Narrator quotes from Hell's Kitchen

On order, four covers away, Table 23, yes? Two risotto, two scallops, entrée one chicken, three rib-eye.

Yes, chef!

[sees Raj turning back without answering] You, come here. You're standing here next to me, I called it out and you just turned your fat arse around. You didn't even acknowledge me.

I'm-I'm here. Yes, chef. What do you need? I'm here.

What do I need? What did I just call out? (Raj doesn't answer) What did I just call out, Raj? I'm talking to you!

(interview) The fact that Raj is 49 and still alive and not in jail or an asylum is a goddamn miracle.

What did I just call out?

I didn't- I didn't catch it.

Oh fuck me. Useless.

Just over half an hour in the dinner service, Raj hasn't even begun cooking but has already disappointed Chef Ramsay.

It's 90 minutes into dinner service, and food has been ridiculously slow leaving the blue kitchen...

(walking up the stairs to take a table's order) Hello guys.

...but Vinny has a plan to speed things up.

(to the diners) I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you: you guys order sides, you're gonna be here till next Tuesday. (interview) I have zero confidence that Raj is getting out garnishes and sides.

No sides.

Yeah. (Vinny smiles and gives a thumbs-up)

(interview) So I came up with a bit of a clever idea.

(to the same diners that Vinny just waited on) How's the service this evening?

We can't order sides...

Why are you not allowed to order sides?

Because I guess we can get our food quicker if we don't order sides?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Um, let me go speak to the chef about this.

(to Scott) Yeah, just check that. There's no sides on there, I don't know why.

(to Vinny) Come over here! (to Gordon) Chef, one of his tables, he's telling them they could not have side orders because it takes too long to get it out of the kitchen.

What I said was, I'd be happy to bring them to you...

Shut up! Come in here!

That is not what I told them.

Why?

That is NOT what I told them.

What did you tell them?

Exactly what I told them was this: I said "I'm telling you the truth. The sides are delicious, but it's going to take a lot longer if you want sides, so..."

STOP EVERYBODY! Now Captain Vinny here is telling the customers not to order sides! (to Raj) Come here. Did you tell him not to order sides?

Of course not! Why would I say that?

Don't fucking shout at me, fuck-face! You told him that? "Don't push the sides, so I look good."

No, I'm ready with the sides! Look, I got all the sides ready, I'm waiting for them.

So why's he not taking the orders?

I have no idea, but look at these sides, it's all ready! He's- he's- I'm- he's- okay...

Do you want to know the truth?

Yeah, I do want to know the truth!

The truth is, I have no faith that he's going to be able to get the sides out.

You'd better understand one fucking thing! You do NOT decide what goes out this kitchen!

(mumbles) I don't know.

GET OUT.

Yes, chef.

GET OUT, YOU!

While the blue team...

Salmon!

The salmon's ready.

...has moved on to entrées.

And it's perfect! (interview) I have personally cooked thousands and thousands and thousands of pieces of salmon in my life.

What's that in there? Wh-what...?

That's not grilled.

Oh, dear. Raj! What's that? What is that stock he's putting in that salmon?

It's supposed be grilled, dude.

Yeah, I grilled it, and then I finished it with a little bit of sauce.

No sauce, bro. [Gordon drains the contents of the pan onto Raj's worktop and drops the pan] C'mon, get another one going, bro!

(interview) My personal techniques are not working for Chef Ramsay.

Disgusting!

(interview) He's the chef, it's his opinion, and I have zero opinion.

Start over.

Raj's cooking techniques aren't cutting in with Chef Ramsay. And in the Red kitchen...

(with an overcooked Dover Sole) Melissa, it's overcooked!

...neither are Melissa's.

Out it comes, look at that. Overcooked on the bottom, crispy as fuck, and it looks like Gandhi's flip-flop! (drops the Dover Sole) What a shame!

(interview) I don't know where he comes up with this stuff! Gandhi didn't even wear flip-flops, he lived in the jungle, I don't think the dude even had shoes.

Look it underneath! [knocks his hand on the workstation]

(interview) Shit!

