Piping hot hell in a bloody hatbox!
“The Odd Couple” · Season 1
In this episode: Killface (5), Xander Crews (4), Stan (1), Nearl (1)
SStan
[as Awesome X through transmission] How did he even escape anyway?
XTX-tacle #1
We're...dealing with that internally, X.
SStan
Inte...I'll deal with you internally!
[The X-tacles gasp as Stan holds up a remote.]
SStan
Yes, you'd better gasp collectively, because until you find Xander Crews, I'm gonna blow one of your heads off every hour. [1 X-tacle's head axplodes] Starting now
[Transmission ends]
XTX-tacle #1
Oh my f-ing God...
XTX-tacle #2
Every hour? What are we going to do?
XTX-tacle #3
First of all, maybe we shouldn't have agreed to have remote-controlled explosives put in our necks.
XTX-tacle #1
Well where were you at contract time?
XTX-tacle #3
Your mom's house. [X-tacle #1 points gun at #3] Cleaning! Dude I was only cleaning.
XTX-tacle #1
[holstering gun] Yeah, that's what I thought.
XTX-tacle #3
[pointing his own gun] Her vagina!
XTX-tacle #2
Did Awesome X seem kind of weird to you guys?
XTX-tacle #1
Probably just the mustache.
XTX-tacle #2
Yeah, mustaches are cool.
XTX-tacle #1, #2, #3
Magnum, P.I.!
XTX-tacle #4
Rick Simon! [The other X-tacles turn and look at him.] Also had a mustache.
XTX-tacle #2
What's that supposed to be?
XTX-tacle #3
A little ashtray.
XTX-tacle #2
For who?
XTX-tacle #3
It's...it's for my mom.
XTX-tacle #2
Wh--Diane still smokes?
XTX-tacle #3
Yeah, right in the...you know... [points at neck] the little neckhole.
XTX-tacle #4
Dude!
XTX-tacle #3
Dude I know... It's My mom
You don't know how to do anything!
I know how not to let my son run off in robot pants with a fistful of knifes!
Yeah, you're a fantastic parent.
[Killface brakes the car to a screeching halt.]
You take that back.
[quietly] Sorry.
This is hopeless.
Look, don't worry man. At his age, I was like, chronic masturbater. Kinda, kinda still am. But the point is - I like it. I would like to masturbate right now in this car. You know? If I had my stuff with me. I would! What are we even talking about?
I'm talking about searching for Simon!
Oh.
XTX-tacle #3
[His GPS tracker has picked up the signal in the Robot pants] Guys, come on! He's right outside!
XTX-tacle #2
Wait, my paint's not dry.
XTX-tacle #3
I told you not to glob it on like that.
XTX-tacle #2
That's not Crews, that's Nearl, the local retarded wino guy.
XTX-tacle #3
Yeah...right now. [Taps on the the car window, which Nearl rolls down] Hey, Nearl!
I am Nearl!
XTX-tacle #3
You wanna make fifty bucks?
Okay!
Shortly after Killface has grazed Xander's eyes with a shotgun, leaving them both blind and lost in the middle of the city.
CSChinese Sweatshop Truck Driver
Hey, you blind guys! You want ride?
Oh, God, thank you. Yes, please.
[to Killface] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, Trusty Rusty. [to Truck Driver] Who even are you?
CSChinese Sweatshop Truck Driver
[hesitatingly] Uhh... The bus!
Okay. They are the bus.
[Xander and Killface proceed to board the sweatshop truck.]
This bus could use a stick-up.
[blind] Yeah, it smells like shattered dreams.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frisky Dingo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.