Max Lopez quotes from George Lopez

Max

(to Benny after she threw his ball away from him): You know, I got a better idea. Why don't you take your tired ass home?! (Benny slaps Max on his face in front of his friends)

Max

Damn, Grandma! Your boobs are huge!

Max

Mom's planning a big wedding, so Dad is doing the cooking and laundry. That's why I'm hungry and going commando.

Max

Dad, there's some dude in the bathroom. You want me to get the bat?

Max

What's a period?

George

It's a bullet we dodge. Go get ready.

George

Alright, this movie might be a little mature for you, but I think it's more important that you learn that not everyone out there is a nice person.

Max

What's the movie?

George

Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I queued it up to the educational part.

George

I gotta tell the kids I found their grandpa. Carmen, Max, get down here!

Angie

You know you have to explain about his partner, Charles, too?

George

Oh. Take your time, kids.

Carmen

What's up?

George

I got some great news and some interesting news. I think I found your grandpa.

Max

Really?

George

I might have even found you two grandpas!

George

Max, you wanna see the veins on grandpa's forehead pop out?

Max

Yeah!

George

Tell him how great Castro looks for his age.

Max

Aunt Gloria kissed Dad!

Angie

That's how people say goodbye, Max.

Max

No, in the garage last night.

George

Ohh...

Angie

What?!

Max

In her nightgown. The red one, not the black one! Dad said we should wait 'til she left to tell you.

George

Left the city, man. Not the porch!

Max

No way. Vegetarians are left-wing nutjobs. They undermine the beef industry and put a lot of good, hard-working Americans out on their butts.

Angie

...What?!

Max

That's what my head ranger, Mr. Dugan, says.

George

Man, what are they teaching you over there? You're supposed to be learning about knots and wood carving.

Max

Wood carving? Ha! Try to get a piece of lumber nowadays, with all these liberal tree-huggers.

You know what I hate? You can't smoke in restaurants, but a mother can pull out her chi-chi's to feed a baby.

George

Dude, you still got cartoons on your underwear. No.

George

Angie, do you think the kids have favorites?

Angie

No, I think they love us both equally.

George

Hey Max.

Max

Hey dad.

George

Answer a question for us. Your mom and I are both drowning and there's only one life preserver.

Angie

George!

George

[to Benny] What the hell were you thinking? How many times have I told you that this isn't putting out a cigarette?

It wasn't me. I flick it to the neighbor's yard like decent people.

George

[to Carmen] What the hell were you thinking?

Carmen

Why are you accusing me?

George

You snuck out of the house, you got a hicky, you smoked a cigarette, you are one hard lemonade away from arson.

Max

I did it.

George

I knew it. [to Carmen] What did you do to make your brother burn the garage down?

Max

Ricky gave me a bottle rocket, and I shot it off, but I didn't know it would land on the garage. I'm really sorry, Dad.

George

Sorry doesn't cut it. You can say goodbye to your allowance for the next year.

Max

But Dad...

George

No, I don't want to hear it. Max, you destroyed the garage. [realizes] Oh, man, my golf clubs! No, I put them in the car. No, I put them in the garage to clean them! No, I put them back. I don't remember!

George

What's Ricky doing here? You know he's not allowed in the house.

Max

I know, but he needed a ride to the game.

Mr. Lopez, can't you forgive me?

George

Forgive you? You burned down my garage!

George

How the hell did that happen?

Max

Well, we were trying to surprise you and wash your car, but the hose is too short. I love you, Dad.

George

Look, I want the truth.

Okay. Here's what happened. We ditched school. But it was lucky because two gangbangers were stealing your car. We scared them away. But when we tried to put the car back in the driveway, we crashed, so I guess you're welcome, Mr. Lopez.

George

[to Max] You, you're going back to school. We'll deal with this tonight. [to Ricky] And you, you're out of here, man. I'm taking you back to your mother. And say goodbye to Max. Because that's the last time you're gonna see him. Do you know you could've killed someone?

Ernie

Wow. Hey, your mom sits out here. What if she was in that chair?

George

Don't try to cheer me up.

Max

[to George] If you can't afford to buy Mom the ring, why don't you just tell her the truth?

George

Max, someday you'll meet a woman and you will disappoint her. You'll lie and you'll feel bad, and that's how you know it's love. Now say goodbye to your bike and go do your homework.