Carmen Lopez quotes from George Lopez

George

[to Carmen] You're not going out tonight.

Carmen

I get it, it's too soon. I'll just go to bed, but I want you to know things aren't the same. I partied with Chingy and I shared a sandwich with a homeless guy. I've done it all. So no more curfews, no more rules, I'm an adult and tomorrow night, I'm going out.

George

[to Angie] She's right. Things aren't the same. They're worse.

George

[to Carmen] You were in hotel rooms. Don't think I'm going to believe nothing happened.

Carmen

Nothing did happen! You want to take me to a doctor and get me tested? I'm still a virgin.

George

We'll go to the doctor. It's 9:00 at night, We'll go to the emergency room.

Carmen

Dad, I didn't do anything!

George

Don't lie to me!

Carmen

I didn't! You raised me better that that!

George

No, I didn't. I was never there, I was always busy, I was too hard on you.

Carmen

Yeah, you were. And every time Zack tried to get me to do something with him, I heard you tell me, "Don't do anything you'd be embarrassed to tell me or your mother about."

George

Carmen, get your stuff. I'm taking you home.

Carmen

No. No, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying with my friends.

George

Friends? How do you even know all these people?

Carmen

Well, Zack broke up with me in a club and I was crying in the bathroom and one of Chingy's dancers was there to cheer me up, so we just started hanging.

George

Who's Chingy? [everyone in the room looks at George weirdly]

Carmen

Who's Chingy?! I can't believe you. His videos are on all the time. "Balla Baby"? "Holidae Inn"?

Vic

Hey, George ,you find Carmen yet? Hey, what's Chingy doing here?

George

[to Carmen] All right. What the hell happened out there?

Angie

Now is not the time, George.

Carmen

It's none of your business anyway.

George

Everything you do is my business.

Carmen

You have issues.

George

You're damn right I have issues. Look, I tried to give you everything I never had and you run away from it.

Carmen

Oh, yeah. I have everything. I have a father and a mother who treat me like a baby and control everything I do.

George

Carmen, you're lucky you have parents who care. Look, I didn't have a dad and I prayed that my mom would come home at 6:00 so I could see her before bedtime. If I was lucky, she came home drunk with the spins, so she'd have to hold on to me! That was my hug!

Angie

George! Remember the literature? She's home safe and sound. We should be happy now.

George

Look, Angie, don't try to pretend like everything's alright. Okay, it wasn't alright when last night you were crying.

Carmen

Maybe you should've thought of that when you told me to leave.

Angie

Stop it! We all need to give each other time to accept... [reaches for her brochure in her back pocket, reads it, then puts it back]... to accept the reunification process.

Carmen

You know, I still have my bag packed upstairs.

Angie

Then go get it.

Carmen

You don't mean that.

Angie

Yeah, I do, because having you stay out all night at parties is no different than having you run away.

Winnie

Angie, your daughter's stinking drunk.

Carmen

I sure 'yam, but what else is there to do here except drink? Unless you want to make out with some tramp behind the Canyon Mart. [sees Lil' Bit] Hey, you're here!

George

Our kids didn't get in this alone. Somebody gave my son a hickey and somebody gave my 15-year-old daughter beer.

Carmen

You can get it anywhere around here, Dad. Everybody drinks and nobody cards you.

Winnie

I'll have you know my oldest son has never had alcohol.

Carmen

Pot head!

Winnie

So that's where the ice cream is going.

Carmen

I'm gonna distract Jason with my body and destroy him with my mind.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I've distracted with my body. Hell, I've destroyed with my body. I remember one time when I distracted one guy while I destroyed the other.

George

I remember that day. You forgot to put a sock on the front door and I walked in on you. That was not a good Mother's Day for me.

George

[to Carmen when Max complains about his braces] You're just jealous we fixed his problem, but we can't fix the problem with your legs.

Carmen

What's wrong with my legs?

George

Nothing if they come with coleslaw and biscuits, chicken legs!

George

Drugs, Carmen?!

Carmen

Dad, I can explain. I didn't do any drugs.

George

Let me guess, you were at the party and the drugs just happened to show up.

Carmen

Yes!

George

Is that you talking or the monkey on your back? How many colors do you see, huh junkie?

Angie

George, stop it. STOP IT. (pulls Carmen aside) Carmen, what really happened?

Carmen

Well, some guys from another school came and crashed the party, and started smoking pot and then the cops came and nobody would admit the drugs were theirs so they brought us all in for questioning.

George

Oh, honey, why didn't you just say so? Now I believe you.

George

Hurts, doesn't it, junkie?!

Angie

George!

George

Angie, her pupils are huge!

Angie

They're dark brown, that's the way they always look.

George

Really? They're not green?

Carmen

What's gonna happen to Jason?

Well if there's nobody to release him to, he'll probably end up in a group home.

Carmen

(turns to George, worried) Dad, a group home!

George

Oh c'mon Carmen, that sounds like fun! Bunk beds, sing-a-longs. [sings] Drive-bys are bad! Come on, making a quilt with the names of your fallen homies. "Gimme a sequin so I can put a teardrop on Spider."

Carmen

(to the police officer) Excuse me, when is Jason McNamara gonna be released?

He's not. He's a minor and his parents are out of the country. We have no one to release him to.

Carmen

Jason can't spend the night in jail!

George

I spent the night in jail once and nothing happened to me.

Carmen

It's not the same, Dad, Jason's pretty!

Carmen

Things are pretty good right now.

No, they're not. You're Mexican. You're in pain. Your people have been raped and pillaged by the conquistadores. I am so jealous.

George

What are you talking about? She was born in Burbank. She's got her own car and a closet full of clothes. You want to see a Mexican suffering, come back when I have to pay her cell phone bill.

George

When you grow up without love, you'll do anything for it. When I was a kid, I considered lighting myself on fire so my mom would wrap me in a blanket and hug me.

Carmen

That's awful. You and Mom love me unconditionally, right?

George

We won't know until you're on fire.

Carmen

Fine, then I'll just get pregnant and move to Georgia (breaks into a Southern accent) 'cuz I don't need y'all's consent to get married there.

George

(about Carmen) Angie, tell me you had an affair with Garth Brooks and that she's not mine!