Kif Kroker quotes from Futurama

You must smoke peace pipe, and you must do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you.

Kif

Well, it's just really that I don't feel that--

Zapp Brannigan

Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers all smoke and they seem pretty on-the-ball.

Zapp Brannigan

I didn't realize you were bringing your girlfriend Lieutenant. [Snickers]

Kif

[sighs] She won't leave me alone.

Zapp Brannigan

Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more like a wife!

Zapp Brannigan

Now remember Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in.

Kif

Well, sir, I'm a little nervous about meeting her parents.

Zapp Brannigan

Of course you are. You're meek and uninteresting.

Kif

I love it out here, Amy. I feel so manly. I have a blister, I-I spit! A-And of course, I tell no one my feelings.

Amy

But you still have them, right?

Kif

Oh, yes. But I keep them inside until I can write them in my diary.

Amy

Ah, it's a wonderful night.

Kif

It sure is. I could just lie here beside you staring at the sky all night.

Amy

I can't! [She kisses him and the ground shakes] What's that?

Kif

Maybe we just made love!

Amy

Thanks for saving my life, Kif. You're my hero.

Kif

Oh, you're kind. But your parents still don't like me.

Amy

Well globviously! But if they liked you then I wouldn't. Don't you know anything about girls?

Kif

Dear diary, I just made love for the second time!

Kif

Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life! You all brought such wonderful gifts. But the greatest gift...

Bender

Mine!

Kif

...is the bond I share with my smizmar, Amy. For soon, the quivering mass of life within me will depend on us both. Even now, I can sense it feeding, squirming, searching, questing. And shortly, it will rend my loins in twain, burst forth and pull us down, down, down into the deep, dark waters of commitment.

Dr. Zoidberg

That's so beautiful!

Amy

Spirit! Kif, that's the pony I always wanted but my parents said I had too many ponies already.

Kif

Yes, I programmed it in for you. Four million lines of BASIC.

Kif

Leela must have impregnated me when she grabbed my ungloved hand. That explains the poster in hygiene class: "No Glove, No Love".

Leela

Wow, this is all so confusing.

Zapp Brannigan

Leela! How could you? Our love has had to endure your constant hatred, and now this? [crying] Stop testing our love!

Kif

Well, we've given them a great start, Amy. And in 20 years they'll sprout legs and crawl back onto land as children.

Amy

I'll be ready then.

Zapp Brannigan

Philip J. Fry, you stand accused of travelling to the forbidden planet Omega 3, a crime punishable by 12 concurrent death sentences. Do you understand the charges?

Kif Kroker

One beep for yes, two beeps for no.

Zapp Brannigan

Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?

Zapp Brannigan

Double yes. Guilty.

Zapp Brannigan

We're under attack and the wedding's off. Kif, return fire AND the cake.

Kif

[panicking] All systems are disabled and you can't return an ice cream cake!!

Kif

Sir, there's an Omicronian ship requesting safe passage home.

Zapp

Home, eh? That's where I live! Let 'em through the blockade.

Zapp

But here we are, stealing an unlimited supply of birthday grade helium from the unsuspecting moon.

Kif

That's the sun.

Zapp

At night, it's the moon.

Kif

Behold, my family's traditional Yuletide feast - TurDolfin! It's fresh turtle cooked inside a fermented dolphin!

Wow, soon it's gonna be barf inside a vomit!

Amy

Dad! Sssh! Keep the truth to yourself!

Which part smells like whale butt?

Kif

Oh, that would be the gravy!

Kif

I'm through putting up with your... crap! I'm filing a formal complaint!

Zapp

It's pronounced compliment.