Ross Geller quotes from Friends

Judy Geller

[pressuring Ross to marry Rachel] This isn't just some girl you picked up in a bar and... humped. A child should have a family.

Ross

Mom, you know what? I can't deal with this right now. I'm sorry...

Judy

Just think about it. If you don't, I'll talk more about humping.

Monica

I can't believe this is taking so long. How're you doing?

Rachel

Not bad. You know that feeling where you try to blow a St. Bernard out your ass?

Ross

And soon someone will call her "Mom."

Ross

Let's go - one more time - one final push. Ready? 1... 2... 3!

Ross

Keep pushing!

Rachel

Are you okay?

Ross

[Slowly getting up] You have no idea how much this hurts!

Ross

Keep going! Keep going!

Phoebe

You can touch yourself in front of us, but you can't talk to Rachel.

Ross

What? When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?

Phoebe

Oh, please. Just before, when you were asleep in the lounge. That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV.

Ross

I didn't give her that ring!

Phoebe

You didn't?

Ross

No!

Phoebe

So whose ring is it?

Ross

It's mine!

Phoebe

Is it an engagement ring?

Ross

Yes.

Phoebe

But you didn't give it to her?

Ross

No!

Phoebe

But you were going to propose?

Ross

No!

Phoebe

Huh! I might be losing interest in this.

Phoebe

Oh, it's you.

Ross

With vegetarian corndogs! Come on, I just want to talk to you.

Phoebe

Oh, about what? How few ova I have left?

Ross

And I ended up telling him that...

Phoebe

What?

Ross

You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.

Phoebe

What? Why?

Ross

Well, he seemed to... bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.

Phoebe

If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!

Rachel

Oh, no! What if she jumps out the of the basinet!

Ross

Can't hold her own head up... but yeah, jumped.

Rachel

Oh, my...! I left the water running!

Ross

Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please just...just pull yourself together okay?

Rachel

Did I leave the stove on?

Ross

You haven't cooked since 1996!

Rachel

Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and --

Ross

Oh, my, you know what, I think you're right! I think -- you know what? Listen, listen: a pigeon... no, no, wait, an eagle flew in, landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid! The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons! Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water! Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death-grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!

Rachel

[beat] Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

Judy Geller

I understand separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset he took off his clothes tucked his "willy" in between his legs and cried out "mommy I'm a girl take me with you".

Ross

Somehow it became easier to be apart from you.

Ross

Guess what? Emma laughed today!

Rachel

What? And I missed it 'cause I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie? What'd you do to get her to laugh?

Ross

Well, I sang... I rapped... 'Baby Got Back'.

Rachel

What? You sang to our baby daughter a song about a man who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?

Ross

Well... if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy body image, because even women with big bottoms, or juicy doubles, can... [Sees how angry Rachel is] Please don't take her away from me.

Ross

You sang "Baby Got Back," didn't you?

Rachel

Nothing else works, this girl is all about the ass!

Amy

I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of "Emily".

Ross

Emma.

Amy

[to Phoebe] Emma, Ross wants you.

Phoebe

PHOEBE!

Amy

[whispers to Ross] Why does she keep making that noise?

Amy

You know, this is classic Rachel!

Rachel

Yeah, right! Remember in high school, when I died and didn't give you my baby?

Amy

This might be my one chance to have a child. You know that I've been busy focusing on my career.

Rachel

What career?

Amy

I'm a decorator!

Rachel

You decorate Dad's office and you're a decorator! Okay, I went to the zoo yesterday. Now I'm a koala bear!

Amy

Why can't you be supportive?

Rachel

You want to talk supportive? You didn't come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby!

Amy

You didn't come and see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done!

Rachel

I did the first time! And do you want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you?

Ross

It's Emma.

Rachel

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?! [to Amy] I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle the responsibility of a child!

Amy

How hard could it be? You do it! [Joey laughs but stops when everyone stares at him.] You want to know why you don't want me to have the baby? Because you don't want me to be happy! You have always been jealous of me!

Rachel

Of what? Your lack of responsibility? Your immaturity? Your total disregard for other peoples' feelings?

Amy

To name a few!

Chandler

All right, that's it!! This is our apartment and you can't behave this way! If you can't act your age, you shouldn't be here at all! Those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones that I picked out, but they're important to Monica! And I want you to apologize to her right now!

Amy

I'm sorry.

Rachel

I'm so sorry!

Chandler

That's better! Now I want you to apologize to each other, and mean it!

Chandler

By the way, that fight was totally arousing!

Ross

[to Chandler] Well done! If I die, Rachel dies and Monica dies, you can totally take care of Emma!

Chandler

Really? Thanks!

Ross

So... now do I get Joey?

Chandler

Okay. But you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose!

Who is it?

Amy

It's your favorite sister!

Jill?

Amy

Amy!

Rachel

Hide my rings!