ChrisBoobies!
Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
Chris
Boobies!
Did you hear me, young man?
I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!
Chris
Boobies!
Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
Chris
Elephants are bigger in person!
LMrs. Lockhart
Good morning, class.
COChris and other students
Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.
LMrs. Lockhart
I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?
[she holds up Chris' failed quiz in front of her chest; Chris takes a gander]
Chris
Two Ds and an F.
All right, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. [he, Stewie, Chris and Brian chug the ipecac bottles] Okay, here we go. [short pause] How's everybody doing?
Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was-- [starts vomiting]
Ooh, one down! I know somebody who won't be having any-- [starts vomiting]
Chris
[feels his upset stomach] I'm starting to feel funny.
Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna-- [starts vomiting]
Chris
Oh, boy! [gets up] That means I win! I get to eat the-- [starts vomiting]
[vomits again] Oh... Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me? But-- [vomits again]
Oh, my god! My insides are on fire-- [vomits again]
No, please...no more...no more, no-- [vomits again]
Chris
Dad, I'm scared... [vomits again]
Get the phone, call 911-- [vomits again]
Lois! Lois, Lois! Get in here-- [vomits again]
Ugh. Okay. Okay. I think it's all gone. I think i-- [vomits again]
I don't wanna... I don't wanna-- [vomits again]
Ugh! Peter, I need you to hold my ears--
[Brian vomits, Peter vomits on Brian's ears and Brian vomits again. The vomiting stops for a bit, everyone starts groaning and moaning, and the whole living room is covered in puke.]
[enters with a pot] Who wants chowder?
[Peter, Stewie, Brian and Chris resume vomiting, Lois sees them in shock]
(after Lois has recovered from her heart attack) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine.
Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?
Chris, we all love your hat.
Chris
Thanks, Mom! [to Dr. Hartman] Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?
Well, we stored it all in this storage room. [opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]
Uhhhh...it's exactly what it looks like.
[actor Matthew McConaughey, soaking wet, enters the Griffin residence]
Chris
Matthew McConaughey?
MMcConaughey
Yeah, I'm lookin' for a guy named Stewie.
[Stewie shoots an arrow through his left eye; McConaughey collapses; Stewie grabs him]
Chris, grab his legs! I gotta bury this thing.
Chris
But I...
[Chris does so, and both brothers carry McConaughey out of the house]
The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But, since we're gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you: I did not care for The Godfather.
Did not care for The Godfather.
Chris
How can you even say that?
Peter, it’s so good- it’s like the perfect movie.
This is what everyone always says- everyone always says [imitates various voices telling him they also disagree]
Chris
Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, I mean- ROBERT DUVALL!
I know- look, fine, fine actor, did not like the movie.
Explain yourself, what didn’t you like about it?
It insists upon itself, Lois.
What does that even mean?
Chris
‘Cause it has a valid point to make, it’s insistent!
It takes forever gettin’ in, you spend nearly six-and-a-half hours and then- you know I can’t even finish the movie; I’ve never even seen the ending.
Chris
You’ve never seen the ending?!
Well how can you say you don’t like it if you haven’t given it a chance?
I agree with Stewie, it’s not really fair.
I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sittin’ around in the easy chairs-
Yeah, that’s a great scene. I love that scene.
I have no idea what they’re talkin’ about; it’s like they’re speaking a different language- that’s why I lose interest.
Chris
They’re speaking Italian!
The language they’re speaking is a language of subtlety, something you don’t understand.
I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement.
Chris
I like that movie, too.
Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?
Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.
[cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]
Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.
Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!
Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin!
[Stewie walks in, wearing a tribal skirt and a drum for some reason]
[in the bar]
Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.
[cut to Lois sitting on the couch; Chris walks in]
Chris
[nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.
[in a shaky voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]
[in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!
So, how was work today, Meg? [Peter angrily raspberries] Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg. [Peter angrily raspberries again] And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg."
[Peter angrily raspberries yet again] So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? [Peter angrily raspberries again]
Chris
[laughs] Meg! [Peter angrily raspberries again] MEG! [Peter angrily raspberries even louder] Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! [Peter angrily raspberries 7 times; quietly] Meg... [Peter angrily raspberries quietly]
I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job! [Peter whispers into Brian's ear]
Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
What did he just say to you?
Nothing. There was-- It's like if you-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg. [Peter raspberries again]
[deleted scene on DVD; Chris marches up to Quagmire, who is watering the lawn]
Hey, Chris, what's going on?
Chris
Give me your car keys.
Chris
[furiously] I said GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS!! [starts yelling while beating Quagmire up with headbutting, kicking and punching, then knocks him to the ground and pounds him] It didn't have to be this way, Glenn! [takes Quagmire's car keys] You should've given me your keys. [gets in Quagmire's car and drives off]
[enters the scene] Quagmire, what the hell happened to you?
Your damn kid just totally kicked my ass!
No, you dummy, Chris! He came over here, beat the crap out of me and took my car!
Well, Chris is gonna get it, as soon as I get my hands on him.
[Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]
Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP! [he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]
OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!
[enters] What happened? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!
You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.
Chris
[finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!
We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!
[enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?
FFulcher
What are you doin' here?
I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm gonna beat ya, and then my son, Chris, is gonna beat ya. It's gonna be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.
Chris
Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him.
FFulcher
Yeah, I have MS.
Oh, ya hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's braggin' about it. Now you really got me mad.
[Peter finishes telling the story]
[the lights come back on and the Griffins cheer]
Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained! That was a great story!
Chris
Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris
I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Oh, really? Define decent.
Chris
I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Well, yeah, but double ten people is like, twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here? Who knows?
Chris
Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the REAL networks.
Chris
[chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.
And besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? What is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with "Star Wars" dolls. Oh, yay, yaaay! Tune me in for that.
Chris
Oh, so you do know the show?
I read part of a review online. I'm not a fan.
Chris
[angrily] You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!
[after Chris leaves, Peter sings the Star Wars theme, with the screen cutting to black afterwards]
Family Guy · 775 quotes
