Gordon quotes from Hell's Kitchen

With just 30 minutes left in the first seating, Jean-Phillippe is looking for Lacey.

Table 23.

23-

The table which you forgot.

I have to go up there and tell them to fire it?

Well, who's gonna...who else gonna do it?

Jean-Phillippe, I've never waited table before!

(gobbles, mimicking Lacey) Can you just go and ask the chef to go? (gobbles)

(to Gordon) I need main courses for 23 fired, please, chef.

Yeah. Hey, madam, were you just taking the order in now? Why is it taking so long?

She forgot the table.

(shakes head and angrily swats Lacey away)

Yeah, "fuck off with me", I know.

Hey, all of you, here! Quickly! There's the filet, yes? Look at the fucking waste. [empties the waste onto the counter; the amount of waste is nearly as big as the remaining filet. Seth looks confused, while the other team members look horrified] That's what he took off, and there's the filet. LOOK AT THE FILET!

(interview) He molested that poor thing! People have gone to jail for worse, but it looked like he went at it with a jackhammer!

We've fucking WASTED the most expensive part! [hurls the offcuts to Seth] LOOK AT IT! What are you going to do, get daddy to buy you a new one? [stops for music to play] How can you do that?

I never butchered a filet before, chef.

Congratulations, you just have.

[smiles] Thanks, yes...

Hey, hey, hey, smartass - not in the right way, you fucking bozo.

Yes, chef. (interview) I don't think I did that bad, butchering that filet, but now I know for next time.

Giovanni!

Yes, chef?

Where's the New York strip?

Chef, I'm four minutes away!

Oh, my God. SWITCH IT OFF! We're now over two hours. He (Seth) fucks the filet, (to Charlie) the shrimps go down, (to Ben) this dick sends me dessert before the appetizers! [throws his apron] Fuck off! (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, shut it down, yes? Two hours over. Clear down!

(interview; tonight was originally planned to have been his wedding) I've embarrassed myself, my family, my girlfriend. [throws his buff off angrily]

Here we go. Here comes the pain.

Where's the four Caesar salad, two shrimp?

Coming, chef. These were two, one and one.

Where's the fucking four I asked for?

Four Caesar salad, two shrimp.

(to Colleen) Hey!

Yes, chef.

You're doing this on purpose.

No I'm not, I swear. You said two. One and one.

Look at me! Look at me! Four fucking salads.

(interview) There's always that person in your life that's going to be grumpy, and, you know, not be nice. Then there's the one like Chef Ramsay, who's the arrogant, vicious attack dog.

(to Colleen) Hey, Madam, you're fucking pathetic!

Yes, chef.

Four salad, three shrimp, one plain! (to Colleen) Oh, no, no!

Yes, chef.

Hey, oh, no, no! Come here!

Yes, chef!

What's going?

Four Caesar salads, three shrimp, one plain!

One more!

Four Caesar salads, chef, three shrimp, one plain!

One more!

Four Caesar salads, chef, three shrimp, one plain!

And last time!

Four Caesar salad chef, three...

(visibly shocked) Oh, m - OHH, GOD!

... SHRIMP, ONE PLAIN!

Oh you fucking - hoo, shit! She's not normal... she cannot be normal...

(interview) My God! Colleen, if we lose tonight and I go home, I swear to God, I hope you can't sleep at night because you deserve to go home more than I do.

OK. On order: Four covers, Table 4. Two risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar salad.

Yes, Chef!

(to Giovanni) Is it [the water] boiling?

How long?

I'm waiting for the water to boil, Chef.

You expect me to tell Jean-Philippe we're waiting for your water to boil?

Oh, I'm sorry.

(interview) Oh, man, Gio. How do you expect to cook pasta in water that's not boiling?

Hey, look at me. There's no olive oil in there, the water's not seasoned, it's not even boiling!

(interview) Oh, that was my fault. I didn't check my equipment. It won't happen again, that's for sure.

Let's go, Giovanni, let's go! Oh, my God...

While Giovanni's in hot water, over in the Red kitchen, Coi's trying to get ahead.

(to Coi) Why are you cooking spaghetti when I haven't even fired it? DAMN!

Fuck!

WHY?!

I'm sorry, chef.

I can't believe this! Why can't you just drop it to order?!

I will, chef.

Tell me why you can't!

I'm just trying to get ahead, chef.