As Melissa starts over with her Dover sole, guests on both sides of the dining room continue to wait, but not for long. In the blue kitchen...

Where's the salmon?!

T-two seconds.

Raj is ready with his second attempt on the salmon.

Two seconds! One, two!

I mean uhm, thirty sec-I mean, uhm, one minute.

Well... almost ready.

Just concentrate. I don't want a blah-blah-blah.

I'm sorry to say that, but it's true.

What a fucking bozo!

Here it is. Here it is. [brings his salmon to the pass, Gordon checks it; finds that it's raw]

Oh, dear. Raj! Come here you. It's, raw. [angrily smashes the raw salmon] It's fucking RAW!!!

(interview) Come on, man!

IT'S RAW!!!

(interview) The guy can't change his underwear the right way.

We haven't even served the fucking entrée, but I need to get food out!

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Chef, can I—would you mind if I said something, chef, or no?

[plugs his ears] Not to me, you're not.

No, don't say a damn thing. Just finish your tickets.

You know the salmon I gave you that you smashed, right? (interview) I'm not this timid man who's just going to sit back and just say, "Okay, chef." [to Gordon] You know, I'm going to try to make a case for myself. Really, chef, really.

We're in the middle of service right now and I just want food. SHUT IT!

(interview) But, um... it's-it's hard. (to his team mates) I got it now. Go ahead! Go, go!

Hey, what do you think this is? A talk show?!

No, no.

COOK YOUR FUCKING DISH, AND SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH!!

Yes, chef.

Vinny, get a piece of salmon on there, yes?

Yes, chef. (interview) Raj just cannot cook at all, anything, ever. (to Russell) Give me a time. (interview) So I have to go over and do it for him. (brings Raj's salmon to the pass) Hot behind, salmon on the pass.

Perfect, let's go.

Thanks to Vinny, Raj's salmon is finally on its way out to the dining room.

Chef, hold on. (on his wellingtons) It's raw.

Oh, come on.

I can't give you raw meat. I'm sorry chef.

Thanks to Boris, no food is leaving the Blue kitchen.

There you go, send it back.

But thanks to Raj, none of them are going to waste.

(interview) I see all this food, and it looks delicious, so I just, you know, ate it.

Raj, please don't do that.

Look, he's eating it, look! Haven't you got enough in there?

But that's so good! It's really a waste.

Wow!

No. I mean — just a quick little bite. It's really tasty.

Ah, fucking hell.

(interview) How could Chef Ramsay blame me for eating this delicious food? It's fantastic.

While Raj has snack time in the blue kitchen over in the Red kitchen, Gail... [cuts to Gail staring in space]

Gail!

...has nap time.

Wakey-wakey! (sees Gail's meat pan catching fire) You're on fire.

(interview) Oh, my God! There's flames shooting up! And Gail was (sticks her tongue out in disgust) nothing. Nothing's happening.

Gail, out the way! Oh my God. [removes the pan off the burner and throws it into the sink; gets the burnt rib-eye beef] Gail, I think your pan's a bit too hot. [throws the rib-eye back in the sink] You've lost it.

I haven't lost it.

Yes, you - look, you've given up. Body language, face, attitude, you've given up. Anyone that can stand there, and watch a piece of rib-eye beef SET ON FIRE is out of control! You've given up.

Back in the blue kitchen...

Up to the pass with the halibut. (brings his halibut to the pass)

Raj is eager to finally impress Chef Ramsay.

Sorry about the delay, let's go.

(interview) HIIYYYYAAAHHHH! HAH!

Maybe, a little too eager.

[finds that Raj has cooked three other Dover soles] How many have you cooked? One, two, three. Oh my God.

(interview) When I get busy, I just start firing everything. So when they need it, I got it.

What are you doing? Playing the odds? Maybe one will be good out of three?

(interview) But this is Chef Ramsay's kitchen, you can't do that.

Why would I try to fire three tables?

Uhm, yes. Uhm...

(disgusted) Donkey.

