Ernie Cardenas quotes from George Lopez

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Scenes with Ernie Cardenas 15

Ernie

Hey, what are you doing?

Well, I'm still trying to find my dad. So I'm gonna run an ad in all the newspapers up in Northern California. What do you think? "I lost my father as a boy, mother told me he was dead. Found out he's alive, am now seeking to re-unite with him. Manny Lopez, 5'10", latino male, mid-50's. Will pay for any information leading to contact.

Ernie

Hey, take a little advice from somebody who's written more than his fair share of personal ads. They charge you by the word. You can say the same thing with a lot less.

Ernie [crossing out words in George's ad]: Just get rid of this, this, this, this, this, this, and this. Now read it to me.

"Boy seeking latino male. Will pay for contact."

Ernie

Well, at least it grabs you.

Yeah, but where?

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Ernie

I'm sorry, George. I didn't know Marisol was coming back. I tried to paint it myself, but halfway through, it started looking like a monkey with boobs.

Marisol

I know one monkey with boobs that owes me some money!

Ernie

Oh, yeah? Well, get it from Mariah Carey, 'cause that's who you painted!

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So I walk in and there he is, Tommy "Rango" Durango, can you believe that? The conflict manager is my bully from grade school!

I would have loved to have met him George but SOMEBODY didn't wait for our E-ppointment.

I'm sorry Angie but I couldn't wait. You know this guy tells me that Carmen's problems are gonna blow over...but now I'm starting to think he's doing nothing on purpose to get back at me.

Why would he do that?

[flashback to when George, Ernie and Durango are in grade school.]

DDurango

If I get expelled for this, you're dead! You hear me? DEAD!

[laughing] Don't drop the soap!

Ernie

What does that mean?

I dunno.

[they both walk off, cut back to the present]

Come on George, you're being paranoid! I mean who holds a grudge for 30 years?

So you're not still mad that I forgot to wear my jacket in our wedding photo?

No.

Doesn't bother you at all.

Nope.

So you're over it?

Of course not. I'm just glad that the happiest day of my life was just Casual Saturday to you. Every time I walk by that picture, I die a little.

Well I'm glad you're still over it.

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[after Max and Ricky drove George's car into the backyard]

How the hell did that happen?

Max

Well, we were trying to surprise you and wash your car, but the hose is too short. I love you, Dad.

Look, I want the truth.

Okay. Here's what happened. We ditched school. But it was lucky because two gangbangers were stealing your car. We scared them away. But when we tried to put the car back in the driveway, we crashed, so I guess you're welcome, Mr. Lopez.

[to Max] You, you're going back to school. We'll deal with this tonight. [to Ricky] And you, you're out of here, man. I'm taking you back to your mother. And say goodbye to Max. Because that's the last time you're gonna see him. Do you know you could've killed someone?

Ernie

Wow. Hey, your mom sits out here. What if she was in that chair?

Don't try to cheer me up.

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[George, Ernie and Ricky arrive at the apartment]

Hey, you two wait here. I wanna talk to his mom alone.

Ernie

All right.

[George leaves them and goes to find Tammy]

Ernie

You know, that was a pretty stupid stunt you two pulled.

I know. Do you think he'll ever let me see Max again?

Ernie

He's pretty mad, Ricky.

Max is my best friend.

Ernie

Hey, you know what? Once George cools down, I'll try and talk to him, all right?

Thanks, Ernie. You ever do anything like this when you were a kid?

Ernie

[chuckling] Actually, yeah. One time, George and I broke into school with a whole bunch of spray paint, and we... Made a banner that said, "Learning is cool." Whoo! Those were the days, man. [chuckling]

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Angie, there's something you need to know about your dad. Linda, he kissed our mommy. And I'm not talking about a peck on the cheek. I'm talking full-on mustache to mustache!

Linda

What?!

Daddy?

Vic [to Benny] You told!

No, it was Ernie.

Ernie

Hey, hey. I only told because it wasn't fair, all right? The only reason George let him go out with Linda is because Vic paid him two thousand dollars!

Dude!

What?!

Linda

You pimped me out for two thousand dollars?!

Why you gotta say it like that, negative?

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[While Ernie is reading notes to Benny about her house]

Ernie

(first letter) You had it coming. (second letter) You deserve it. (third letter) What the hell does God have to do to finish you off. (fourth letter) I hope you get another house...

That's not bad.

Ernie (continuing the letter): But this time, paint the windows shut so you burn inside like the wicked witch you are.

Who signed that? I want to send them a Christmas card.

Ernie

Actually the whole neighborhood signed it, like a petition. Whatcha!

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Ernie

I'm sorry, George. I just sat down for a minute to rest my knees. I guess I must have nodded off. I don't know why they're bothering me so much.

You know you're supposed to listen to your body and right now, your knees are screaming, "You're crushing us! Eat a salad!"

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Ernie

Hey, that's my apartment! What are the neighbors gonna think when some creepy weird dude shows up?

I don't know. What'd they think when you moved in?

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George (to Ernie): Why didn't you tell me they were moving the factory?

Ernie

I left you a message.

Dude, I don't listen to your messages anymore.

Ernie

Why?

Dude, you call me every time you see a hot girl on the freeway. Then, you take up 5 minutes of my voice mail saying "George, George, George!"

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[After Ernie rejects his attraction to Angie, hurting her feelings]

You have drooled over my wife every day since high school. Now, the one time I wanted you to tell her she's hot, YOU DON'T DO IT?!

Ernie

I was trying not to stare! Not in this costume!

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I don't believe you. You framed him. Do you realize because of what you did, I hated men for twenty years?

Hated men? Not on Friday and Saturday nights! How dumb did you think I was, I knew there wasn't a ghost in your room! "Oooooooohhhh." No ghost calls out men's names!

Ernie

Oh, now I get it! I never understood why a ghost would haunt for 10 minutes, go use your bathroom then haunt again.

Wayne was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I thought we were gonna get married. Why would you do something like this?

Wayne might've been great for you, but not for me.

Was he mean to you? Did he smack you around when I wasn't in the room? Because it's okay, I gave him permission to do that!

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You couldn't share me, so you ruined my life.

I didn't know what Wayne meant to you, Mom. I was ten. I didn't know anything. I thought it would be cool if you married Elton John.

George, Wayne could've made our lives so much better, but you blew it.

I know. I feel horrible about it, but there's nothing I can do. It was a long time ago.

It wasn't a long time ago. He came by the other day and you told him I was dead. You lied. You're always calling me a liar, but you are no better.

Yes, I am. I only lied once.

Really? Is this the first time Wayne has tried to contact me?

(lies) Yes.

(walks over to Ernie)

Ernie

(scared) He comes by everytime he's single, it's been 7 times in the last 30 years. Oh, he misses you greatly.

7 times.

Okay, so I was raised by the biggest liar in the world. You told me, for my birthday, that you got me a cat, like a special breed, called the nut cat. That squirrel almost tore my whole face off!

At least I didn't ruin your life, I'm gonna die alone thanks to you.

No you're not. I'm gonna find Wayne and I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna give you guys a second chance.

You told him I was dead.

So? I'll just tell him the truth, and I promise you Mom, when he sees you, he's gonna think you're as beautiful now as you were 30 years ago-- oh qué la, I'm lying now and I can't stop lying! (runs out the house)

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Man, I'm too late. Angie has the bills.

Ernie

So? What's the big deal?

I went a little crazy with my raise and dropped $900 on some new golf clubs. I was hoping to get the bill before Angie got a chance to see it.

Ernie

You hide things you buy from your wife?!