I can't believe it, she's asleep. I got her to go to sleep. I have actual magical powers!
I can hear traffic and birds. I can hear the voices in my head again!
S9 E2The One Where Emma Cries
S9 E3The One with the Pediatrician
I wonder why Ross said that he died?
Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.
He saw a therapist?
He used to have this recurring nightmare. It really freaked him out.
Wow, what was it?
That I was going to eat him.
[Searching her address book for someone to date Joey] Ooh, here's a good one: Sandy Poopach.
[Stifles a laugh]
I guess that rules out Lana Titweiller.
[Bursts out laughing] AH-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
S9 E4The One with the Sharks
[Phoebe opens the door]
Oh, it's you.
With vegetarian corndogs! Come on, I just want to talk to you.
Oh, about what? How few ova I have left?
And I ended up telling him that...
What?
You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.
What? Why?
Well, he seemed to... bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!
[Rachel's cell phone rings] Hello?
Hey, Rach, it's me. Okay, I just got to Chandler's room, and I caught him... molesting himself.
Ohh... that couldn't have been pretty. But you know? Guys do that.
Yeah? Uh, well, the weird part is... he was getting off... to a shark attack show!
[gasp] No!
Yes! Chandler watches shark porn!
Why don't you sit down... get yourself comfortable... because I have a little surprise for you.
Well, well, well. It must be five in Tulsa because it's "sex o'clock" in NYC!
Okay, this is how much I love you.
[Monica plays a shark documentary and rolls over Chandler's side, while Chandler gets a confused look]
Honey? Why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?
Oh, is, is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast-forward to something... toothier?
No, I'm just not sure that y-you got the right movie, that's all.
Oh. Well this is the only one they had at our video store. Oh, but they did have something called "Crocodile Killers"... or does it always have to be sharks?
Does what always have to be sharks?
Honey! We-- look, we could do something else. D-Do you want me to get into the tub and... thrash?
What's going on?
It's okay. It's okay, I still love you. Let me be a part of this.
Let me be a part of this!
S9 E5The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner
[Ross and Rachel are locked out of the apartment, with baby Emma inside.]
Oh, no! What if she jumps out the of the basinet!
Can't hold her own head up... but yeah, jumped.
Oh, my...! I left the water running!
Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please just...just pull yourself together okay?
Did I leave the stove on?
You haven't cooked since 1996!
Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and --
Oh, my, you know what, I think you're right! I think -- you know what? Listen, listen: a pigeon... no, no, wait, an eagle flew in, landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid! The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons! Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water! Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death-grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!
[beat] Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.
Pick up the sock, pick up the sock, PICK UP THE SOOOOOOOOOCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! [Her friends stare at her, scared] I'm sorry, was that rude? Di-di-did my little "outburst" blunt the HIDEOUSNESS that is this evening?!
I understand separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset he took off his clothes tucked his "willy" in between his legs and cried out "mommy I'm a girl take me with you".
Somehow it became easier to be apart from you.
S9 E6The One with the Male Nanny
Really? That scientist guy?
Really? Chandler?
Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap.
You got a male nanny? You got a manny?
Well, you're different funny. You're more sarcastic and well, he does fits and impressions and limericks.
I can do limericks. 'There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside!'
S9 E7The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song
[Ross is talking to Emma on the couch]
And that's why, no matter what Mommy says, we really were on a break! Yes we were, yes we were! [picks up the baby] Oh, you're the cutest little baby ever! You're just a little bitty baby, but you got big beautiful eyes, a big round belly, and a big baby butt! [sighs] I like big butts. [sings the first few lines of "Baby Got Back." Emma starts laughing.] Oh, my, you're laughing! You've never done that before! Daddy made you laugh! Well, Daddy and Sir Mix-A-Lot! You want to hear more? [sings another line and Emma laughs again] I'm a terrible father!
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