JJudge
Mr. Foreman, how say you?
FMr. Foreman
We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
ChrisOh, no!
[the Kool-Aid Man bursts into the courtroom again]
KAKool-Aid-Man
OH, YEAH! [everyone stares at him, and he slowly backs out of the room]
JJudge
Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you.
All right, children, your mammy and pappy asked me to look after you for the next couple days, so I wanna lay down a few ground rules: no cussin', clean ya plates, and only a half-hour of radio and then it's off to bed.
Chris
Well, that sucks.
And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in ya penis.
[Chris is depressed because Anna left him]
Chris, honey, what's wrong?
Chris
Anna took a dump on me.
Chris
Yeah, she broke up with me.
Oh-ho, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.
Chris
What's the difference?
Well, when two people love each other very much, sometimes they show it by- y- never mind.
CCarl
Hey, Chris, you know what I just got? That box set of Lord of the Rings. It's awesome.
Chris
Yeah! But you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the end of the 3rd one?
Chris
Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending 3 movies walking there?
CCarl
Well, that's not what it's about, Chris. It's about the quest.
Chris
I'm not arguing that with you. I'm just saying there's a hole in the story.
CCarl
Did you like the movie?
Chris
Well, that's not the point.
CCarl
Did you like the movie?
Chris
Of course. I love the movie. But look. I'm no writer. But if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it.
CCarl
So, you didn't like the eagle?
Chris
No, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful, but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.
CCarl
Oh. Have you ever seen Krull?
Chris
No.
CCarl
Yeah, you don't need to see Krull.
[Chris has lost his popularity after an embarrassing video of himself was released]
Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous.
Chris Griffin
I do, Dad. And, Meg, I'm really sorry I was such a douche.
Well, there is a way you can make it up to me.
Chris Griffin
How?
Tell me what it was like, being one of them.
Chris Griffin
It was like basking in the warm glow of a higher intelligence as it envelops you and allows you to become part of its everlasting glory.
[Brian announces he's starting The Quahog Aminal Equal Rights League]
Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
No, PETA, the organization.
PETA is an acronym, Peter.
No, I'm not. I'm Catholic!
No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Someone is having a rally for me now?
I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA.
Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy!
Chris
I think Betty White is in PETA.
That doesn't even make any sense!
[Peter has amnesia]
Chris
Hi, Dad. I'm Chris. I'm your son.
Never seen you before in my life.
Chris
Really? Then I must be invisible! [takes off his clothes and runs outside] Hey, everybody! I'm invisible!
Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!
Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.
Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.
You got a point there, hot stuff. [smacks her rear end] And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris
Yay!
Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids.
Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. [everyone else gasps] It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
That's your sense of humor?!
Chris
Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?
I was just trying to be funny.
That wasn't funny, that was just dark.
Yeah, that's your father!
Chris
[shoves Meg out of the kitchen] Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here!
[Seeing Meg's new appearance]
Meg! You look so different!
Chris
How was prison?
First question: who's the biggest. toughest guy in this house?
Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction-
[Meg knocks Peter off the couch, beats him and breaks all his teeth]
My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest?
[lifting his hand up] I know my way around a joke- [Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]
Chris
For God's sake, Dad! have some humility, it'll save your life!
There better be beer in the fridge. [Meg leaves the room]
Chris
Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website.
[a real photo of a female lab technician appears]
WWoman
I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face.
[a real photo of a male construction worker appears]
MMan
I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor.
[a real photo of college students and their professor appears]
MSMale Student
We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside?
EEllen
Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself.
Chris
Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do?
EEllen
That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska.
[Peter finishes telling the story]
[The power comes back on and the Griffins cheer]
Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Chris
Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad.
Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central.
Chris
It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.
I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has.
Chris
I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Oh, yeah? All 42 of them?
Chris
[sighs] I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.
Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without a Paddle.
Chris
FUCK YOU, DAD! [storms off]
[Connie and her friends wait impatiently outside the closet for those inside who are making out]
CConnie
[knocks] C'mon, you guys. It's been well over 7 minutes. [knocks again] Let's go! Other people wanna use the closet!
[she opens the door]
[she and her friends suddenly react to what they see]
[Meg and Chris, out of costume, are kissing in their underwear in the closet; they suddenly stop when they notice that they are being watched, then look at each other nervously]
Chris
Meg?
[both scream in shock]
OH, MY GOD! What are you doing here?!
Chris
Tryin' to grab some boob!
Chris
I didn't know it was you!
Well, who did you think it was?!
Chris
Some bitch! Who cares?!
[coughs] OH, MY GOD! Oh! WE DID SO MUCH!
Chris
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
WE'RE DISGUSTING! WE'RE A DISGRACE TO OUR FAMILY!
MDMan dressed as Clinton
[in his underpants] Ah! Maybe I can get in on this!
[after an exasperated Chris blows up in front of Peter and Lois]
Chris
I think we should go live with Mom...
I just heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating.
Family Guy · 775 quotes
