Robert E. Hogan quotes from Hogan&#039;s Heroes

Klink!

Major Hochstetter!

What are these men doing here?

Newkirk

I'm his personal physician.

Lebeau

I'm his night nurse.

What can I do for you, Major?

For the next 48 hours, no one is to go in or out of this camp. And you are ordered immediately to double your security force.

Double the security force?

Hogan

With his record?

(miffed) What are these men doing here?!

He's right, sir. There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.

We have reason to believe there's a girl from the French underground in this area.

A French girl?

This is a piece of cloth from a garment she wore.

Hmm. That's interesting. Very interesting.

Tomorrow, at precisely 3:00, we are bringing in tracking dogs especially trained by the Gestapo. It is possible this girl is hiding in this very camp.

Oh, no, sir.

Hogan

Impossible.

Lebeau

Ridiculous.

(full out Hochstetter angry) What are these men doing here?!?!

Sir, do you think the tracking dogs are necessary?

Yes, I think they're necessary!

Yes, sir, I think they're necessary, too. A very wise move. I shall cooperate with you to the fullest, Major Hochstetter. (Hogan "accidentally" spills liquid on Hochstetter's shoe)

Hogan

Clumsy! Here, let me wipe that up for you.(Hogan uses cloth to clean the fluid, ruining the girl's scent on the cloth to throw off the dogs.)

Are you crazy?

Hogan

I'm sorry. That's what you're using to find the girl.

S3 E18 Is There a Doctor in the House?

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Hogan

They want me to go home. They've ordered me home.

LeBeau

Who would issue an order like that?

Hogan

I don't know, but whoever it was is gonna have me for a friend for life! Kinch, radio London, tell 'em orders are acknowledged. When do I leave? How, where? All the details! [Goes back inside his quarters, slamming the door.] YAHOO!

Kinchloe

Yes, sir.

Newkirk

Personally, I think he's takin' the news pretty well.

S3 E19 Hogan, Go Home

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Hogan

Anything wrong, sir?

Hogan, get out of here!

I WANT THAT MAN IN HERE!

My feelings exactly, Major Hochstetter!

Colonel Hogan, we have crossed swords before, and I have had my suspicions about you. But now, my feeling is much stronger.

Hogan

Glad you finally cleared me, sir.

Exactly. Eighteen men have escaped from Stalag 6. Eight of them I have recaptured.

Excellent work, Major Hochstetter! But may I point out that here at Stalag 13 we have no such problem. Never an escape, never so much as- [Hochstetter glares at Klink] as-as- until today, sir... but that was an official transfer...

Of the eight men I captured, one talked. He claims they were all heading for Stalag 13. Do you have any idea why?

Hogan

Bad sense of direction?

I do not think so.

Major Hochstetter, why would escaped prisoners be headed for another prison camp?

That is exactly what I intend to find out! I shall surround this camp with a ring of steel! Anyone trying to get out will be caught! Anyone trying to get IN will be caught!

Major Hochstetter, rest assured, you have my complete cooperation.

I do not want your cooperation. All I want from you is to stop giving guns to prisoners! I will deal with all of you! Later!

Major Hochstetter, may I point out that my relationship with the Gestapo has always been the most cordial-

BAH!

[Major Hochstetter storms out and slams the office door behind him.]

S3 E20 Stiky Wicket Newkirk

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Open the door! I am going to count to three! If you don't open the door, I am going to break in! One! Two! Three!

[Sergeant Schultz rams the door open, but the men are no longer holding the door. He stumbles in and goes up to Hogan.]

Who was holding the door? I WANT TO KNOW!

Hogan

Nobody, Schultz; it sticks in the warm weather.

It is freezing outside!

Hogan

It's a pleasure to see your mind work.

S3 E20 Stiky Wicket Newkirk

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The most important prisoners you will ever see. Every important leader of the underground movement.

Hogan

My congratulations, Major Hochstetter.

What is this man doing here?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Major Hochstetter, this is the American prisoner, Colonel Hogan. Colonel Hoga-

Klink, did I ask for an introduction?

Hogan

I just thought I'd show the new prisoners around-with your permission, of course.

(miffed) What is this man doing here?

Schultz! Escort Colonel Hogan to the barracks at once!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

(Hochstetter and Klink walk away from Hogan)A special armed guard is coming to take these prisoners to Berlin. In the meantime, I want you to prepare a maximum security block for them.

Yes, sir, maximum security. You can depend on me, heh, heh.

I am sure it's not necessary to tell you what would happen to you should there be an escape, hmm?

An escape from Stalag 13? (Laughs) That's a good on-

You will be shot.

[fearful] That's another good one.

(Klink and Hochstetter walk back, pass Hogan, and turn around, realizing he is still there)(Screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!

