Joey Tribbiani quotes from Friends

I just found a selfless good deed; I went to the park and let a bee sting me.

Joey

How is that a good deed?

Because now the bee gets to look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am not.

Joey

Now you know the bee probably died when he stung you?

Dammit!

S5 E4 The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS

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Joey

That hotel you stayed at called. They said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.

Chandler [nervous]: Yes, that was mine.

Joey

I figured you hooked up with some girl and she left it.

That would have made more sense.

Joey

I don't even feel like I know you any more. All right, I'm just going to ask you this one time. Whatever you say, I'll believe you. Were you or were you not on a gay cruise?

S5 E5 The One with the Kips

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It happened in London.

Joey

IN LONDON??!!!

S5 E5 The One with the Kips

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[Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are all trapped in Monica's room. Chandler has his ear pressed to the door.]

Can you hear anything?

Oh, yeah, someone just said, "Can you hear anything?"

[Joey is searching for something under Monica's bed. Monica turns around and sees Joey's butt sticking out from the top of her bed.]

Hey, Joey's ass. What are you doing?

Joey

[About Ross and Rachel] Well, remember when they had that big fight and broke up, and we got stuck in here with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said "Rachel" at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, you know? So I hid this in here.

[Places a small box on the bed filled with candy bars and other things.]

Ooh! Candy bars, crossword puzzles...

Ooh, Mad Libs! MINE!

[Chandler finds a few condoms in the box.]

Condoms?

Joey

Hey, you don't know how long we're gonna be in here. We may have to repopulate the Earth!

And condoms are the way to do that?

S5 E5 The One with the Kips

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We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!

It was, like, this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something!

And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!

Rachel Yeah, I -- I -- I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass!

Joey

Uhh, like, dark hair, bushy beard?

Yeah!

Joey

Yeah, you fogged Danny.

Please! We did not fog Danny!... Who's Danny?

S5 E6 The One with the Yeti

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You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for.

Joey

Oh. I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having.

EEverybody

YEAH.

Joey

I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs.

S5 E8 The One with All the Thanksgivings

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Someone at work ate my sandwich!

Well, what did the police say?

My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich! I can't believe someone ate it!

It's just a sandwich!

Just a sandwich? I'm 30 years old, I'm going to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! SOMEONE ATE THE ONLY GOOD THING GOING ON IN MY LIFE! [pauses]

I have enough stuff for one more sandwich. I was going to eat it myself, but...

That would be incredible! Thank you so much! I still can't believe someone ate it!! I left a note!

[reading the note] "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "Ross Geller's lunch." "'Ross Geller's lunch' who?" "Ross Geller's lunch; please don't take me, ok?"

Joey

I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch!

You want to hold on to your food, you have to scare people off. I learned that living on the street.

Really? So what would you say? 'Keep your mitts off my grub'?

Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?

[writing a note] This will keep them away from your stuff!

[Everyone sees the note and gasps]

Phoebe, you are a bad-ass!

Someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed a cop!

Phoebe!

HE STABBED ME FIRST!!

S5 E9 The One with Ross's Sandwich

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[Phoebe is giving Joey guitar lessons.]

You're questioning my methods.

Joey

I'm not questioning it, Phoebe, I'm saying it's stupid.

S5 E11 The One with All the Resolutions

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Joey

Look, it's not that big a deal. So Monica and Chandler are doing it.

I cannot believe you would say that!

Joey

Sorry. Monica and Chandler are "making love."

S5 E12 The One with Chandler's Work Laugh

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Janice and I have a lot in common. We've both been divorced, we both have kids...

So you're gonna see her again?

Joey

Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head!

I am gonna see her again.

Joey

Dammit, Phoebe!

S5 E12 The One with Chandler's Work Laugh

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[Outfitting him for a role, Rachel encourages Joey to carry a unisex leather bag.]

Joey

But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man!

Exactly! Unisex!

Joey

Tch! Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.

No, no, Joey! U-N-I-sex.

Joey

Well! Ain't gonna say "no" to that!

S5 E13 The One with Joey's Bag

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Joey

Hey Ross, will you pass me that knife?

No, I will not!

Joey

Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it.

You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me? [They all laugh].

Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week.

S5 E15 The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey

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[sniffs] This sandwich does smell good...

Joey

Did I tell you to smell my sandwich?

I can't smell your sandwich?

Joey

No! Half of the taste is in the smell! You're sucking up all the taste units!

Okay, I'll give them back [exhales].

S5 E20 The One with the Ride-Along

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Joey

So is Staten Island really an island?

Hence the name: Staten Island.

Joey

Oh, I thought it was like Long Island.

Also an island!

S5 E21 The One with the Ball

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[Ross and Joey talk during a game of catch.]