You can't get ahead! You're not that good!

(interview) I was trying to get so many steps ahead, so I'm kicking myself in the ass because if I would have listened better, he wouldn't be screaming at me.

Coi? Put some more spaghetti in. Make yourself...

Yes, chef.

Hey, I'm joking, you stupid cow!

It's an hour and 15 minutes into dinner service, and while food its way out of the blue kitchen...

Look what's in my salad.

..not all of it is edible.

What's going on on there?

That's from, uhm, table 20 blue.

Hey, ALL OF YOU! COME HERE! Who dressed the Caesar salad?

I did, chef. [Gordon shows the butt of lettuce to the members] (whispering) Jesus Christ!

Oi, bozo, Are you fucking stupid?

No, chef, I'm not. (interview) J feels like a jackass because of that freaking lettuce. I should have seen it. It's a disgrace. It really is.

Did you see that?

I did not, Chef. If I saw it, I would never put it in there.

(interview) Pretty hard to believe that that butt of lettuce went out there. It's hard to miss that big lettuce chunk if you're just tossing a small salad.

Un-fucking-believable.

Despite J's serving the butt of the lettuce, the blue team has served most of their appetizers.

Come here. All of you, come here! Put it down. (to Ben) Put it fucking down. What is that?

Lamb chop, sir.

Lamb chop, yeah? Eat it. (gives the lamb to Ben and he eats it) Happy now? Now it's getting thinner and thinner and thinner. There's another one. There's one ripped to fuck there now. Too thin, cowboy.

(interview) I'm like, "Ooh, why are you sending that out?" It looked like a piece of carpaccio on a bone, man.

(to Ben) How can someone so fucking fat slice something so fucking thin?

Sorry, chef. It won't happen again, chef.

I wouldn't even serve that to my fucking dog!

I'll fix it right now, chef.

Hey, stay here, you. Three Wellingtons, you brought me four. One medium, one medium-well, one well done. Where's the medium one?

The medium's here, Chef.

Where's the medium-well?

The medium-well's here, Chef.

Where's the well done one, then?

Right here, Chef.

So what the fuck is that one?

I don't know, chef. I'll take it back.

You don't know. That's funny, isn't it? A little "Ha-ha," "Tee-hee," and "God Bless Nebraska?"

[over Gordon] No, it's not funny.

On order, four covers, table three. One scallops, one risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar.

(to Giovanni) Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon!

Entrées: one Dory, one chicken, one lamb, one wellington.

Right here.

Seth! SETH!

Yes, chef!

Come here! What did I just call out?

[wiping his face with a cloth] I don't know, chef.

No, I know you don't know because you weren't even fucking prepared to listen. No wonder you're struggling.

What is he doing? Hey you, hey you, come here. [takes the cloth from Seth, and looks at him in disgust]

Sorry, chef.

I just watched you wipe your face and then wipe a pan. If this one's for your fucking nose, where's your cooking cloth?

Uh, I'll get one, chef.

[throws the cloth back to Seth] Fuck off, will you?

Where's the Wellington, please?

Two minutes on this ticket and the next, chef. So sorry, chef.

(disappointed) Oh...

It's a little on the rare side.

Scallops are undercooked, gonna have a refire, please.

(disappointed) What is going on? Oh no. Oh. [cuts to Coi accidentally dropping her spaghetti on her station] Fuck off - oh, no. Shit! Look at that! You, guy. (Robert) Come here, you fat fuck. Come here. All of you, come here. COME HERE! Hey, hey, look at me. You are pathetic. NO ONE won! FUCK OFF, both teams, start thinking about two of you to fucking go home. (to Coi) You, PATHETIC! I don't want anymore. (to Ben) I don't-I don't want to wait for your shit anymore, (to Danny) I don't want your shit anymore, (to Seth) I don't want you drying your face, and then fucking cooking with the cloth, YOU SCUMMY FUCKER! GET OUT! [all chefs exited the kitchen except Ben; he approaches him] GET OUT!

Where's the wellington, please?

Chef, I'm re-firing the wellington. The bottom's burning.

[begins searching] Where's the medium-well wellington?

I'm putting projector paper.

[finds that Andrea has hid her burnt meat underneath her station] Oh, shut up you, yeah? Shut up. What is this? [starts getting the meat]

They burned. I'm not quite sure why.

