Stan quotes from Frisky Dingo

Then call Grace Ryan. Set up a late supper, just the two of us, because now that I've assumed Xander Crews' professional position, I think it's high time I assume the position with his lovely paramour.

What are "whammies"?

Hahaha! See! It's not Vice President of the United States and Canada!

It's time you learned how to run a business, and the first thing you're gonna do is fire the Xtacles.

Xander

But the Xtacles are the backbone of the Awesome-X fighting force.

They're also a $5 million annual drain on the company's bottom line.

Xander

Is that all you care about, the bottom line?

Yes.

Xander

Well, unless we all of a sudden lose $5 million somehow, I'm not firing my dogs... and I have to go ride in my limo.

Five million dollars?!

Xander

Well, I had to pay her off. I can't have some blabbity-mouth hooker running around with my secret identity! That's the first thing they teach you.

Nobody cares about your secret identity!

Xander

It's to protect my loved ones.

You don't have any loved ones!

Xander

[gasp] Stan!

What, who? That girlfriend you treat like dirt? Your murdered parents?

And you can say good-bye to the X-tacles.

Xander

Wh--What?

What what? You just spent their entire salary for the year.

Xander

See, I knew you were going to trick me into doing this!

Me?! You're the one who paid five million dollars for a blowjob!

Xander

I...it was a half-and-half, first of all; second of all...okay I'm going.

Xander

I don't care what "Boys from Brazil" thing you got going on in there, but I'm still the boss in here. And we're making Awesome-X dolls, and they're gonna kick so much ass, you'll probably go blind. And if you still have a problem with that, there's the big-ass door.

You're not going to sell doll one without a villain, you ninny--a Cobra to your G. I. Joe; a Stretch Monster to your Stretch Armstrong; a Decepticon to your Autobot!

250 years, this company's been in your family, and from slaves and smallpox blankets, to softcore porn and semiconductors, it's always made a profit; but with one fell idiotic swoop, you've ruined it. I'm just glad your murdered parents...

Xander

My murdered parents wanted me to be happy!

Xander

And this can make me happy, Stan: [crying a little] fiscal sales of Awesome-X dolls.

No one is going to buy a superhero doll without a villain to fight.

Xander

Then I'm kind of...at a loss, unless--[holds up Killface's postcard] what about this guy for the villain?

What? When did this get here?

Xander

Uhh... apparently, it's been here the whole time.

Xander

Gimme some glitter on here!

You can't fax glitter.

Xander

Well, not with that attitude.

Not with any attitude!

Well calm down. It's not prom night.

Yeah, cause I'm not... getting... raped.

Xander

Looking back, Operation Snooperfax was a little...convoluted. Convoluted.

Convoluted? Damn it, you just about used up all of our operating capital.

Xander

Do we still have enough to pay for Train Island?

Yes, your little choo-choos are safe.

Xander

Nice!

Only because I had to make some pretty deep cuts in...elsewhere.

Guess I'll call Jan and tell her we're not going to Orlando.

Orlando? Dude, this won't even cover my mortgage.

Now then, I've usurped Crews' company, usurped his alter ego, and...where are we on my date with Ms. Ryan?

Harumph.

Well, keep trying. If the situation keeps trending so positively, I...[starts stroking himself] Yes, the sap is definitely rising, and damned if anyone's going to destroy the Earth and spoil all my fun.

[as Awesome X through transmission] How did he even escape anyway?

We're...dealing with that internally, X.

Inte...I'll deal with you internally!

Yes, you'd better gasp collectively, because until you find Xander Crews, I'm gonna blow one of your heads off every hour. [1 X-tacle's head axplodes] Starting now

Oh my f-ing God...

Every hour? What are we going to do?

First of all, maybe we shouldn't have agreed to have remote-controlled explosives put in our necks.

Well where were you at contract time?

Your mom's house. [X-tacle #1 points gun at #3] Cleaning! Dude I was only cleaning.

[holstering gun] Yeah, that's what I thought.

[pointing his own gun] Her vagina!

Next Question - no that's it, we're done!

Coming Up, Friends, followed by -

[Sighs, switches channel]

Betrayal, Starring Jeremy Irons-

Mm. No. [switches channel]

Si Bueno i como Barnaby Jone-

No. [switches channel]

- Marathon, of this Old Barn-

-A Bee-

- Jones of Team Jaguar -

Barnaby Jones. Well, mark my words, as my newish HD TV goes, so goes-[cut to the Crews building]

Xander Crews

Xander frickin' Crews! Do you see the big ass sign out there? Does it say "Stan the big dumb fat jerk liar who tried to steal my company"? No! Building's not tall enough! Yuck, you know, I'm just glad my murdered parents aren't alive to see this, and frankly, we're not too stoked about seeing it either.

You son of a bitch.

Xander Crews

Are we, Old Spice?

Yes!

Xander Crews

He says no. Now do it until you get it right!

MASTER CYLINDER! MASTER CYLINDER!

Xander

I need somebody who gets me, and also somebody who's a fighter, Stan. Just a tenacious smashin' bastard.

Yep.

Xander

He may be a little older...

Mm-hmmm.

Xander

Maybe a little balder...

Well...

Xander

But he's still the only player in NFL history to get two safeties in a single game.

[pause] I'm sorry?

Xander

Yes, Stan--two-time Pro Bowler Fred Dryer!

You mean, TV's Hunter?

Xander

He was Hunter?!

Thank you for saving me.

Xander

Hey, don't get all Sophie's Choice, man. You know, think of all the sympathy cooz I'm gonna get. "Oh, where's your girlfriend," "Oh, she burned to death," "Oh, my god, put your penis in my vagina." I'll be killin' it, man.