Robert E. Hogan quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Hogan

That's two shots; they killed themselves. Come on.

Schultz

Colonel Hogan, if they are dead, what is the hurry?

LeBeau

I say we do it to him before he does it to us.

Newkirk

Right. Knock him off.

Hogan

Hey, you can't just go around knocking off German officers; the ones that're left start asking embarrassing questions.

There's a barn on this road, two kilometers beyond the town. Be there two nights from tonight with the diamonds.

Hogan

And if we fail?

I will come to Stalag 13 and shoot you and your men.

Hogan

How would you justify that?

Oh, I'll think of something at the last minute.

Hogan

Hagel, you're a real fun person.

Whether you live or die is entirely up to you.

Hogan

And Colonel Klink. We're still his prisoners. You'll have to shoot him, too, and take over the camp.

That'll take at least another ten minutes.

Klink

Repoooort!

Schultz

Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.

Klink

Good. Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.

Newkirk

Hey, they're gonna surrender!

LeBeau

Good move!

Carter

Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender!

Who told you?

Carter

I just heard it!

Klink

Colonel Hogan, control your men!

Hogan

I can't, sir, the news of your surrender is-

Klink

Who said anything about a surrender?

Hogan

You did.

Klink

When?

Hogan

Just now, you used the word yourself.

Klink

Only to deny it!

Hogan

Well, I had to start somewhere.

Klink

Silence!

Hogan

Okay, men, the surrender's off!

Klink

Now I've just had word that General Stauffen of the Fuehrer's headquarters will personally visit Stalag 13. I expect every prisoner in this camp to clean up and look neat.

Newkirk

Can't do it. Somebody stole me mascara brush!

Hogan, you saved my life, and our cause. How can I thank you?

Hogan

When you see Hitler, make sure your meeting goes over with a bang.

What was that?!

Colonel Hogan

Sounded like a staff car blowing up.

Colonel Hogan

Coincidence, another staff car blowing up."

You knew those cars were going to blow up! How?

Colonel Hogan

It's obvious sir, the Wehrmacht and Gestapo double-crossed each other.

Do you expect me to believe that?

Colonel Hogan

No sir, but it'll look neater in your report to Berlin.

Schultz

There's a new general in command of the military district. Tomorrow, he will be here for inspection.

Hogan

I can hardly wait.

Schultz

The orders are to clean up the barracks-

-Clean up the compound, and clean up yourself!

Hogan

All right, look. Orders from London are to hide you until the Krauts stop looking for you. Then we'll smuggle you to England.

Four men. Is it possible?

Hogan

No, but we'll do it anyway. First thing is to get you into Stalag 13.

You hide us in a prisoner of war camp?

Hogan

We're the only motel for miles around.

Klink

Ha! How did you know it was a new code book?

Hogan

You wouldn't be so upset if it was an old code book. Now, be honest; would you?

Klink

No, I suppose not.

Backscheider

You will consider yourself under arrest.

Hogan

Champagne?

Backscheider

I will question you here. If your answers are not satisfactory, you will be taken to where the atmosphere is more conductible to getting at the truth.

Hogan

That sounds fair.

Backscheider

I am not concerned with being fair. Muller, Sonntag.

Hogan

Are you sure you won't have some champagne?

Backscheider

Research done by the Third Reich shows that champagne shrivels the Achilles tendons.

Hogan

Really?

Backscheider

The French foot soldier was only able to march seven-tenths of a mile... before collapsing.

Hogan

Poor devils.

Backscheider

I think it has attacked your brain. You are obviously an American, yet you openly rent a large suite in the best hotel in Paris, in the middle of a war... almost inviting a call from the Gestapo!

Hogan

You were very prompt. My congratulations.

Backscheider

[Puzzled] You wanted a call from the Gestapo?

Hogan

Look... I was able to get a good deal on some caviar. I could arrange to cut you in if you could help transport it to Paris.

Backscheider

Every inch of carloading is needed for the German war effort!

Hogan

You were in for fifty percent.

Backscheider

[Surprised] I will see what I can do.

Hogan

Derkin here.

Newkirk

[As Himmler] My dear Derkin! This is Heinrich Himmler, how are you?

Hogan

Oh, fine, just fine. You enjoyed the caviar? Oh, I'm glad. Hey, I was able to get a special deal for you- about three tons. Ah, we can talk about that when you get here.

Newkirk

Yes... I will be arriving tomorrow morning, about 10. By fighter plane. Don't trust my pilot. Ja, there has been too many 'accidents' on our transports.

Hogan

Inhuman! I'll meet you at the airport, about 10. Oh, and, uh, about Colonel Backscheider...

Newkirk

What about him?

Hogan

Oh, I put my foot in it. I mentioned you were coming to Paris, but I didn't tell him when.

Newkirk

Tell him nothing! If he has one single ounce of brains- which I doubt- he will find out that I'm coming in. Und be at the airport with his entire staff lined up in review. And if not- eh! One more bungler down the well.

Hogan

Oh, I'm really sure he'll be there. I'll meet you at the airport tomorrow. Oh, and thanks for the call, Heinrich.

Backscheider

He called him Heinrich!

Klink

Ah, General Burkhalter, you're just in time! The Fuehrer has just made a surprise visit to Stalag 13!

General Burkhalter

The Fuehrer, here?

Klink

And in an excellent mood!

General Burkhalter

I must greet him at once!

Carter

I would have won the war a long time ago if it wasn't for my generals! All they do is eat, and have good times!

Hogan

Really?

Carter

Ja. I have one general who looks like a stuffed goose! But believe me, one day, the goose will hang high, BY HIS EARS!

General Burkhalter

On second thought, perhaps I will see the Fuehrer some other time.