Dude, you can't serve this to anybody. He's not going to take that. (interview) Raj cooks three Dover soles before they were even remotely close to... to needing them.

SOLE SPECIAL!

Chef, we ran out of the sole special.

What... [reaches for a ticket] I've got three on OR-DER?!?!

(interview) We ran out of Dover sole? Oh, man. This is going to be real ugly.

Oh, no... [goes near the door and sits in fetal position]

(interview) This sucks. Embarrassing! Fuck!

(interview) It's a very bad situation. I don't know what we're going to do. I think we have to figure something out quickly.

[to Raj] Get out there and tell them you're dragging two! And you go to the customers and tell them you fucked it up!

I need another jacket, though. I can't go out there with this jacket.

Hey come—come here you. If I tell you to get out there, I don't give a fuck if you've got a thong on your fat crack, get out there!

I can't, with this thing. I can't, I'm sorry, chef.

Hey, hey, listen. Fuck off out there, will you?

[removes his apron and goes over to Chef Scott] I can't put this—

PUT IT DOWN, AND GET OUT THERE!

[leaves the kitchen and goes to the diners to apologize] (interview) Couple of things are going to my head. [talks to hungry diners] Hi, my name is Raj.

How's it going back there?

(interview) My God, look at this, I'm a star. [talks to the diners again] I'm terribly sorry, but we ran out of the sole special. (interview) Then the next thing you know, look at this, I'm an idiot. So it's this elation and then this degration. All at the same time. [to the diners] We have other nice fish, though, if you'd like to try that instead.

Meanwhile, in the Blue kitchen...

Boris? How many crab cakes have you got in the pan?

Ten altogether chef.

Boris is getting a little ahead of himself.

There's only two away and you just cook me ten. Boris?

Yes, chef?

I fired two, I got ten. Is this the sign of things to come?

(interview) Boris started firing like a gang-bang on crab cakes. It is like, "dude, learn to count."

Look at me! We'll do one table at a time, it's not a race! Common sense, gentlemen!

Yes, chef. Understood.

Fresh crab cakes, let's go!

While Boris is now cooking his crab cakes to order, in the Red kitchen, Melissa has already moved onto entrées.

[sees Melissa pulling out a tray full of filets from the oven] What in the fuck...

Unfortunately, her team is not even close to completing the appetizers.

Melissa.

Yes, chef?

WHAT IS THAT?! ALL OF YOU, come here!

(interview) Melissa had put in a huge pile of filets in the oven. Apps weren't even done yet. I don't even know what to do in this situation.

We've sent three tables of appetisers, and you're sticking all the beef in the oven!

(interview) Why the hell would you do that? I wouldn't even do that.

Do you want to go home? Why don't you make my life easier and just fuck off home? You can't be normal! (starts counting the filets) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

(interview) Oh, my God!

...7, 8, 9, 10, 11...

(interview) Stupid!

...12, 13, 14, 15, 16...

(interview) Oh, HELL no!

...17, 18, 19, 20, 21...

(interview) What the hell are you doing, lady?

There's 23 on the board, chef.

SO WHAT?! WHY ARE YOU COOKING THEM NOW?! (no response from Melissa) Nona, WHY?!

I don't know, chef.

It doesn't make sense! They're gone, they're overcooked.

Yes, chef.

I can't do it anymore with you. You need a system! THERE'S NO SYSTEM!!! I CAN'T KEEP ON TELLING YOU EVERY FUCKING SERVICE!!! [slams the table]

Yes, chef. (interview) Sometimes, I just go stupid. But I'm better than this. I just have to show Chef Ramsay that I have what it takes.

Madness!

IT'S MY FAMILY'S ORDER! One salmon, one beef, one macaroni and cheese, one bolognese, two burgers.

Let's go, guys. Let's make it happen.

The men are scrambling to get entrees out to chef Ramsay's family.

Chef, I'm coming up with the salmon.

Two beef coming up to the pass. Two burgers, one bolognese up.

Where's the macaroni (and cheese), please?

All right, I'm a little behind right now on garnish.

Oh, COME ON.

