Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Rachel

[To Chandler] You're not gonna end up alone.

Phoebe

Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!

Monica

You made it!

Phoebe

You're there!

Rachel

You are ready to make a commitment!

Chandler

Whoa! Don't know about that.

Phoebe

I wasn't in love with him, and I was just helping out a friend.

Monica

Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month! AND I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

Monica

Well? Didn't you?

Phoebe

I might've...

Monica

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Phoebe

Oh, come on, like you tell me everything?

Monica

What have I not told you?

Phoebe

[smiling] Oh, I dunno, um, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace!

Monica

WHAT?! Wait a minute! Who told you?!

Monica

You are dead meat.

Chandler

I didn't know it was a big secret.

Monica

[smiles] Oh, it's not big. Not at all. Kinda on the same lines as, say, I don't know, having a THIRD NIPPLE!

Phoebe

You have a third nipple?

Chandler

[to Monica] You bitch.

Ross

Whip it out, whip it out!

Chandler

Come on, there's nothing to see! It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless!

Rachel

Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

Joey

I can't believe you- you told me it was a nubbin!

Ross

Joey, what'd you think a nubbin was?

Joey

I dunno, you see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.

Lemme see it! Show us! I wanna see!

Chandler

JOEY WAS IN A PORNO MOVIE!

Chandler

If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.

So is there, like, a story, or do they just start doing it right... oh, never mind.

Chandler

Okay, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

Monica

All I say is, she better get the job.

Ross

Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

Ross

Why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?

Chandler

Oh. See, I had to tell her that your number was my number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number, because she thinks that my number is Bob's number!

Ross

Hey, tell me again what I do when Mr. Roper calls?

Phoebe

I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.

Rachel

Me neither.

Joey

Me, too.

Monica

Guys, we bought the tickets.

Phoebe

Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.

Chandler

Why did you look at me when you said that?

Joey

It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there.

Hello.

Hello.

And who is this little cutie-pie?

Chandler

Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?

Joey

You wanna smell him?

I assume we're talking about the baby now.

Joey

Let's do ducks for heads, cause ducks have heads

Chandler

[After a pause] What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

Monica

Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. You wanna work out? I can remake you.

Chandler

Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying-around time.

Chandler

All right, check out this bad boy. Twelve megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS.

Phoebe

Wow. What are you gonna use it for?

Chandler

Games and stuff.

Chandler

I remember my father dressed in the red suit, the big black boots and the patent leather belt, sneaking around downstairs. He didn't want anybody see him, but he'd be drunk, so he'd stumble, crash into something, and wake everybody up.

Rachel

Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.

Chandler

Who said anything about Christmas?

Phoebe

A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.

Chandler

Were those funny brownies?

Phoebe

Not especially, but you know what, I think they had pot in them.

Joey

My agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!

Phoebe

Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.

Chandler

Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.

Joey

It just seems so futile. You know? All these women, and nothin'! I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.

Chandler

Now you understand how I feel every single day. The world is my lesbian wedding.

Ross

This is so exciting. I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year!

Chandler

What, you never look down in the shower? [everyone looks at him] What, I can't make one reference to the classic "monkey-as-penis" joke?

Excuse me. Is your name Chandler?

Chandler

Uh, yes, yes it is.

Chandler Bing?

Chandler

Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?