Benny Lopez quotes from George Lopez

George, if you expect a dog to bite you, you'll be happy if all he does is poop on your shoes.

I don't know why they're making these kids do a play on staying away from strangers, that is a parent's job. I'll give you my play, "Everyone is Bad". Thank you, thank you.

I'll tell you your problem.

You already ruin your kids by coddling them. George was always very independent. He was crossing the street by himself when he was 2.

I'll tell you what I did when you were a kid. I used to read the newspaper to you right before bed. Remember the Zodiac Killer? You'd say, "He's not coming here, is he Mommy?" And then I'd look at the paper and tell you, "It doesn't say..."

Okay, you can laugh, but it worked!

(as Rosie the Robot in the Jetsons sketch) Here I am, Mrs. J. I was just watching my favorite soap opera, "The Young and the Rustless." [laughs]

You know, when I was a kid, I got a black eye for Christmas and I said thank you.

Hey, I have a question.

Yes?

That sign outside, "No smoking", Is that just for the kids, or for everybody?

That's for everyone.

How long is the play?

Just under 20 minutes.

I'll catch it on Broadway.

George

Mom!

I'm not going to lie. But then, he doesn't turn out to be as great as you thought and the next thing you know, you're alone with a baby. And while all the rest of your friends are out having a great time, you're up to your stretch marks in dirty diapers. I gave up all my pretty years for him. [points to George]

[referring to Marisol] How's it going with Miss Home Invasion over here?

George

I never should've let Angie talk me into bringing this girl here! She's sarcastic, she's rude... she's like you but with estrogen!

I told you it was a bad idea to take her into your home, and it's a bad idea to bring her to work!

Marisol

Powers Brothers Aviation....[to George] It's Mrs. Lopez.

George

Oh, that's for me.

Marisol

Sorry, no personal calls at work. [hangs up phone]

I like her.

Oh, hey, Mr. Peepers. Next show starts tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. sharp.

George

I hope there's a 20 drink minimum.

Oh, he's scared of death. Ever since he was a kid.

Angie

He never told me that. Did something happen?

Oh, just the kind of stuff that really is out of a parent's control.

Angie

Like what?

Like, um, I lied to him and told him that his dad died when he was four. That probably didn't help.

Angie

Mm-hmm.

And then, he was really scared, and he asked me if he was ever gonna die.

Angie

And what did you say?

I said no. I said, "When you grow up, they will have cured all of the diseases and you're gonna live forever." Now, that one wasn't my fault. Science let me down.

George

Carmen, what happened?

Carmen

I got into a fight with Piper. She kept called me a slut and then she pushed me.

Angie

Honey are you okay? You have blood on you!

Carmen

That's Piper's.

George

Really?

Carmen

Yeah, I punched her in the nose.

George

DAMN, my girl's a scrapper!

Angie

George!

George

Angie let me have this, she drew blood!

Carmen

I didn't start the fight, I didn't even WANT to fight her but, ugh, she made me. You believe me, right?

George

Of course we do

Carmen

Good, cause Mr. Durango didn't. I'm suspended.

Angie

Wait, YOU'RE suspended? That's not right.

George

See Angie, I told you, he's paying me back by getting at my daughter, you still think I'm being paranoid?

[walks in] Hey what's going on?

George

Carmen got in a fight, Mom.

Look, you have blood on you!

Carmen

That's the other girl's.

DAMN, my granddaughter's a scrapper!

George

Mom, we don't encourage violence in this house. [they secretly highfive]

Angie

Benny, take Carmen upstairs and help her clean up.

Sure. Let's go champ. [takes her upstairs]

George

Carmen, get down here!

Angie

(to Benny) So, how did it go with the kids?

Was I babysitting?

Angie

Yes.

In that case, they were a handful. You owe me twenty bucks.