(interview) I am in the weeds so high, I don't know which way is up. (sighs)

When are we gonna get a little help on this garnish, man?

As soon as I can breathe.

(interview) Russell claims he was in the weeds and couldn't get to me. What did Russ do-- a few chicken fingers and two burgers? FUCK THAT! How dare he not slide to help me? I'm pissed.

I'm behind, and we're gonna be fuck on an own doesn't jump with me here.

(interview) I don't know where he got off thinking that we were gonna be his bitch tonight, but that was definitely not my role. I'm here to do my job. I'm not here to babysit you.

Ah, you fucker!

Meanwhile, in the blue kitchen...

(to Rob) Come on, Rob!

All the men need to complete the Ramsay family table is Rob's macaroni and cheese.

(to Vinny) Vinny, get your ass over here. He's weeded. He's weeded bad. What do you mean? (to Rob) Two macaronis! Get him two macaronis. LET'S GO! You got two people working on your station. Now I do, it doesn't matter. Now you do, so don't put up dog shit!

So if he's not ready, then FUCK HIM! (referring Rob) I'll send it separate, okay?

Service, please. [four of the five orders served to the Ramsay family] Come on, guys. Keep it together! In England, we eat at the same fucking time.

(to son Jack) What did you have, Jack?

I am having the macaroni and cheese.

(to Rob) Come on, Rob. It's my family. My son's still waiting for the macaroni and cheese. Now I'm worried now.

(interview) Here we go again, dinner service is going horrible.

(gasps) Fuck you.

Rob, come on!

Come on!

[holds a tickets waiting for his son's macaroni and cheese] Rob, move your ass! Hurry up!

Come on, Rob!

Yes, chef.

[quietly in Rob's ear] Get out.

Why chef? (interview) Ah? Did I hear that right?

It's more than two hours into the dinner service. (shot of Russell, Vinny and Nona) Three chefs have already been kicked out of the kitchen, and much to Rob's confusion, he is about to join them.

Hey, come here. Why? BECAUSE THE HALIBUT'S FUCKING RAW! THAT'S WHY, CHEF ROB! GET OUT!

Which leaves only one chef left to complete service in the blue kitchen, and ironically...

(interview) Uh... hi?

...it's Trev.

(interview) The whole service just fell on my shoulders. I'm just going to have to push the fear down and fight through it.

Salmon!

Good to go.

Ooh, la la. Well done, Trev. Service!

(interview) It was like a big light just kind of opened in the dark sky, and I'm getting it.

New order! One spaghetti, two scallops, one truffle salad! [pause] How long?! [no one responds]

(interview) Nobody's listening to anything Trev says. Just like, "Blah-blah-blah," coming out his mouth!

Knock it out, guys! Let's get 'em in, get 'em out! [Nona continues to ignore Trev]

Answer him!

(interview) Nobody respects him, and that's why while he's on the pass, everyone's ignoring him.

One spaghetti, two scallops, one truffle salad! [beat; Sous Chef Scott looks up]

Is there an answer?!

Yes, chef!

The chefs may not be listening to Trev, but that doesn't stop him from calling more tickets.

One salmon, two beef, one wellington! Six minutes to the window!

Six minutes!

Thank you!

[facepalms] Stop two beef, one salmon, one wellington! 'Cause we haven't the fucking appetisers yet!

Son of a bitch.

"Son of a bitch?!" Ah, [throws spoon] fucking hell!

Fucking hell's right.

(interview) Trev sucks. Sorry, Trev, you suck.

COME ON, TREVOR!

After failing to notice Chef Scott's swapping of the meat, Jillian is on high alert.

Come on, Trev!

You’re not sending that shit out. That one looks like crap! Fire a new one (halibut), fire it now!

It’s ready right now, if you want it.

COME ON! (interview) Trev, you’re fucking up and it’s not right. [Trev brings his fish to the pass] This one’s skinny as shit and that one’s fat as fuck! You got a different one?

It’s gonna take six minutes if you want me to do that!

Well, this is not how they look on the same table! It’s bullshit!

