Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is: You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.

Chandler

Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!

Look at me - I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando!

Chandler

Ugh UGH!

Phew! I tell you, it's hot with all this stuff on. I better not do any - you know - lunges!

S3 E2 The One Where No One's Ready

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Monica [gives Joey a jar of jam]: Joey, this is for you. It's blackberry currant.

Aww. [tastes it] OHHHH!

Chandler

Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked [holds up one hand], or, or a big tub of jam. [holds up the other hand]

[nods] Put your hands together!

S3 E3 The One with the Jam

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What happened to your jam plan?

I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now... Babies.

Chandler

Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about me having a baby.

What?

Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.

Well, aren't you forgettin' something? What, what, what is, uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!

S3 E3 The One with the Jam

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Jump off the high dive, stare into the barrel of a gun, pee into the wind!

Chandler

Joey, I assure you, if I were staring into the barrel of a gun, I would be pretty much peeing every which-way.

S3 E4 The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel

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[Chandler enters the apartment to find Joey working with wood and the apartment filled with lumber.]

Chandler

Hey.

Hey.

Chandler

Hey, hey, hey... so what happened -- did a forest tick you off?

You know how you're always saying we need a place for the mail?

Chandler

Yeah?

Well, I decided to take it to the next step.

Chandler

You're building a post office?

S3 E5 The One with Frank Jr.

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[While Chandler naps against the wall in his room, Joey is drilling though the wall. As he drills, the drill bit comes though the wall right next to Chandler, who slams the door at Joey.]

Oh! Uh, sorry, did I get ya?

Chandler

NO, YOU DIDN'T GET ME!! IT'S AN ELECTRIC DRILL! YOU GET ME, YOU KILL ME!

S3 E5 The One with Frank Jr.

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[reading his list of 5 celebrities he's allowed to sleep with] Elizabeth Hurley.

Chandler

Very attractive, forgiving.

Susan Sarandon.

Chandler

She's too political, to do it with her, you'd probably have to donate four cans of food first

Isabella Rosellini.

Chandler

She's too international.

So?

Chandler

So you gotta pick the odds, pick someone who will be in the country all the time.

Yeah, because that's why you weren't gonna get Isabella Rosellini, geography.

S3 E5 The One with Frank Jr.

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Chandler

I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.

Phoebe

Why, nobody good?

Chandler

Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. "Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing, Bing! Great apartment, Chandler Bing, BING!"

So how many more do you have tomorrow?

Chandler

Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone "Chandler Bing," he said "Whoa, short message."

S3 E6 The One with the Flashback

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[The gang decides to play touch football.]

All right! We have to pick captains.

Chandler

And then Tennilles.

S3 E9 The One with the Football

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Chandler

Hold on a second, Joe. Where do Dutch people come from?

Ah, well, the, uh, Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.

Chandler

And the, uh, other Dutch people? They come from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?

Nice try! See, the Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

S3 E9 The One with the Football

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Okay everyone, this is my last cup of coffee.

[Hangs over a couple of spots on the couch, gives it to Chandler, goes off]

Chandler

[As soon as he's sure she's out of earshot] Think I ought to tell her I ordered tea?

S3 E10 The One Where Rachel Quits

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[Ross is selling girl scout cookies]

Chandler

So, how many boxes did you sell?

517.

Chandler

Wow.

Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium, and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's when I realized what sells a lot of these- munchies. After that, I started hitting NYU dorms around midnight. They call me "Cookie Duuuude".

S3 E10 The One Where Rachel Quits

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[After Chandler fools around with one of Joey's sisters.]

Phoebe

How can you not know which one?

I mean, that's unbelievable.

MMonice

I mean, was it Gina?

Which one is Gina?

Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.

No, no, no, that's Dina.

Chandler

You see, you can't tell which one is which either!

S3 E11 The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister

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Chandler

Veronica. Look, it's got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.

That was me.

S3 E11 The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister

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Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical.

Chandler

I want to say you, but that seems like such an easy answer.

It is me! It's a musical version of "Tale of Two Cities." So I think I'm gonna sing "New York, New York", and uh, oh, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco."

Ah, Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.

What?

Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.

Who?

Chandler

I'll get you the Cliff Notes.