Phoebe Buffay quotes from Friends

Rachel

How about: for a girl, Rain?

Ross

Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat."

Phoebe

I know her!

Rachel

How about James?

Ross

Oh, I like James.

Rachel

...for a girl.

Ross

Veto!

Phoebe

Is it me...? Or its just that Veto is starting to sound really good...

Phoebe

Oh, hey Rach.

Rachel

Hi.

Phoebe

Hey, happy valentine's Day.

Rachel

Oh, you, too.

Joey

Hey, so ah how's it going living over at Ross's?

Rachel

It's good, except he makes us watch The Discovery Channel [slightly annoyed tone] all day long.

Rachel

Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the middle ages?

Parker

To quote Ross, "I better be going!"

Phoebe

Don't let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on the way out!

Phoebe

Well, if you're gonna get to know him then you'd better do it now.

Joey

Why?

Phoebe

Because I'm gonna kill him.

Joey

What? Why?

Phoebe

You guys were right, Parker's too excited about everything. I mean I'm all for living, but come on, this is the Geller's 35th wedding anniversary, let's call a spade a spade, this party stinks!

Joey

I know, I'm having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, then when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger!

Phoebe

Really? Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?

Joey

I dunno, I guess it could've been. I didn't really look at it. I just wiped it on Chandler's coat and got the hell outta there.

Parker

Is something wrong?

Phoebe

Wrong? Really, you know the word wrong? Everything isn't perfect? Everything isn't magical and aglow with the light of a million fairies? They were just brake lights, Parker!

Parker

Well, excuse me for trying to put a positive spin on a traffic jam!

Parker

I'm a positive person!

Phoebe

No. I'm a positive person. You are like Santa Claus...on Prozac...in Disneyland...getting laid!

Phoebe

Ross, why are you all hot and sweaty?

Ross

I just Bamboozled Chandler!

Ross

Which isn't a sexual thing.

Rachel

What's the final head count on my baby shower?

Phoebe

About twenty. A couple of people from work had something else to do.

Monica

Also, both of your sisters called, and neither can make it.

Rachel

What? You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking!

Phoebe

Well, the interview...

Chandler

What about it?

Phoebe

Y'know! You don't make a very good first impression.

Chandler

[shocked] What?!

Phoebe

Oh you don't know.

Chandler

Are you serious?!

Phoebe

Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh!

Chandler

What is it that I do?

Phoebe

Well it's just like you're trying too hard. Always making jokes, y'know, you just--You come off a little needy.

Chandler

[To Rachel] Did you like me when we first met?

Rachel

Chandler, I'm not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you. [Gets up and hurries out]

Wow. I usually get to know a girl better before I let her spoon me.

Phoebe

Relax, it's not like we're forking.

Phoebe

You can touch yourself in front of us, but you can't talk to Rachel.

Ross

What? When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?

Phoebe

Oh, please. Just before, when you were asleep in the lounge. That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV.

Ross

I didn't give her that ring!

Phoebe

You didn't?

Ross

No!

Phoebe

So whose ring is it?

Ross

It's mine!

Phoebe

Is it an engagement ring?

Ross

Yes.

Phoebe

But you didn't give it to her?

Ross

No!

Phoebe

But you were going to propose?

Ross

No!

Phoebe

Huh! I might be losing interest in this.

Monica

I can't believe it, she's asleep. I got her to go to sleep. I have actual magical powers!

Phoebe

I can hear traffic and birds. I can hear the voices in my head again!

Phoebe

[Searching her address book for someone to date Joey] Ooh, here's a good one: Sandy Poopach.

Joey

[Stifles a laugh]

Phoebe

I guess that rules out Lana Titweiller.

Joey

[Bursts out laughing] AH-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!