Brittany Pierce quotes from Glee

Brittany

That's my man and his legs don't work!

Finn

Tenderoni!

Tina

I'm so in love I may just start crying. [kisses Mike]

Rachel

Why are my leg warmers on your arms?

Brittany

I got cold.

Will

Who can tell us what an anthem is?

Brittany

The bottom of an ant's pant.

Santana

[talking on her cellphone] It sounds awful. Is anyone even going?

Brittany

[walks next to Santana and holds out her cellphone] Let me find out. [dials Artie] Did you hear?

Artie

[on his cellphone] Yes. Mercedes just told me.

Mercedes

[pushing Artie's wheelchair] Tell them I'll go if they go.

Artie

Tell them yourselves. I ain't no Pony Express.

Mercedes

[rolls her eyes and turns on her headset] You're going, right?

Santana

Only if there's liquor. Because a Rachel Berry house party is not something I can do sober.

Brittany

But it's Alcohol Awareness week.

Santana

Precisely and I'm aware of how much fun alcohol is. Let's ask Puckerman. [dials Puck]

[on his cellphone] Go for Puck.

Santana

Noah, it's Santittany and Artcedes. Can your friends score us some wine coolers?

No, but his I.D. can.

Rachel

[burps] It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink! PINK!

Kurt

[dancing and talking to Finn] Are you not drinking?

Finn

No. Designated driver. What about you?

Kurt

I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy. [looks at Blaine]

Blaine

[dancing crazily]

Kurt

Clearly he doesn't have the same concern.

Blaine

Hey, it is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers...Like brothers. Wow. You're so tall.

Kurt

Are you having fun, Blaine?

Blaine

Yeah. This is the best party ever!

Rachel

Finny, dance with me. [dances with Finn] We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I'd do anything for you. Anything.

Finn

[lets go of Rachel] Okay Rachel, since this is your first time at this, I'm going to break it down for you. [sits down with Rachel]

Rachel

Okay.

Finn

Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.

Santana

[crying] You like her more than me! She's blond and awesome and so smart. Admit it! Just admit it!

Sam

[confused]

Santana

No kiss me! [kisses Sam]

Finn

Lauren Zizes and Quinn, the anger girl drunks.

Quinn

I can't believe what you did to my body! I used to have abs!

Back off!

Lauren

Who told you that hairstyle was cool? Geronimo?

Chill out!

Finn

Brittany, the girl who also turns into a stripper drunk.

Brittany

[dancing]

Artie

[throwing money into the air] Makin' it rain! [laughing] That's my girlfriend. I love you babe.

Finn

Mercedes and Tina, happy girl drunks.

[laughing hysterically]

Finn

And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It's not cool.

Rachel

[frowns and pats Finn's back] What-What kind of girl is this? [stands up] Let's play spin the bottle!

Brittany

[looking at the audience] You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha has been a culture icon for weeks and I really wanna do her music justice.

Sam

We haven't had enough rehearsal.

Mercedes

Or any at all.

Finn

And most of our assembly performances usually end in some kind of riot.

Rachel

Never fear, teammates. [hands plastic cups to everyone] Now it's a Broadway tradition for nervous performers to take a shot of whiskey before going on to calm their nerves and to mask the stench of bad dental hygiene. [pours her drink in each cup] In that tradition, I have mixed us a playful showbiz cocktail of what was left in my dad's liquor cabinet. There's some Brandy and Vermouth, Portwine, and Scotch in here and also some Kool-aid and some crumbled up Oreos.

Santana

Oh my God, this tastes like cough syrup.

Rachel

There's also cough syrup in here.

Brittany

[throws up on Rachel]

Brittany

Oh my God.

Rachel

[disgusted and leaves the stage]

Santana

[throws up also and coughs]

Brittany

Everybody drink responsibly.

Quinn

There's a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black now.

Brittany

That's so racist.

Brittany

I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone. Okay? Especially Artie. [closes her locker and leaves]

Santana

Yeah, sure. Your secret's safe with- Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.

Tina

[overhears and joins her] Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.

[walking with Lauren and overhears] It was only a matter of time.

Lauren

For what?

Brittany to get pregnant.

Lauren

Oh. [sees Artie wheeling by] Congratulations!

Artie

For what?

Lauren

You didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo! You're going to be a baby daddy!

Artie

[silent and shocked]

Will

All right, folks. Regionals is in a week. It's time to get deep into our set list. Artie? You okay?

Artie

[still in shock] My life is over. How am I suppose to support a baby? [turns to Brittany] How could you not tell me about this?

Will

Wait, Brittany, are you pregnant?

Brittany

Definitely. I'm so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.

Um, babies don't get dropped off.

Will

Wait, Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure.

Brittany

I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.

Santana

[looks at Brittany in shock]

Sam

[smiles and shakes his head]

Holly

Hola, clase.

Mercedes

Oh no, it's the salad lady.

Holly

Okay. So sex...it's just like hugging, only wetter.

Artie

Yeah it is.

Holly

Okay, so let's start with the basics. [to Finn] Finn, is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?

Finn

I have always been dubious.

Will

[strikes the piano keys]

Holly

[to Brittany] And Brittany, you think that storks bring babies?

Brittany

I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.

Will

[strikes the piano again]

Brittany

I really like when we make out and stuff.

Santana

Which isn't cheating because?

Brittany

The plumbing's different.

Santana

Look, let's be clear here. I'm not interested in any labels, unless it's on something I shoplift.

Brittany

I don't know. Santana, I think we should talk to somebody, like an adult. This relationship is really confusing for me.

Santana

Breakfast is confusing for you.

Brittany

Well, sometimes it's sweet, sometime it's salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner? Then what is it?

Santana

[walks to Brittany] Hi.

Brittany

Hi.

Santana

Can we talk?

Brittany

But we never do that.

Santana

I know but, um, I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in Glee club.

Brittany

Yeah.

Santana

'Cause it's made me do a lot of thinking. What I realize is why I'm such a bitch all the time. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings, feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with...because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't.

Brittany

I understand that.

Santana

Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?

Brittany

Not really.

Santana

I want to be with you. But I'm afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.

Brittany

Yeah, but honey...if anyone were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.

Santana

[sniffles and begins to cry] Yeah, I know. But...I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept...that I love you. I love you. And I don't want to be with Sam, or Finn, or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please...

Brittany

Of course I love you. I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie.

Santana

Artie?

Brittany

I love him too. I don't want to hurt him. That's not right. I can't break up with him.

Santana

Yes, you can. He's just a stupid boy.

Brittany

But it wouldn't be right. Santana, you have to know if Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single... [tries to touch Santana's arm]

Santana

[pulls her arm away] Don't.

Brittany

I am so yours. Proudly so.

Santana

Yeah, wow. Whoever thought that being fluid meant that you could be so stuck?

Brittany

Don't. I'm sorry -- [tries to hug Santana]

Santana

[pushes her away] Get off me. [leaves]

Brittany

The key is to use your curling iron in the bathtub to keep you from being burnt.

Lauren

No.