schultz

She'll straighten me out.

Hogan

Then don't go home.

Schultz

She'll come and get me.

Hogan

Hold it, hold it! What seems to be the problem?

LeBeau

I made the mistake of asking an Englishman to taste a gourmet dish.

Newkirk

It's not a gourmet dish; it's ruddy fish stew!

Klink

Good riddance!

Hogan

Major Hochstetter's not such a bad guy, sir.

Klink

There's one thing nice about his being here; it feels so good when he leaves!

Schultz

STOP IT! STOP IT! What are you doing?! Going for a little walk, huh?

Yeah, goin' for a walk!

Schultz

YOU'RE WALKING RIGHT INTO THE COOLER, YOU UNDERSTAND?!

Hogan

Hold it, Schultz, you can't arrest this man!

Schultz

Who says so?!

Hogan

He was just airing his blanket, isn't that right?

Yes, sir!

Klink

Schultz! Schultz! What's going on out there?! What's all the shooting?

Hogan

He was just airing his blanket, Schultz. [Hands Schultz a chocolate bar.]

Schultz

You want me to believe that? [Hogan gives him another chocolate bar.] Herr Kommandant, false alarm! The guards in the tower are trigger-happy!

Klink

There will be no more trigger-happiness tonight!

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Take him back to the barracks. [To the prisoner] And you! Wait until after the war to air your blanket, you understand?!

Klink

But Hogan, why would you go to all that trouble?

Hogan

I'm doing it for my men. They've developed a fond affection for you, sir. When they see you go by with your riding crop and your monocle, they say, "Look, there goes Klink! He's embarrassing, but he's ours!"

Klink

I'm not sure, Hogan, but I think I should be offended.

Hogan

Work on it.

Hogan

Herr Strasser? Mayerink, Intelligence.

Finally! That stupid Colonel.

Hogan

I know, my apologies. He will be punished.

Are your people ready at the hotel?

Hogan

This is too big for them. You will make your report direct to Berlin. Come, we have a truck waiting.

A truck? Wouldn't a plane be quicker?

Hogan

Yes, but we wouldn't want the Luftwaffe in on this. That Goering and his big mouth. He'd take credit for everything.

Colonel Hogan

What's your defense?

Since Colonel Houfman has served his country gallantly in the past, I will try for a smaller firing squad.

Schultz

Raus, everybody, raus, raus, raus, raus!

Hogan

What's happening, Schultz?

Schultz

The Kommandant has an important announcement to make!

Newkirk

Bout what?

Schultz

I know-

Nothing, nothing!

Klink

Hogan, I was wondering if you were aware of the fact that this is a prison camp.

Hogan

[Laughing] Well, if it isn't, you're wasting a lotta guards and barbed wire fences!

Klink

[Visibly annoyed] That's very amusing. Ha ha ha!

Hogan

Nothing like a good laugh, is there, sir?

General Burkhalter

If I'm not discussing this with Colonel Hogan, why are you?

Klink

I don't know.

General Burkhalter

Then stop talking to him!

Klink

Schultz! Tell Colonel Hogan that I do not wish to discuss it with him.

Schultz

Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink does not wish to discuss it with you.

Hogan

Tell Colonel Klink he's gonna be in as much trouble as General Burkhalter!

General Burkhalter

Klink! Tell Schultz to tell Hogan I'm in no trouble.

Klink

Schultz! Tell Colonel Hogan that General Burkhalter is in no trouble.

Schultz

Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink says that-

Hogan

They're both gonna be in trouble if they don't get rid of that rocket launcher!

General Burkhalter

Klink! Tell him he can't threaten me!

Klink

Schultz! Tell him he can't threaten him!

Schultz

General Burkhalter told Colonel Kli-

Hogan

This is my last warning!

General Burkhalter

I don't take warnings from prisoners!

Klink

Neither do I!

Hogan

You will this time!

Schultz

PLEASE! Wait for me!