Watch. Look, look, look, look. (to the members) Hey, come here! Oy, oy, oy! There you go. There you go. There--Oh, dear! [throws a burnt wellington against the refrigerator] Fucking pile of shit!

(interview) I'm screwed. I'm fucking screwed.

Anything else?! Any - what else have you hid?!

No, chef. That's it, chef.

That's it, is it?! WHY'D YOU DO IT?!

Trying to get it together, chef.

I don't-- I just--[throws his cloth] I-I don't understand it!

Red, [Table] 53. Tanya Steel.

Not done? (returns to the workstation) There you go. Yeah, I've had enough. I've had enough. [slams the plate on the stove] Come here! There you go. (to Carol; gives her a piece of pear) Take a bite and pass it along. (to LA) LA, wake up, yeah?

It's hard as a fucking rock.

Raw pastry, raw pear. That's her! [kicks a bin]

(interview) Chef Ramsay wasn't kidding when he said it was raw. It was raw. That's just, "Sorry. Poor judgement."

(to Colleen) You didn't know that's raw pastry with a raw pear?

No, chef.

(interview) Everybody else was just looking around like, "You've got to be kidding me."

Un-fucking-believable! [goes to the blue kitchen and sits in fetal position]

Tonight, dinner service has totally collapsed.

Oh, Christ almighty! Two and a half hours of bullshit.

And Chef Ramsay is at the end of his rope.

(to Jean-Philippe; after returning to the pass with raw desserts) Oh fuck off. I'm... I've had enough. [goes to the red kitchen] Hey, when I say, I've had enough, I've had enough. Stoves off. [calls both teams] Come here. That was pathetic. (to Andrea) And you were absolutely useless. CLEAR DOWN! I can't take it anymore. It's been the worst performance so far. SWITCH IT FUCKING OFF! [throws his spoon away]

How long for the risotto and pasta?

Plating up the pasta right now.

How's your risotto?

I'm going. I'm going.

Where's the risotto?

Right here chef.

Carol!

Yes, chef!

[tastes the risotto then spits it out] Taste that rice, taste the rice. It's like mush! Show me the rice.

Right here.

Oh, my God! It's overcooked! It's like mush! Who cooked the rice?

The blue team.

The blue team? What? [goes over to the blue kitchen] Oh, come here you, all of you! Who cooked this rice?

I did, chef.

Look at it, J! How can you do that, J? [hurls the rice in the trash] J! For both teams?

Yes, chef.

Aw, fucking hell. Oh, come on. You can't do this!

(interview) The risotto was mushy, clumpy and nasty, and it definitely was not a good way to start the evening.

It's mush! Did you cook it all in the same pan?

Yes, chef.

Oh, fuck me. Oh, come on, fuck off J.

I'll get a pot on, chef. (interview) That pissed off Chef Ramsay, and I really didn't need that, because he's been riding me hard the past couple of days.

(to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, stop the risotto, yeah? (to J) J! I can't believe you just screwed the service in both kitchens!

(interview) J, you're my friend and I like you a lot, but today, you fucking suck, man.

Pasta undercooked, chef.

Is it?

Yeah, it's really undercooked, chef.

(to Carol) Hey, you, madam. The pasta's raw! Who's running the appetisers?

I am, chef!

Well, then run it, then! Does she [Andrea] wipe your ass?

No, chef. (interview) I get fucking yelled at because this stupid bitch can't fucking cook? What the hell is up with that? (to Ramsay) There's must be some mix-in because it's...

What?! Why aren't you tasting?

I was tasting it, chef.

So you tasted it, and you knew it's raw, and still sent it!

(interview) That stupid bitch doesn't fucking say anything when Chef Ramsay's yelling at me? FUCK THIS SHIT!

Madam, come here you, mouthy little bitch! You [Andrea] come here!

Yes, chef.

(to Jean-Philippe) Hey, give me that table out there! (to Carol and Andrea) And sit on that table and eat that! Both of you, fuck off out there! It's not undercooked, it's raw! RAW, Carol! [gets ticket from Jean-Philippe]

(to Carol) Let's eat it. Let's get this fucking over with.

(to Carol and Andrea) Hey, you're not coming back until it’s clear and you let me know how it tastes!

(interview) I was appalled that I had to stop during service. That pasta was grossly undercooked, and I had to eat that shit! (to Carol) Fucking eat up, girl.

It’s- it’s- I’m eating it. It’s fine.