Robert E. Hogan quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan has requested to see you.

Klink

By all means, let him come in.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink

Our fish is nibbling at the bait.

Hochstetter

My fish.

Hogan

Colonel Klink.

Klink

Yes, Hogan, what is it, what is it?

Hogan

You have a new prisoner, Group Captain James Roberts, RAF. I want to see him.

Hochstetter

He wants to see the prisoner. That's not surprising.

Klink

That's not surprising.

Hogan

Of course, now that I've made the request, I'm sure you'll deny it.

Hochstetter

He says we'll deny it. We will?

Klink

We will?

Hogan

As senior officer here, I'm entitled to talk to any new prisoner brought into this stalag, and you know it. If I'm not allowed to see him, it'll be in direct violation of the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention, and I'll make a formal complaint to the Red Cross and the protecting power.

Hochstetter

Very well, you may see the prisoner.

Klink

You may see the prisoner.

Hogan

And believe me, when word gets back to the big boys on our side, you'll see what happens to Ger-(pause) What did you say?

Hochstetter

I said you may see the prisoner anytime you like.

Klink

There you are, Hogan. Your request has been granted.

Hogan

You guys ought to give me a little notice when you're going to do something decent.

Klink

Really?

Hogan

Yeah. I faint very easily.

Hogan

Remember, the enemy is everywhere.

Schultz

Me, an enemy?! I'm just as loyal a German soldier as anyone here in this room!

Hogan

We know that, Schultz, and we respect you for it.

Kinchloe

This Gestapo agent sounds like real trouble.

Hogan

Never known one who wasn't.

LeBeau

Just say the word, Colonel, and I'll make sure he's no trouble at all.

Hogan

Sure, then we'll really be in trouble. When a Gestapo agent's been killed?

LeBeau

Who'll know he's been killed? I'll make it look like he died of an accidental cut throat.

Hogan

Whose side are you on?

I am not on either side. I am not a politician; I am a scientist. All I want is to end the war.

Hogan

Good. And we wanna be the ones to end it. Doctor, I can get you out of Germany and over to the Allies in two days.

No. As soon as I finish the formula-

Hogan

You mean it isn't finished?

Two or three more months' work.

Hogan

That's good news. More time to swing you over to our side.

I told you; I am not taking sides. You are wasting your time.

Hogan

I don't mind wasting a little time, Doctor, if I can get you to see my point of view.

I am going downstairs for a drink. Will you join me?

Hogan

I'd love to.

Hogan

There must be a way. Think for a minute.

Newkirk

Hey, I've got a solution, sir. Why don't we all go to bed and mind our own business?

Hogan

He always comes up with something, doesn't he?

Carter

Why doesn't one of us just open the door and walk out there? And if somebody stops us, we just say we're goin' for a walk!

LeBeau

Just like that, huh?

Carter

Sure! Casually! It's gotta work because it's simple.

Hogan

If it's so simple, you go ahead and do it.

Carter

Me?

Hogan

It's your idea. Just tell the guy you're out for a walk.

Carter

Right.

Hogan

Just put it anywhere.

Carter

Whose birthday?

Hogan

Alexander Graham Bell. Very famous American.

Never heard of him.

Hogan

He's the man who invented the telephone.

Is not true! Telephone invented by Russian; every schoolchild know this!

Hogan

American.

Russian!

Hogan

American.

Russian!

Hogan

American!

[Pounding a fist on the table] Russian, Russian, Russian!

Schultz

The Fuehrer said those Russians are cowards; they are always on the run!

Hogan

The reports I hear, they're running the wrong way, Schultz.

Kinchloe

I wonder how far it is to the Russian Front.

Hogan

I don't know, but it's getting closer every day.

This is the most efficient organization I have ever seen.

Newkirk

Thank you very much, sir.

If all the armies were like this, the war would soon be over.

Hogan

It'd be great for the world, but we'd be out of a swell job.

Now I know why the Underground didn't tell us where we were going.

Hogan

The less you know, the less you can talk if you're captured.

I knew the Germans were out to take prisoners, but I never knew you fellas were in business for yourselves.

Hogan

Let's just say we've eliminated the middleman.

Hogan

All right- let's examine it. Now, we have received word from London that they think the Germans are up to something in chemical warfare. Right?

Carter

Right.

Hogan

London wants the location of the factory turning it out. Who here knows anything at all about chemical warfare? Who else could convince the Germans that he was in chemical warfare before he was captured? Who else could get on the inside and find out the location of that factory? Who?

Carter

You really think I can do that, Colonel?

Hogan

No. It's just that we don't have anyone else.

What's this? You're not Gestapo!

Hogan

Lucky for you, General, we're gonna get you out of the country. Both of you.

But I don't want to get out of the country!

Hogan

When your factory is blown up and you get the blame? You'd rather stay here?

I'm coming with you.

Hogan

You wanted to see me, sir? Oh, sorry, sir; I didn't realize you had company.

Hochstetter

The Gestapo is not "company".

Hogan

Frankly, I never thought much of 'em myself.

Klink

Hogan, you will show a little respect for Major Hochstetter!

Hogan

Just a little, sir?

Klink

I mean a lot of respect! Hogan, please don't twist my words.

Hochstetter

Tell me, Colonel, what do you know about... the Manhattan Project? What is it?

Hogan

Maybe they're selling the island back to the Indians?

Hochstetter

The 504th Bomb Group was assigned to the Manhattan Project. Is that right?

Hogan

Were they?

Hochstetter

You should know. You commanded the 504th Bomb Group.

Hogan

Did I?

Hochstetter

They have been taken out of combat and sent back to the States for special training. Correct?

Hogan

How 'bout that!

Klink

Those are not answers!

Hochstetter

Klink! Colonel, may I remind you that the Gestapo can be very unfriendly. Very unfriendly.

Hogan

You know, I've heard that. And I've often wondered: What's a nice guy like you doing in an outfit like that?

Hochstetter

Of course we could give you the time to think it over, in a special cell we have. It is not big enough to stand up in, and it is not big enough to lie down in.

Hogan

Sounds like a hotel room I once had in Cleveland.

Hochstetter

During the day, the the temperature is 140 degrees. And at night, it is below freezing.

Hogan

That's the hotel, all right!

Schultz

Colonel Hogan.

Hogan

Yeah, we know, Schultz-- roll call. But I want the men to finish their game.

Schultz

There won't be any roll call.

Hogan

Look, no arguments, Schultz. This is our exercise period.

Schultz

I said, there will be no roll call!

Hogan

And I said-(pause) No roll call?

Schultz

That's right.