You can touch yourself in front of us, but you can't talk to Rachel.
What? When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?
Oh, please. Just before, when you were asleep in the lounge. That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV.
S9 E1The One Where No One Proposes
I didn't give her that ring!
You didn't?
No!
So whose ring is it?
It's mine!
Is it an engagement ring?
Yes.
But you didn't give it to her?
No!
But you were going to propose?
No!
Huh! I might be losing interest in this.
S9 E2The One Where Emma Cries
Mon, what am I gonna do? It's been hours and it won't stop crying.
"She," Rach. Not "it." She.
Yeah. I'm not so sure.
[Phoebe is reading a book on how to stop a baby from crying.]
We've tried feeding, drinking and diaper changing. Oh, here's something: "Go back in time and listen to Phoebe."
[Chandler is begging to Elaine to not make him go to Tulsa.]
Oh i love Tulsa, Tulsa is heaven,Tulsa is Italy, Please don't make me go there!
I can't believe it, she's asleep. I got her to go to sleep. I have actual magical powers!
I can hear traffic and birds. I can hear the voices in my head again!
S9 E3The One with the Pediatrician
I wonder why Ross said that he died?
Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.
He saw a therapist?
He used to have this recurring nightmare. It really freaked him out.
Wow, what was it?
That I was going to eat him.
[Searching her address book for someone to date Joey] Ooh, here's a good one: Sandy Poopach.
[Stifles a laugh]
I guess that rules out Lana Titweiller.
[Bursts out laughing] AH-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
S9 E4The One with the Sharks
[Phoebe opens the door]
Oh, it's you.
With vegetarian corndogs! Come on, I just want to talk to you.
Oh, about what? How few ova I have left?
And I ended up telling him that...
What?
You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.
What? Why?
Well, he seemed to... bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!
[Rachel's cell phone rings] Hello?
Hey, Rach, it's me. Okay, I just got to Chandler's room, and I caught him... molesting himself.
Ohh... that couldn't have been pretty. But you know? Guys do that.
Yeah? Uh, well, the weird part is... he was getting off... to a shark attack show!
[gasp] No!
Yes! Chandler watches shark porn!
Why don't you sit down... get yourself comfortable... because I have a little surprise for you.
Well, well, well. It must be five in Tulsa because it's "sex o'clock" in NYC!
Okay, this is how much I love you.
[Monica plays a shark documentary and rolls over Chandler's side, while Chandler gets a confused look]
Honey? Why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?
Oh, is, is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast-forward to something... toothier?
No, I'm just not sure that y-you got the right movie, that's all.
Oh. Well this is the only one they had at our video store. Oh, but they did have something called "Crocodile Killers"... or does it always have to be sharks?
Does what always have to be sharks?
Honey! We-- look, we could do something else. D-Do you want me to get into the tub and... thrash?
What's going on?
It's okay. It's okay, I still love you. Let me be a part of this.
Let me be a part of this!
S9 E5The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner
[Ross and Rachel are locked out of the apartment, with baby Emma inside.]
Oh, no! What if she jumps out the of the basinet!
Can't hold her own head up... but yeah, jumped.
Oh, my...! I left the water running!
Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please just...just pull yourself together okay?
Did I leave the stove on?
You haven't cooked since 1996!
Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and --
Oh, my, you know what, I think you're right! I think -- you know what? Listen, listen: a pigeon... no, no, wait, an eagle flew in, landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid! The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons! Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water! Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death-grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!
[beat] Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.
Pick up the sock, pick up the sock, PICK UP THE SOOOOOOOOOCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! [Her friends stare at her, scared] I'm sorry, was that rude? Di-di-did my little "outburst" blunt the HIDEOUSNESS that is this evening?!
I understand separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset he took off his clothes tucked his "willy" in between his legs and cried out "mommy I'm a girl take me with you".
Somehow it became easier to be apart from you.
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