As God is my witness, I will have my revenge on Xander Crews!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on. I'm just gonna do one question. From, uh...
GRGrace Ryan
Ooh! Ooh! Me! [Xander sighs] Please pick-
Darcel Jones! From Team Jaguar! How are you doing? You should call it Team Sexy!
[Bored, Killface watches his TV]
XCXander Crews (on TV)
Next Question - no that's it, we're done!
MTMale TV Voice
Coming Up, Friends, followed by -
[Sighs, switches channel]
FTFemale TV Voice
Betrayal, Starring Jeremy Irons-
Mm. No. [switches channel]
STSpanishMale TV Voice
Si Bueno i como Barnaby Jone-
No. [switches channel]
MTMale TV News Voice
- Marathon, of this Old Barn-
[switches channel]
FTFemale TV Documentary Voice
-A Bee-
[switches channel]
DJDarcell Jones
- Jones of Team Jaguar -
[Killface blasts his TV Screen]
Barnaby Jones. Well, mark my words, as my newish HD TV goes, so goes-[cut to the Crews building]
Xander frickin' Crews! Do you see the big ass sign out there? Does it say "Stan the big dumb fat jerk liar who tried to steal my company"? No! Building's not tall enough! Yuck, you know, I'm just glad my murdered parents aren't alive to see this, and frankly, we're not too stoked about seeing it either.
SStan
You son of a bitch.
Are we, Old Spice?
Yes!
He says no. Now do it until you get it right!
SStan
MASTER CYLINDER! MASTER CYLINDER!
[On the X-tacle orbiting station]
XTX-tacle #1
Okay gang, we've have a pretty bad year this year. We've lost a lot of guys. So how about a big X-tacle welcome for our new recruits, huh? {To general greetings and acknowledgements] On the right over there we've got Ron, Peter, Dick, Woody, New Fat Mike and uh...
[The camera pauses on Sinn - obviously the only woman present. Everything goes silent]
XTX-tacle #1
... and Hooper.
SSinn
[Perkily] Hi!
[General gasps of astonishment]
XTX-tacle #2
Yeah, what is up with that?
SSinn
[Adopting a deeper voice] I mean... what's up? ... Dudes?
XTX-tacle #3
Hey, uhm... is it weird that I kinda wanna fuck Hooper?
XTX-tacle #2
Not as weird as I kinda wanna fuck New Fat Mike.
Yeah, he gonna get it. Boosh.
[After Simon attempts to re-hang a portrait of his mother up]
So just leave Lady Mom on the floor as a painful remainder of everyone I clutch to my bosom in friendship, only to feel the icy pang of betrayal as they sink their serpent's teeth into my... y'know... my bosom!
[Phillip enters, wearing a tuxedo and carrying a basket of pickles]
[Cheerfully] Well, my ears are burnin'.
Wha... Phillip?!
Ta-daaa!
[Icy pause]
[Stand-offish] Eager to know why you're here.
...
Have you come to gloat?
That, and I think I might have left my Zune here. Have ya seen it?
I don't know.
No? It's a...
No, nothing here but a profound sense of betrayal.
... little Zune, it's got Mp3s on it...
Oh, and back knives.
Ah, it's no biggie, I'll just buy a new one. I'm a billionaire now, you know.
Yes, I can tell by the tuxedo.
Yep, that's what we wear. Y'know.
ZZ Top would be proud.
Chompa chompa.
And to what shall we drink? Simon will you be a lamb?
PPhil
Uh, that this isn't just a big glass of poison?
Phillip! That hurts me!
PPhil
It's just, I'd hate to beat cancer just to-
Oh, you beat cancer!
PPhil
Yeah, just to drink poison. Yep, cancer free!
Good for you.
PPhil
Also, twenty billionaire!
What?! You got full price for the Annihilatrix?!
PPhil
Chompa chompa.
[Phil takes a sip of his drink]
Yes, drink it in... and die!
PPhil
[Horrified] Ah! The... Tom Collins!
Ha, you mean a vitoxin Collins!
PPhil
Vitoxin?!
Yes! The anal blood gushing should start any moment! Should just... [It becomes clear nothing is happening] come... y'know, bursting... right out of your bottom.
PPhil
Ha ha, no, I knew you were gonna try that!
No? Nothing?
PPhil
I've been taking vitoxin for weeks!
[Outraged] Why, you formerly fat bastard!
PPhil
Yeah thats how i kinda lost the weight...
PPhil
Well, I'd better deposit this check. Thanks for the drink, enjoy the pickles, and if you find my Zune, just give me a c-
[Phil's head is blasted off]
Bugger me. (calls out) Hey Simon! Want to see something neat? Phil's head just exploded, like a ham!
[ontop a roof with a sniper rifle]
Why 's it always got to be my ass? There's a... there's a person in this ass.
[On learning that Stan has bought the Annihilatrix with his entire fortune]
You mean I'm not a billionaire anymore? How does this impact Train Island?!
[Answers cell phone] Hello?
[sighs over phone] What's up, Douchington?
No, no Douchington here- Hey, is that Xander Crews?
[About Xander Crews] Absolute monarch of all bumsnackers.
[To his son Simon] I hate to say it, but frankly, you're becoming something of a liability. You'll never get that hermit crab at this rate.
You got my money?
It's right here! You got my key?
Duh!
[Petulant] You don't have to be crappy.
[Arranging to swap the $20 billion check for the Annihilatrix key]
We threw 'em! We throw 'em on three!
No, I-I think it's windy for...
[Yelling quickly] One two three!
[Startled, Killface throws the check; it is caught by the wind before Xander (who didn't throw the key) can catch it]
[Beat]... what the fuck, dude?!
You said throw it!
Why?!... did I say that?!
'Cause you're an idiot! And a liar! You didn't even throw yours!
[Pause]
I was gonna keep them both!
You - Well, serves you right then!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frisky Dingo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.