Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Lois

The internet pretty much only lets us fire white males, so if you're not a white male, you're safe.

Peter

So is Derek Jeter safe?

Safe! He's half black!

Lois

Okay, Go, Stewie! Ha!, Isn't this exciting?

Peter

Yeah, but I don't like little Kyle Kaepernick kneelin' durin' the National Anthem.

Peter

Boo! Get on your feet!

Peter

Boo! Down in front!

Peter

That woman looks exactly like me.

Meg

That's your reflection, Dad.

Peter

Oh ... I'm beautiful.

Peter

This is the story of the greatest trilogy ever told … The Mighty Ducks. It was a time of great nonsense,...

Meg

Dad, why don't you tell us how you and mom fell in love and got married?

Chris

And in go the earbuds.

Quagmire

I got a promotion at Blockbuster!

Peter

Gleonard Quagmire, that is fantastic news.

Quagmire

I know, right? Do you know how I always felt like I was stuck in second gear? Well, this is new gear!

Romeo? Romeo? Oh, wherefore?

Stupid...

I don't understand. We had a plan! Did you think I was dead just because I faked my own death?! Maybe there's still poison on your lips. [kisses Romeo] Mm.. alas... just CostCo hotdog... Well, a boy I knew for three days is dead. And on top of that, WNBA season is over, and it's still two months till figure skating starts!

Lois

We're having people over! I just got off the phone with my mom and all the Pewterschmidts are coming here for Thanksgiving.

Peter

I can't believe you invited the whole family. You know I hate big Thanksgiving.

Lois

Don't worry, Peter. It's gonna be fun and I can handle most of the prep, myself. I just need you to go to the market and get some extra napkins.

Peter

That's not so bad.

Lois

Oh, and pick up some wine for the adults.

Peter

I can do that.

Lois

And put the extra leaf on the dining room table.

Peter

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

Meg

Dad, I'm going to ask you one question, and how you answer it will determine the rest of my life. Were you the Santa at this mall yesterday?

Peter

No.

Peter

Now, Meg, I got a question for you: is there really a weight limit for the escalator, or did I just meet some mean kids?

Peter

Your mother's right, Chris. You don't wanna miss this up, like Skee-Lo messed up his wishes.

Uh, I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat.

Peter

[exasperated] Skee-Lo!

What?

Peter

You need money!

Joe

So long, bitchy 2AM blanket pulls.

Peter

Ahhh, there we go.

Meg

(bleeps) Dad.

Lois

Peter, I don't want to have to ground you! You're my husband, and I just don't want you to lie to me!

Peter

I lie to you 'cause you treat me like a kid!

Lois

Act like a man, and I'll stop treating you like a kid.

Peter

Look like a kid, I'll start acting like a man.

Lois

What?

Peter

Hey, thanks for coming. Take a seat.

Meg

What's up?

Peter

[sigh] This is really the toughest part of the business, isn't it?

Meg

Oh my God. Are you trading me?

Peter

Looks, it's nothing personal. You've been very professional as a family member but ... here's the thing. We're sending you down to American Dad!.

Meg

No! What? No!

Peter

Well, they're not excited about it either. I guess I could call The Orville.

Meg

[sigh] I'll do American Dad!.

[trapped inside the kitchen] Is there food on the floor? I can clean it up!

Peter

No!

[observes the party from the kitchen] Joe dropped a cracker! Joe dropped a cracker!

Peter

Okay, Meg. If this is you, what's your birthday?

Meg

March 23rd.

Peter

I have no idea if that's correct. Good day, sir.

Peter

Hey, buddy. What brings you around at this late hour with your uniform on and your hat held mournfully against your chest?

Joe

Peter, Lois, it pains me above the waist to tell you that Meg is dead.

Lois

What?!

Peter

What are you talking about? Meg's right here.

Peter

You know, it's weird that didn't happen on the pier all day.

Chris

Or when we rented that convertible.

Lois

[to Joe] How did this happen?!

Joe

She got in a car wreck, and was burned beyond recognition, and I leveled up on Fortnite this weekend, but you probably only care about the first two things.

Lois

Oh, dear God, no!

Joe

All we found was Meg's driver's license at the scene. It had her Quiznos punch card stuck to the back. Your little angel was one stamp away from a free sub, which only adds to this horrific tragedy. It's actually pretty impressive, because the card was only issued three days ago. Usually one of the guys would swipe a thing like this, use it on the way home, but I snagged it for ya. Thought Meg's family ought to be the ones to enjoy the free sandwich. Again, I'm very sorry.