Mr. Ford, via satellite. American voters--what do they want?
Really, all Americans want is cold beer, warm pussy, and someplace to take a shit with a door on it.
[Pause, everyone staring at the camera blankly]
Up next...
(interrupting) I mean you don't want the dog looking at you.
Ok...
Immigration--why not have a massive pedestrian overpass to Canada?
[TV shuts off]
Man, I was gonna do a pedestrian overpass to Canada. I was gonna call it the "Spicspan."
I need somebody who gets me, and also somebody who's a fighter, Stan. Just a tenacious smashin' bastard.
Yep.
He may be a little older...
Mm-hmmm.
Maybe a little balder...
Well...
But he's still the only player in NFL history to get two safeties in a single game.
[pause] I'm sorry?
Yes, Stan--two-time Pro Bowler Fred Dryer!
You mean, TV's Hunter?
He was Hunter?!
[Observing the campaign bus for the first time} Wendell, you've outdone yourself!
Well, now I know how Diego Rivera must have felt when he was banging Frida Kahlo. Tea bagging the unibrow.
If there's a few bucks left over, you know, go get something nice.
[24 hours earlier in a hotel]
[into phone] Yeah, hey I'd like a $9,000 prostitute, please. Oh, do you have nine $1,000 ones? Yeah, good, and if you got an albino, send her up too. In 20 minutes, I'm gonna be asleep, so get 'em up here. [Hangs up] Had, like, half a bottle of melatonin, six beers, this whole fucking bucket of chicken--the sandman is comin'.
Wendell, this is the greatest campaign in the history of the wo--
[Xander's low-flying campaign jet buzzes the bus, blowing out the windows]
Son of a WHORE!
Don't you have any sodding leads?
[holding panties] Just these, I guess the assassin must've dropped them.
[whispering, hidden in closet] Damn it!
Which... [inhaling deeply from panties] actually might just be a red herring.
You, Grace, do the roar.
What?
Roar like the "Team Jaguar" jaguar. [Grace roars quietly] Damn it, you're an apex predator. [Grace roars louder] Yeah! That's how she sounds when I'm bangin' her.
[Talking head]
I know, I just...can't stay mad at him. I'm gonna have his babies. [Holds up vial labelled "Xander Crews"]
Is that...?
Uh-huh.
Shouldn't that be in a freezer?
Sometimes I like to hold them.
We can't afford an airplane.
Well, maybe if you'd lay off the platinum-infused highballs.
You couldn't pour pee out of a boot if the directions were on the heel.
Woman, they had pricing tiers!
Oh, go tell it to your albino whores.
I...will not even dignify that with a response.
Yeah, please don't.
We can win this election.
How? Giving out free bus rides?
Well, who wants to ride in some crappy old bus with no windows? [Baby Lamont happily chirps] Oh, you just like trips.
[after Simon shoots down Xander's plane] Take that, you bum-snacking Republican!
Damn it, I thought we were going to campaign on the issues!
Oh, lighten up.
If you leave me to burn to death in this plane, we are just finished!
Well...we'll always have Vegas.
That wasn't me!
Well...okay.
[Xander, with Stan on his back, jumps out]
You bastard! God, still can't stay mad at him! [Jumps out after him]
Thank you for saving me.
Hey, don't get all Sophie's Choice, man. You know, think of all the sympathy cooz I'm gonna get. "Oh, where's your girlfriend," "Oh, she burned to death," "Oh, my god, put your penis in my vagina." I'll be killin' it, man.
[Suddenly Grace falls and manages to grab on to Xander, hanging on as they float down]
You are like a bad penny.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frisky Dingo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
