Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Monica

I gotta go water Pete's plants. You know what? If he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.

Chandler

Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants, if you know what I mean.

Joey

Or -- ha, ha! -- we could go over there and pee on them!

Chandler

[looking at a picture] Me and Frank and Phoebe, graduation, 1965.

Phoebe

You know what that means?

Joey

That you're actually 50?

Phoebe

No, no that's not me Phoebe, that's her pal, Phoebe according to their High School yearbook, they were like BFF.

Phoebe

Best friends forever.

Oh.

Ross

She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went went wrong in our relationship! She goes on for five pages about how I was "unfaithful" to her! WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Chandler

If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!

Ross

Fine! But this breakup was not all my fault. And at then she goes, "If you accept full responsibility-full responsibility-I can begin to trust you again. Does that sound like something you can do? Does it?

Joey

No...

Chandler

Look, you have what you want, you're back with Rachel! If you bring this up, you'll wreck the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Ross

You're right... Okay, I'll let it go. But you realize how hard it is to forget about it!

Joey

Sure it's hard! But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that beach trip that we should [turns to Chandler] never EVER talk about!

Ross

What the hell happened on that beach?!

Joey

It's between us and the sea, Ross!

Ross

And for the record, it took two people to break this relationship!

Rachel

Yeah! You and that girl from the copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!

Ross

I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for! I didn't finish the letter!

Rachel

What?

Ross

I fell asleep!

Rachel

You fell a-SLEEP?!

Ross

It was five-thirty in the morning! And you had rambled on for eighteen pages! Front and back! [leaves the room, then turns around] And by the way, y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e is "you are". Y-o-u-r is "your"!

Rachel

I can't believe I even thought of getting back together with you! We are soooo over!

Ross

[fakes beginning of sniveling and interrupts it saying...] FINE BY ME!

Rachel

And those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're home on Saturday nights playing scrabble with Monica!

Monica

Hey!

Rachel

Sorry! But I feel bad about all that sleep you'll miss wishing you were with me!

Ross

Oh, no, don't worry about me "falling asleep." I still have your letter! [walks out]

Rachel

And, hey, just so you know -- it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal! [slams door, revealing Chandler behind it]

Chandler

I knew it!

Joey

Monica got stung by a jellyfish.

Monica

Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.

Chandler

We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.

Monica

I was in too much pain.

Joey

And I was tired from digging a huge hole!

Chandler

And then Joey remembered something...

Joey

I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel.

Ross

Wait a minute, I saw that, on The Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?

Eww!

Monica

You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't...bend that way. So...

[turning to the guys] Eww!

Joey

Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.

Chandler

[moans] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.

Joey

[chuckles] That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.

Rachel

Maybe there's someone you can talk to.

Monica

Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.

Joey

[reffering to the guy that just robbed them] You know what I'm going to do next time I see that guy?

Chandler

Bend over?!

Monica

What happened?

Chandler

Well, let's see, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed.

Chandler

Wow,that ripped.

Chandler

That ripped real nice.

Joey

Who many times do I have to tell you; you turn and slide? You know? Turn and slide.

Chandler

But you don't turn and slide, you throw it out! I'm tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed.

Joey

Well, we're not throwing it out. I built this thing with my own hands.

Chandler

Alright how 'bout we. How 'bout we sell it?

Chandler

[Comes home to find all their possessions gone] OH MY GOD!

Joey

[Yelling from inside the entertainment center] WHAT?

Chandler

[letting Joey out] Are you alright?

Joey

Aw man, he said he wouldn't take the chairs!

Chandler

What the hell happened? How were you locked in and where the hell is all of our stuff?!

Joey

This guy came by to look at the unit and he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man.

Chandler

So you got in there voluntarily?

Joey

I was trying to make a sale. Oh man if I ever see that guy again, you know what I'm gonna do?

Chandler

[shouting] Bend over?

What are you doing?

Chandler

I'm getting dressed.

Why?

Chandler

When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.

Hey, Duck. Is Chick home?

Chandler

Uhh...

Joey

I'm comin.'

Okay. [to Chandler] Thanks, man.

Chandler

No problem... bunny... rabbit.

Joey

What the hell was that?

Chandler

What?

Joey

Kathy was being nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal.

Chandler

What do you want from me?

Joey

I want you to like her! But if that's too damn difficult for you, then the least you could do is pretend!

Chandler

I AM pretending.

Joey

Well, then do it better.

Chandler

Okay, uh, what do you say I go over there and tell her how much I like her? [Joey gives Chandler a thumbs-up.] No, no, it'll be good. I can tell her how much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment we met. That I'm so fantastically over-the-top want-to-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!

Joey

Well, that's pretty good, but you wanna tone it down a little.

Chandler

Look, I just think it's time for you to settle down, you know? Make a choice, pick a lane!

Joey

Who's Elaine?

Joey

And what? Did you sleep with her?

Chandler

No! No, I just kissed her.

Joey

What?! That's even worse!

Chandler

...How is that worse?!

Joey

I don't know, but it's the same!

Chandler

Look, Joey, I'm sorry, but I couldn't help myself. I think I'm in love with her.

Joey

Who cares?! You went behind my back? I would never do that to you!

Chandler

You're right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.

Joey

Over the line? You -- you're -- you're so far past the line, that you -- you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

Chandler

[entering] Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party?

Ross

I don’t know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there’s this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was planning to watch.

Chandler

No-no, I don’t think you heard me. Are you ready to party?!

Ross

Nooo!! Gandalf?! Gandalf is coming to town?

Chandler

Kathy’s with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandalf dude!

Ross

Dude, we are sooo gonna party!

Phoebe

Wow! Okay, dude alert! And who is this guy?

Ross

Mike "Gandalf" Ganderson, only like the funnest guy in the world.

Chandler

I’m gonna call and get off work tomorrow!

Ross

I’m gonna call after you!

Chandler

This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore!

Woooo!!!

Monica

All right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van?

Joey

Really. And what do you mean you never have fun anymore? You have fun with me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book?

Ross

Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandalf is like the party wizard!

Joey

Well, why do you call him Gandalf?

Ross

Gandalf the wizard. [Joey is still confused] Hello! Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?

Joey

No, I had sex in high school.