Lorelai Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Christopher

Where were you?

Lorelai

Fruitlessly trying to rectify a ratty transgression.

Christopher

Oh. You want some coffee?

Lorelai

No.

Christopher

What?

Lorelai

What?

Christopher

Well I know you well enough to know that when you say no to coffee, especially in the morning, all is not right in Whoville.

Lorelai

Very astute.

Christopher

So... last night.

Lorelai

Ah, last night was Chernobyl and the Hindenburg combined.

Christopher

Right, just checking.

Lorelai

My father almost hit someone. My father has probably only hit another man in college wearing boxing gloves and one of those Fred Mertz Golden Gloves pullover sweaters.

Christopher

Fred Mertz?

Lorelai

"I Love Lucy" - Fred Mertz.

Christopher

Landlord to Ricki, husband to Ethel, I know. It’s just a weird reference.

Lorelai

Hello, pajamas.

Christopher

Right. Continue.

Lorelai

And what are you doing telling my daughter to lie to me anyway?

Christopher

She’s my daughter too.

Lorelai

More like your playmate.

Christopher

You know I don’t deserve that, I’m as mature as you.

Lorelai

What? The Offspring is your favorite band!

Christopher

So? You’re into Metallica!

Lorelai

Well, Metallica is way more substantial than The Offspring!

Christopher

Here we go, it’s the same Black Sabbath riff all over again!

Lorelai

Oh! The Offspring have like one chord progression. They use it over and over. They just popped on new words and called it a single and I don’t want to talk about this anymore!

Lorelai

Hey — tomorrow, if you have time, I'm planning on despising everyone who says, "Hey, how's it going?".

Luke

You're on.

Hey, how's it going?

Lorelai

[to herself] Oh, now that's just too easy.

Luke

No, I believe you. If you say there's no reason for the mood, then there's no reason for the mood. You're simply nuts.

Lorelai

Or bipolar. That's very big nowadays.

Taylor

This festival is commemorating the founding of our town, young lady.

Lorelai

I know Taylor. I'm sorry.

Luke

She's bipolar.

Miss Patty

Really? But you're so young...

Lorelai

Rory, my heart, today is Saturday, the day of rest!

Rory

Sunday's the day of rest.

Lorelai

No, Saturday's the day of pre-rest, see? Then by the time you get to Sunday, you're rested enough...to enjoy your rest.

Rory

That made absolutely no sense.

Lorelai

That's because it's 6:00 in the morning!

Rory

Some people like getting up early.

Lorelai

You lie.

Lorelai

Independence Inn!

Emily

I need the hat rack.

Lorelai

[mysteriously] The fish flies at night!

Emily

What?

Lorelai

I don't know. Who is this?

Emily

[So] you were on the phone…

Richard

Long distance.

Lorelai

God?

Richard

London.

Lorelai

God lives in London?

Richard

My mother lives in London.

Lorelai

Your mother is God?

Richard

Lorelai…

Lorelai

So, God is a woman.

Richard

Lorelai…

Lorelai

And a relative! That's so cool. I am gonna totally ask for favors.

Richard

Make her stop.

Rory

Oh, that I could.

Emily

Do you know that every night at dinner the Kennedy clan would sit around the table having lively debates about everything under the sun. They would quiz each other about current events, historical events and intellectual trivia. Now the Gilmore clan is just as smart and wordly as the Kennedy's so come on someone say something.

Lorelai

Did you know that a butt model makes $10,000 a day?

Lorelai

Mother, Grandma is a very old woman, I highly doubt that she's going to remember everything she ever bought you.

Emily

She will remember down to the very last shrimp fork and do you know why?

Lorelai

No. [to statue of two dogs] Do you guys know why?

Emily

Because she doesn't just give you a present, she gives you a present and she tells you where to put it, how to use it, what it costs - for insurance purposes of course - and God forbid you should have a different opinion or you don't think it works in the space or you just get tired of waking up every morning with those horrifying animals staring at you!

Lorelai

[to the dogs] She's just upset.

Emily

Stop talking to the dogs!

Rory

And I need some of Mom, too.

Lorelai

I thought we already had this conversation.

Rory

Yeah, but I don't believe you.

Lorelai

Mother, tell her.

Emily

I don't have any baby pictures of your mother.

Lorelai

Thank you.

Rory

How could you not have any baby pictures of Mom?

Emily

Because, when your mother was seven, I came downstairs and found her burning all of her baby pictures.

Rory

Why would you do that? I'm sure you were a cute baby.

Emily

She was. She was very cute.

Lorelai

4… 3… 2… 1…

Emily

… in most respects.

Lorelai

And we have liftoff.

Rory

What does that mean?

Lorelai

Nothing.

Emily

I don't see what the problem is. You certainly grew into it.

Rory

Grew into what?

Emily

As a child, your mother had an unusually large head.

Lorelai

The best thing about it was that she would tell me — constantly. My first complete sentence was, "Big Head want dolly".

Emily

Of course, they could only get ten of these, so I'm two chairs short of a set.

Lorelai

You're telling me.

Lorelai

Can I use the fun cutter thingy?

Luke

Not if you call it the fun cutter thingy.

Lorelai

Please?

Luke

Cut the box, not your hand.

Lorelai

Good tip. You should teach.

Lorelai

So what time does the judgmental express arrive?

Rory

Grandma gets here at noon.