Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Rachel

[After giving a very long kiss to Ross] Well, that'll be a kiss he won't forget for a few hours.

Chandler

Yeah. Or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.

Rachel

[Pauses to think, then runs after Ross] Wait! Ross- I'm jealous! I'm jealous!

Rachel

[upset because Joey's just ruined the end of The Shining for her, she ruins Little Women for him] All right... Okay. Laurie proposes to Jo and she says no even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying Amy.

Joey

Hey! Mine was by accident! All right. The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.

Rachel

Beth dies.

Joey

[completely horrified] Beth... Beth dies? [to Chandler] If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?

Chandler

No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die, does she, Rachel?

Rachel

What?

Ross

Joey is asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.

Chandler

Well, hello!

Joey

Where've you been?

Chandler

The doctor.

Ross

Is everything okay?

Chandler

Oh, yes. Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep. Two nipples, no waiting.

Monica

Wow. Just like Rachel in high school.

Rachel

What?

Monica

Come on, I was kidding. It was such an obvious joke.

Chandler

That was an obvious joke. And I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? [Points at his chest] The source of all my powers. Oh, dear, what have I done?

Chandler

I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner.

Ross

Yeah, there's been a little change of plans. We're breaking up instead.

Joey

Do you think I need a new walk?

Chandler

What?

Joey

Well, I've been walking the same way since high school. You know how some people walk in a room and everybody takes notice? I think I need a "take-notice" walk!

Chandler

Are you actually saying these words?

Phoebe

Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica

Chandler!

Joey

You're smoking again?

Chandler

Well, actually yesterday I was smoking again, today I'm smoking still.

Chandler

What's that?

Joey

It's "help" spelled backward so the helicopters in sky'll read it right.

Phoebe

Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica

Chandler!

Chandler

[realizes he's smoking] Oh my God!

Joey

You're smoking again?

Chandler

Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I'm smoking still.

Phoebe

Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?

Chandler

Look, I'm telling you, this is just like my parents' divorce, which is when I first started smoking in the first place.

Monica

Weren't you 9?

Chandler

[with the cigarette sticking out of his mouth] Yeah. I'm telling you something, that first smoke after naptime.

Chandler

Oh, that's great. With my luck, that's gonna be him.

Phoebe

Him? Him, Ross?

Chandler

No, "Hymn" 253: "His eyes are on the Sparrow." When my parents got divorced, I started using humor as a defense mechanism.

Rachel

Hi. Uh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because my sister's on hold and she said that we can have her cabin for the weekend, and go skiing. Huh? I'm asking you first, right? I mean, I'm playing by the rules.

Monica

Absolutely.

Phoebe

Yeah.

Joey

Yeah.

Rachel

Chandler! You're smoking? What are you doing?

Chandler

Hey, shut up! You're not my real mom.

Monica

Don't you think he's a little young to get married?

Phoebe

What? He's 18.

Ross

Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.

Joey

Yeah, or -- or to get a hooker.

Chandler

Always illegal, Joe.

Phoebe

Alright, forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather and then bathe in the sweat of six healthy young men.

Chandler

Or what my father calls "Thursday night"

Ross

[spying on Rachel and Mark through the peephole in Chandler and Joey's door] Here they come, here they come. If she kisses him goodnight, I'm gonna kill myself, I swear. I can't watch this. Come on! Date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go. She's going in. She's going in... Wait! He's going in! He's going in! The door's closed! I can't see anything with the door closed!

Chandler

And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

Joey

Just because she went to Yale drama she thinks she's like, the greatest actress since, since...sliced bread!

Chandler

Ahh, sliced bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.

Chandler

You're telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn't want you back?

Joey

Yeah! [thinks a bit] Oh my God. Is this what it's like to be you?

Phoebe

You guys, do you know anything about chicks?

Chandler

Fowl? No. Women?... No.

[petting a chick in his hand] Mr. Fuzzy Man, how you doin'? Aww... [The chick poos in his hand.] Ew! Oh, ew! Gross! IDIOT! STUPID LITTLE FUZZY YELLOW CREATURE! Ooh, look at me, I'm so cute, I'm a little chick who's DISGUSTING! You're so stupid, how are you not yet extinct?

Quack quack, quack quack! What are you quacking about? DUMB DONALD DODO!

Chandler

Step away from the duck.