Vic Palmero quotes from George Lopez

Vic

Okay, who wants their buns toasted?

Vic

(to George) What is with the smoke? Did the little girl from Kansas poor water on your mother?

George

Carmen, get your stuff. I'm taking you home.

Carmen

No. No, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying with my friends.

George

Friends? How do you even know all these people?

Carmen

Well, Zack broke up with me in a club and I was crying in the bathroom and one of Chingy's dancers was there to cheer me up, so we just started hanging.

George

Who's Chingy? [everyone in the room looks at George weirdly]

Carmen

Who's Chingy?! I can't believe you. His videos are on all the time. "Balla Baby"? "Holidae Inn"?

Vic

Hey, George ,you find Carmen yet? Hey, what's Chingy doing here?

George

Hey, Vic.

Vic

Ah.

George

Hold up. [goes into the garage and gets a putter] Hey, man, I know you're having trouble with your game. How would you like my lucky putter?

Vic

I can't just take your lucky putter, George, come on.

George

You're right, give me $1,000.

Vic

$1,000? What's going on? Money problems again?

George

Angie picked out this ring I can't afford, and she thinks I'm gonna get it for her.

Vic

George, George. A ring means nothing. I gave my wife a three-carat stone. But that didn't stop her from cheating on me. She even threw the ring at me during counseling when I called her a mattress-hopping whore frog. In Spanish, that is devastating.

George

You know, it's horrible when a marriage falls apart. Hey, did you keep that ring?

Vic

Yeah. I'm gonna use it to scratch "fornicator" on her coffin. So the devil knows which line to put her in.

George

Look, Vic, that ring obviously has a lot of bad memories for you, but if you gave it to me, and I give it to Angie, that would make your daughter happy. That would make a good memory.

Vic

But, she would know it's her mother's ring?

George

No, no, she won't. I'll take the stone-- I'll put it in a new setting.

Vic

Ah.

George

Hey, hey, hey. When we got married, we couldn't afford a decent wedding, and you didn't help us. This would make up for that 100 times over.

Vic

Okay, George. Because it will make my daughter happy, I will give you the ring.

George

Oh, man. Thanks, Vic. This means a lot to me.

Vic

And I will take the putter, your table saw, and your power drill.

George

[sits down] Deal.

Vic

I'm not finished. [taps George's left shoe with the putter] What size shoe are you?

Vic

Change of plans, don't give her the ring.

George

What? I just gave it to her. What do you think this was about, that shirt?

Vic

You got me this for Christmas.

George

Hey. [does a thumbs up] What's going on?

Vic

Well, last night, I did something very stupid. I went to Happy Hour at Baja Beach, and you know, they got those giant margaritas.

George

Get to the point.

Vic

Well, I was drunk. So I called Angie's mother and told her I gave her diamond to a younger woman.

George

What?!

Vic

Oh, the whole bar cheered for me, man. [does a crazy dance and chanting] Whore frog! Whore frog! Whore frog!

George

Vic!

Vic

Sorry, George. Legally, the ring is hers from the settlement that she demanded it back.

George

Oh, man, the ring is Angie's now. Tell Emilina you lost it, tha-tha-tha-that someone stole it.

Vic

Hey. If I don't give that ring back to Emilina, I would have to pay her $30,000.

George

Good. You stay calm, you came up with the solution. Nice work, Vic.

Vic

George. I have no choice. If you don't tell her, I will have to.

Vic

[to Angie about Spencer Vogel] I paid him $10,000 to break it off with you and never see you again.

Angie

You paid him to get out of my life? How dare you!

George

Yeah, how dare you! Hey, man, you hated my guts and you never offered me a dime.

Vic

[to George] I want to date your sister and I'm going to.

George

No, you're not because I forbid it!

Vic

Forbid?! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You do not use that word on Victor Garcia Lantigua Palmero. Castro forbid me from leaving the island, but I did it! My parents forbid me from marrying Emilina, but I did it! The president of my condo association forbid me from having pets, but I feed stray cats every night! I do what I want!

Vic

Back in Cuba, there were no pedophiles trying to molest you. If an old man had his hand down your pants, it was because he was looking for food!

George

Why would you carry around food in your pants? Why not just use a brown paper bag?

Vic

And leave my father without a briefcase? I don't think so.

Angie

It was. But I saw how excited George was that I didn't have the heart to tell him.

Vic

So, what are you gonna do nine months from now? Wrap a basketball in a blanket and say "Look, he's got your head?"