“Meet Awesome X” · Season 1
In this episode: Xander Crews (8), Stan (4), Grace (1)
It's time you learned how to run a business, and the first thing you're gonna do is fire the Xtacles.
But the Xtacles are the backbone of the Awesome-X fighting force.
They're also a $5 million annual drain on the company's bottom line.
Is that all you care about, the bottom line?
Yes.
Well, unless we all of a sudden lose $5 million somehow, I'm not firing my dogs... and I have to go ride in my limo.
[Grace Ryan is approaching the room where Xander is sleeping with a hooker.]
[opens door] What are you doing here?
[has put on the Awesome-X mask] Xan-uh, Billy- Xander Crews said I could use his place for this...
He-
...hooker.
You know him?
We went to college together - no we didn't - get out of here. He will meet you at your place in an hour.
Oh my God
I did not mean for her to see this
Xander Crews
Lets go back to the big black thing.
You're Awesome-X!
Five million dollars?!
Well, I had to pay her off. I can't have some blabbity-mouth hooker running around with my secret identity! That's the first thing they teach you.
Nobody cares about your secret identity!
It's to protect my loved ones.
You don't have any loved ones!
[gasp] Stan!
What, who? That girlfriend you treat like dirt? Your murdered parents?
[Quick shot of pictures of Xander's parents]
And you can say good-bye to the X-tacles.
Wh--What?
What what? You just spent their entire salary for the year.
See, I knew you were going to trick me into doing this!
Me?! You're the one who paid five million dollars for a blowjob!
I...it was a half-and-half, first of all; second of all...okay I'm going.
[Xander, as Awesome-X, has a conversation with the Xtacles.]
...but the Crew Company funds the entire Awesome X operation. So, you know, take it up with Xander Crews.
Let's kill that son of a bitch!
Yeah!
No, no, let's don't--he's a good guy. We don't kill good guys. We kill bad guys, come on. It's in our charter
So, what's up with our 401(k)?
[Xander just turns his head and groans]
What--that's my nest egg! We're still gonna have health insurance, right?
Oh my God! Health insurance, I need that.
[Xander just clears his throat]
What?!
Are we at least eligible for COBRA?
What, the little... the G. I. Joe dolls?
No, not the G. I. Joe dolls.
I don't care what "Boys from Brazil" thing you got going on in there, but I'm still the boss in here. And we're making Awesome-X dolls, and they're gonna kick so much ass, you'll probably go blind. And if you still have a problem with that, there's the big-ass door.
You're not going to sell doll one without a villain, you ninny--a Cobra to your G. I. Joe; a Stretch Monster to your Stretch Armstrong; a Decepticon to your Autobot!
Hey! Tone, of Voice
250 years, this company's been in your family, and from slaves and smallpox blankets, to softcore porn and semiconductors, it's always made a profit; but with one fell idiotic swoop, you've ruined it. I'm just glad your murdered parents...
My murdered parents wanted me to be happy!
[Quick shot of parents' pictures, with Awesome-X doll head]
And this can make me happy, Stan: [crying a little] fiscal sales of Awesome-X dolls.
No one is going to buy a superhero doll without a villain to fight.
Then I'm kind of...at a loss, unless--[holds up Killface's postcard] what about this guy for the villain?
What? When did this get here?
Uhh... apparently, it's been here the whole time.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frisky Dingo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