S3 E21 War Takes A Holiday

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Hogan

Your, uh- your prisoners have decided to leave us, but it's a long hike into town. I was wondering if they might borrow your car.

Borrow my car?

Hogan

Well, they'll return it tomorrow. Won't you, fellas? These are gonna be big men in industry. And who knows, you may need a job!

Well, I don't-

Hogan

Look, I tell ya what; I'll sign for it. If they don't return it, I'll pay for it!

Yes, but-

Hogan

Well, what difference does it make? The war's over!

Well, yes, the war is over... but... [gives up] Oh, all right, take the car.

S3 E21 War Takes A Holiday

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IGInspector General Busse

The what... is what?

The war. It's over.

IGInspector General Busse

The war is over...?

That's right, General! Haven't you heard?

IGInspector General Busse

No! And neither have the Americans! They bombed Berlin just one half-hour ago!

Hogan

You mean the war isn't over?

IGInspector General Busse

Of course it is not over!

Hogan

Gee, Hochstetter. What a bad break. And after you let those four Underground prisoners go. Should make a lot of friends for the Gestapo.

IGInspector General Busse

[Furious] You stupid fool, you! You have been tricked! [turns to Klink] And you! You, you, you idiot, you! I will see to it that-

Hogan

Sir, I hate to butt in, but all of Colonel Klink's prisoners are still here.

Yes! Yes, that's right! [hurries to the office window and opens it] SCHULTZ! CLOSE THE GATES! THE WAR IS BACK ON!

S3 E21 War Takes A Holiday

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[barges in on Klink] No one goes in or out of this camp until further notice.

Major Hochstetter, I am still in charge of this camp!

The Gestapo is now in charge.

Hogan

By whose orders?

(hands orders to Klink) By General Burkhalter's orders.

(hands orders to Hogan without reading them) That's good enough for me. Are you satisfied, Hogan?

Hogan

(reads orders) Mm-hmm, satisfied.

[Hochstetter does a double-take upon noticing Hogan]

WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!

Yes, Hogan, what are you doing here?

Hogan

Undergoing intensive interrogation. He's brutal, sir. Brutal.

Yes, sir, I am.

BAHHHH!!!(storms out of office)

S3 E24 What Time Does the Balloon Go Up?

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Hogan, that is the most terrible idea I have ever heard. Of course I can't leave in the night. The Gestapo has orders to shoot to kill. I might be shot. I might end up dead.

Hogan

Uh, yeah, now tell me the part that's terrible.

S3 E24 What Time Does the Balloon Go Up?

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Hilda, write this down. Dear General, this is an urgent request to replace 4 members of my camp personnel. They are Wolfgang, Hans, Heidi, and Gerta, our German Shepherd guard dogs. They have become lazy, inefficient, and vicious.

Hogan

I thought they were supposed to be vicious.

Not to me.

Hogan

Dogs and kids are great judges of character.

Hogan, I am not amused. My sense of humor left with Lebeau. (who escaped) Dismissed... My kindest regards to Frau Burkhalter, et cetera, et cetera. Heil Hitler.

HHilda

Would you like me to send the daily roll call report with this, sir?

Not until I recapture the prisoner who did not escape. Hogan, I said "dismissed".

Hogan

I just came to tell you where Lebeau is hiding.

The day you tell me where one of your men is hiding is the day you send a birthday gift to Goering.

Hogan

Ask Hermann who sent him the girdle last year.

S3 E25 LeBeau and the Little Old Lady

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Hogan

Would you mind lowering your voice, Major? You're going to bring the property values down in this neighborhood.

What is this man doing here?

You see, Major Hochstetter, the escaped prisoner, and my efficient, trusted, and dependable Sergeant.

Where, where?

If you had run your camp properly, Klink, he never would have escaped in the first place.

Hogan

Can you fellas finish this discussion later? We're dying to get back to camp.

What is this man doing here?

Major Hochstetter, I assure you-

You have delayed me for long enough. We are going to search this building.

Newkirk

For what?

He thinks that there is an underground contact here.

Hogan

We didn't see anybody.

You see? I told you-

(screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!?!?!

Hogan

You're shouting again. Somebody is going to call a cop.

S3 E25 LeBeau and the Little Old Lady

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GMGeneral Metzger

Now, tell me, Hogan. Do you have any idea of where I might find that "ammunition"?

Hogan

Yeah. In a museum, after the war.

GMGeneral Metzger

I am going to order a thorough investigation into this matter, Hogan!

Hogan

I don't think you will, General.

GMGeneral Metzger

Oh, really? And what makes you so sure?

Hogan

When you steal from a thief, one thing's for sure; he'll never call the cops.

S3 E27 The Collector General

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What am I? A zookeeper, or the head of a POW camp?! He just doesn't understand my problems! It's so easy for him to give orders, and he expect miracles! General Burkhalter is so... he's so-

Hogan

German.