Lorelai Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Lorelai

You want me to call you at Yale in the middle of the night so I can say, "Hey, drive 20 miles to stand in the snow with Mommy"?

Rory

Yes.

Lorelai

And then we take the "Craziest Mother-Daughter" title from Judy and Liza.

Lorelai

Hey! I sat up with you all night when you had the chicken pox. I held your hands so that you couldn't scratch your face and scar your perfect skin. You look that way because of me.

Rory

Night, mom.

Lorelai

But, ah, the chicken pox!

Rory

Beefaroni, it's calling you!

Luke

Okay, now just hold the flashlight, do not do any moving spotlight gags and point it at me and yell "Freeze, drop your weapons."

Lorelai

[laughs] How about if I shine it on the wall and do a dirty hand puppet show?

Luke

Just stand back so the lightning only strikes you.

Lorelai

Are you doing like a Mrs. Robinson thing with my mother?

Jason

Yes. I was visiting Richard one day and he stepped out and Emily lit a cigarette and did that triangle thing with her thigh.

Lorelai

Was she at the professor's again last night?

Rory

Yes, but she claims she was up all night cramming.

Lorelai

Well, she was.

Rory

Oh, ick!

Lorelai

I'm going to go make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken.

Rory

That's going on your tombstone.

Lorelai

If you're here, then who's this?

Rory

I don't know.

Lorelai

We have a stranger in our house!

Rory

Robert Downey Jr.?

Lorelai

Or a murderer!

Rory

Who needed a nap before committing his crime?

Lorelai

[answering the phone] Hello?

Emily

It's a complete disaster!

Lorelai

My existence?

Emily

Not everything is about you, Lorelai.

Rory

So who else is joining us?

Emily

No one. We brought one of Richard's coats to hang over the chair.

Richard

We're saying it's Marjorie's husband.

Emily

He's making the rounds and at about eight he'll get sick and have to leave.

Richard

Does everybody understand the story?

Lorelai

I think so. But then we'll have to hide his jacket. So I suggest I put it under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, then Jason can pretend to be the doctor, then Rory can dig a tunnel, and --

Emily

I might have known you'd turn this into something ridiculous, Lorelai.

Rory

Yeah, I wanna be the doctor.

Lorelai

Hi, Rory, it's me. How's school? You learning stuff? Listen, we have the horses, Desdemona and Cletus, and the first two rides have to be me and you. And hopefully, you're over the time that I took you for the pony ride, and the pony was old and just sort of stopped and laid down, and you sort of rolled off into the ditch. It's really not likely to happen again. I promise. So, call me, call me. [puts phone away as Tom walks by] Hey, Tom, how do you like our new horses?

Very fragrant.

Lorelai

I am sorry but you write less than the people offering to enlarge a piece of anatomy I do not possess.

Rory

I could have sworn I told you.

Lorelai

I just reread every e-mail you sent in the last 10 days. No sickness mentioned, but you did share these gems: "What up? Is it freezing there too? Ice". And, "Phew, Pooped". Then you added one of those obnoxious hieroglyphics that I can never read that indicate you're laughing or smiling or frowning or vomiting.

Rory

That's a typo. I don't do cutesy symbols.

Lorelai

You're not even using verbs. That's not a relationship. Relationships need verbs.

Rory

Yours aren't much better.

Lorelai

Does Dad even want any of this stuff?

Emily

He doesn't know what he wants, Lorelai, so I choose what he wants. [stops in front of globe] Excuse me!

Yes?

Emily

I want this.

I'm sorry ma'am, that's just a display. It's not for sale.

Emily

Everything is for sale.

I will take care of it.

Lorelai

Was that her real name — "Sweetie"?

Emily

No, her name was "Melinda". "Sweetie" was a nickname.

Lorelai

Why?

Emily

What do you mean, why?

Lorelai

I mean, how did they get "Sweetie" from "Melinda"?

Emily

They didn't get "Sweetie" from "Melinda". "Sweetie" is a nickname.

Lorelai

Yes, I know "Sweetie" was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.

Emily

She was sweet. That's the story.

Lorelai

Okay.

Emily

: She had a very sweet nature.

Lorelai

Hmm.

Emily

Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai?

Lorelai

No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her "Sweetie". It's a good story.

Emily

No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you?

Lorelai

Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's…

Emily

All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man — so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name "Sweetie". There, how was that?

Lorelai

Now, that was a pretty good story.

Rory

Nigella just made a raisin cake that looked so good, the fact that raisins make me gag became totally irrelevant.

Lorelai

Well, good, more ordering choices.

Rory

Oh, my God, she's about to deep-fry a Bounty Bar. I want to move in with her and call her Mommy. Do you mind?

Lorelai

You know, it's so weird. I know so little about Gran. I mean, like, what was her maiden name?

Emily

Gilmore.

Lorelai

No, no, her maiden name.

Emily

Gilmore.

Lorelai

Wait. Y-you're not saying -

Emily

She and Charles were second cousins.

Lorelai

Ew! What?!

Emily

Oh, don't act so scandalized. It was not at all uncommon for prominent families to keep the bloodlines closed.

Lorelai

Keeping the bloodlines closed. Is that what we're calling it?

Emily

Well, what would you call it?

Lorelai

Oh, I don't know. How about "Good morning, Appalachia, I got a mighty cute sister and an extra set of toes."