Scenes with Peter Griffin 321
PeterAll right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will.
[he puts on a Quagmire mask]
Peter
Hey, look at me! I'm Quagmire! I had sex with your wife! Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!
[Cleveland laughs]
Those are so his mannerisms. [laughs]
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Peter
I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire! And I'm doin' you, Loretta!
[he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]
[the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; they shout inaudiably, much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]
Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD!
Peter
My whole world has been turned upside down! Black is east, up is white!
Uh, Peter, I don't want to say "I told you so" for not being a genius, but... YEEEAAAAHHH! IN YO' FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD! I'm...I'm sorry about that.
I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.
JJudge
Well, if there's nothing further, I hereby sentence--
Peter
Wait, wait, wait. Your Honor, there is something further. Look, I know I screwed up big time. But I only did it so I could get my kids back. I love them. And I think it's a bum rap that just because I'm retarded that makes me an unfit parent. There are plenty of unfit parents out there who aren't retarded but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say?
JJudge
Are you kidding? You're a monster! In fact, if I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free.
Peter
Does that mean I get my kids back?
JJudge
Absolutely not! Case closed! [bangs his gavel]
Peter
Oh, crap! [to the judge] Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison.
JJudge
Aw, I already banged the hammer!
Peter
All right, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. [he, Stewie, Chris and Brian chug the ipecac bottles] Okay, here we go. [short pause] How's everybody doing?
Peter
All right, all right.
Peter
Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was-- [starts vomiting]
Ooh, one down! I know somebody who won't be having any-- [starts vomiting]
[feels his upset stomach] I'm starting to feel funny.
Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna-- [starts vomiting]
Oh, boy! [gets up] That means I win! I get to eat the-- [starts vomiting]
[vomits again] Oh... Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me? But-- [vomits again]
Peter
Oh, my god! My insides are on fire-- [vomits again]
No, please...no more...no more, no-- [vomits again]
Dad, I'm scared... [vomits again]
Get the phone, call 911-- [vomits again]
Peter
Lois! Lois, Lois! Get in here-- [vomits again]
Ugh. Okay. Okay. I think it's all gone. I think i-- [vomits again]
I don't wanna... I don't wanna-- [vomits again]
Ugh! Peter, I need you to hold my ears--
[Brian vomits, Peter vomits on Brian's ears and Brian vomits again. The vomiting stops for a bit, everyone starts groaning and moaning, and the whole living room is covered in puke.]
[enters with a pot] Who wants chowder?
[Peter, Stewie, Brian and Chris resume vomiting, Lois sees them in shock]
Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids.
[cut to Peter in a hospital with four kids in beds]
Peter
Hi there, how y'all doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all find out about that when you get ol- [the kids stare at him] Oh, uh, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- [hears a kid moaning; Peter walks up to his bed] Oh, we got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler?
Peter
Tell me about it. So, anyway, who hates flying?
Peter
So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat.
Peter
No, no. I just - I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on - on - on your poopdeck. [Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair].
[reads The Da Vinci Code] Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air.
[cut to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]
Peter
Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo!
Peter
[gasps] Where's Daddy? [covers eyes]
What? [looks around] Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see. Well, he must really be gone. [starts picking his nose]
Peter
[removes hands from eyes] Peek-a-boo!
Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my-- [Peter covers his eyes again] Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence.
[Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire float on a raft after the storm]
We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'.
[Peter eats something]
Peter
[stops] What?
You bastard! You have food?!
Peter
I don't know what you're talkin' about.
[he and Peter fight over what Peter has been eating until Joe screams at what he has seen; Cleveland and Quagmire shout in shock]
Peter! You've been eating my legs?!
Peter
Yeah. See, now, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Peter
Look, look, Joe, I...!
Peter
Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree.
[Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire exit their cruise ship and return to Quahog]
Well, that was a great cruise.
Peter
Yeah. The buffet was great!
And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet.
[two men carry an incapacitated Skeet Ulrich on a stretcher]
MMan
Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich. We'll get you to the hospital.
UUlrich
[to Cleveland; in pain and anger] You bastard!
There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.
UUnemployer
Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery.
Peter
Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study.
[cut to two doctors in a small window]
DDoctor
Hmm. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. [screen turns to Peter on a desk and three bears in others]
Peter
I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, let me look at- [turns to see the puzzle, a jar of jam] Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were...
Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went.
[Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]
Dad? What the hell are you doing!?
Peter
[drunk] Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do you sell pants?
[Peter and Brian watch TV]
AAnnouncer
And now, stay tuned for Three's Company.
[the television shows Three's Company]
CChrissy
Jack, are you out there? I wanna show you my new bikini.
[her top is blacked out]
Peter
What the hell?! Why they blockin' out all the good stuff?
[he switches to another station showing The Dick Van Dyke Show, with "Dick" and "Dyke" crossed out in the title]
AAnnouncer
It's The [bleep] Van [bleep] Show, starring [bleep] Van [bleep].
Peter
They're messin' with my shows!
Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.
[flashback to said episode of said program]
RRalph
One of these days, Alice, one of these days,...!
DVDubbed voice
[over Ralph's line: "Pow! Right to the moon!"] I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.
[back to the present]
This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant.
Peter
What the hell?! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot! Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this!
[Peter starts his broadcast of PTV]
Peter
Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin, and you're watchin' PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing, and farts intact. Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.
[he shows a clip of said episode of All in the Family; Archie burns down a cross in front of George's house]
AArchie
Time for you to move there, Jefferson!
EEdith
Oh, Archie! I can't see outta my sheet!
AArchie
Edith, will ya stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus!
[cut back to PTV]
Peter
And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons?
[he shows a clip of said episode of The Waltons]
MEMary Ellen
Good night, Jim-Bob.
JBJim-Bob
Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Pa.
PPa
Good night, Jim-Bob. Good night, Elizabeth.
EElizabeth
Good night, Pa. Good night, Ma.
MMa
Good night, Elizabeth. Good night, John-Boy. [silence] Good night, John-Boy.
[she walks up to John-Boy's door and opens it]
JBJohn-Boy
Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?
[Peter shoots at the ceiling of the living room. Part of it falls down; Chris falls through it and onto the floor]
Peter
Go to your room.
Okay! [heads upstairs and falls through to the floor again]
We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie?
[Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]
Everybody looks like ants!
Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.
Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. [holds his finger out, Peter pulls it] Wait... [farts] Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer!
[Lois furiously comes into the house, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]
Peter
Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner?
Family Guy · 775 quotes