They’re not all cut equal!

(interview) Jillian is just [makes a clawing motion with her hand] "RAWRAWRAWRAWRAWR!!!", all over Trev!

[checks on more halibut brought up by Trev] TREV!

Yes, chef.

YOUR HALIBUT IS FREAKIN’ RAW! Come here! Come here! Look at that shit, dude! It’s fucking raw! COME ON! HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GONNA DO IT?!

Sixteen, if it takes.

As many times as it takes?!

As many times as it takes to get it right!

WELL, FUCKING GET IT RIGHT, MAN!

Doesn't make any sense to me.

(interview) I just don’t understand, like... I don’t get it.

You’ve got to control the kitchen, otherwise the kitchen controls you.

Yes, chef. (to Trev) YOU’RE SCREWING ME ON THE PASS!

Dude, they’re all different fucking sizes!

Jillian, you have to convict this! This is just not good enough! [to the Black Jackets] LISTEN TO ME, IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! (to Trev) YOU MAY WANT TO SCREW HER, BUT YOU’RE NOT GOING TO FUCKING SCREW ME! COME HERE, YOU! Next time you fuck her again, or fuck me on one halibut, you’re fucking out! NOW WAKE UP! A JOKE’S A JOKE, BUT QUIT IT!

(interview) I wanted to throw a fucking hot pan at Trev’s head. Stop making me look bad, do your job! (to Trev) Move it!

Now, yeah. You know how it feels standing here, yes?

Yes, chef. It fucking sucks.

Sideways.

Tonight, Hell's Kitchen is once again the place to be in Los Angeles. The restaurant has been redesigned with a stunning balcony above the kitchen that gives those diners a unique view of the action of the kitchen.

[Carries the first order tickets to Blue Kitchen, approaches Gordon] 'Kay, alright! First order, chef!

[Receives the tickets from James] Let's go. [to Blue Team] Okay Blue Team, here we are! First ticket to the blue team: One risotto, one scallop, one squab, one spaghetti!

Yes, chef!

I'm sorry, chef, can you repeat that?

Can I repeat that?

I'm sorry? I-I'm sorry, chef!

Yeah, let me repeat it: Fuck yourself!

Yes, sir!

"Can I repeat that?" Is he (Chino) fucking stupid?

Okay, Red Team! Come here, let's go! [Red Team approaches Gordon] First ticket! Good luck!

Yes, chef!

Two tables away, table four: one scallops, one risotto. Entrée: One New York–

[Interrupts Gordon; Talks to other Red Team member] Oh, one risotto!

[to Elise] Hey, madam!

Sorry!

I'm not gonna shout over you.

I'm sorry.

I've got 10 seconds - a window - to call these out!

I'm sorry. I apologize.

Come here, you, Big mouth, come here. [Puts and bangs the ticket on the table] Call out the fucking ticket. COME HERE! Call out the ticket!

[Grabs the ticket, calls out the ticket to the Red Team] Y'all ready? We need one scallop, two risotto for appetizers!

Back in the red kitchen, Carrie is looking to redeem herself on the fish station.

[goes to Carrie's fish station and takes over] I'll cook the fish, I'll cook it.

But Elise has other plans.

I got it babe. No, I got it. This is my station.

Don't push me!

Thank you.

(interview) Clearly, Carrie is the weaker cook than I am, so I felt like I want to take charge to impress Chef Ramsay.

Why is she (Elise) cooking fish?

I don't know what she's doing. She just came over here and grabbed it, chef. (interview) I mean, are you fucking kidding me? That bitch is crazy.

(to Carrie) What in the fuck is she doing?

I didn't let her cook and she just came here and grabbed it chef.

So I was going to cooking for you because we're all a team, right?

[covers his face] Ugh.

She trying to prove a point.

Elise!

Yes, chef?

[holds a ticket] I got a six top dying for the appetizers! And you're cooking fish!

I'll put the spaghetti up.

(to Elise) You, fuck off. Sit on the chef's table.

(interview; laughs loudly) HA!!!