Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Joey

Some girl ate Monica!

Monica

Shut up! The camera adds ten pounds!

Chandler

Oh. So how many cameras are actually on you?

Chandler

He could've gotten me a hat or a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me THE WOMEN REPELLER! The eyesore from the LIBERACE HOUSE OF CRAP!

Phoebe

It's not that bad.

Chandler

Easy for you to say; you don't have to go around wearing a REJECT from the MR. T COLLECTION! [Imitating Mr. T] "I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry! I do, I do!"

Joey

[about the bracelet he gave Chandler] You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?

Chandler

Well, it'll probably slow it down at first, but once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.

Chandler

I'll just turn your bedroom into a game room or something. You know, put the foosball table in there.

Joey

Whoa. Why do you get to keep the table?

Chandler

I did pay for half of it.

Joey

Yeah, and I paid for the other half.

Chandler

All right, I'll tell you what: I'll play you for it.

Joey

All right, you're on. I could take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass!

Chandler

Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister!

Joey

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Which sister?

Phoebe

You are not gonna believe this: I have just been discovered!

Chandler

Now, wait a minute. I claimed you in the name of France four years ago!

Eddie

So who broke up with who?

Chandler

I broke up with her. She actually thought Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia!

Eddie

Yeah! 'Cause everybody knows that the capital of Cambodia...

Chandler

... is not Sean Penn!

I'm Tilly. [Chandler freezes]

Chandler

[Chandler freezes] Oh.

I can tell by that 'oh' Eddie's spoken of me.

Chandler

Yeah, your name came up... in a conversation that terrified me to my very soul.

Eddie

Well, that's kinda outta the blue.

Chandler

[Angry] THIS IS NOT OUT OF THE BLUE! THIS IS SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BLUE!

Chandler

Why must everybody watch me sleep? There will be no more watching me sleep!

Monica

I was-

Chandler

Nah! No more.

Monica

Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.

Chandler

Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

Chandler

Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, "I want you, Dennis," and stuck her tongue down my throat. I love this party.

Joey

Quick volleyball question.

Chandler

Volleyball?

Joey

Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?

Chandler

Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat. I'm not even listening to you.

Monica

Joey, they're not real.

Joey

...Uh, what?

Monica

Mine start miles beneath the surface. See. [squeezes one twice, it goes "HONK, HONK"]

Chandler

Wow, it's like porno for clowns.

Joey

These people are stupid. It's Count Rushmore!

Chandler

You know, you should really go on this show!

Joey

Look, what do you want me to say?

Chandler

I want you to say that you like her!

Joey

I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna... pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.

Chandler

Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way, there is no "Count Rushmore"!

Joey

Oh, yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?

Chandler

That is so-not-the-opposite of taking someone's UNDERWEAR!

Joey

Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes?!