I don't think you're supposed to have your feet on the table.
MDMaître D'
Young man, I'm gonna have to ask you to take your feet off the table.
What if I don't feel like it?
MDMaître D'
Then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
[stands up] What if I don't feel like doing that, either?
MDMaître D'
You're with the Employee of the Month, aren't you?
[Chris argues with the Maître D', offscreen]
What is goin' on over there?
JuliusIs that Chris?
[Chris yells at Maître D' in slow-mo, with "Everybody Plays the Fool" playing in the background]
[Normal speed]
[heartbeat thumps as Rochelle gets furious at Chris, who is shocked with an "Oh, crap!" look on his face. Scene cuts to hospital.]
DDoctor
How's everything going in here?
Doctor, is he going to be okay?
DDoctor
[about the X-ray of Rochelle's shoe stuck in Chris' butt] Well, I think we'll be able to get it out, but you won't be able to wear that shoe again. Hang in there, big guy.
How you feeling, sweetie?
Well, why were you acting like that?
Just trying to impress Tasha.
[confused] By acting like an idiot?
No. She said she liked bad boys, like Flavor Flav. Trying to act like him.
Baby, you can only be who you are. If she doesn't want you, then you don't want her.
That day, I learned the most important lesson in life: Be yourself, or get a pump in your ass.
Mommy's gonna get you some ice chips, okay?
Better get a shoehorn, too.
[to Rochelle] Hi. [to Chris] Hey, Chris.
Yeah, I'll be fine. I just wanted to apologize for acting like such an idiot. Forgive me?
Yeah, it's okay. That's what friends are for.
[seeing Chris' X-Ray.] Is this your X-ray?
Crazy like a boy with a shoe up his butt.
[Chris cries in pain]
[Serving dinner, which consists only of toast] See, I got wheat toast and white toast and raisin and crust and crustless.
Mommy also has grape jelly, strawberry jelly, hot sauce...
...honey, and syrup to dip your crust in.
Julius
[To Tonya] Um, did you finish up those quarters like I asked?
Julius
[smiles] Good girl.
Hey Chris, can you pass me the hot sauce?
My Uncle Ryan was Drew's favorite uncle because he was a dreamer, and his dream was to open a successful business. He had some bad ideas.
Some people like the inside of the bread. This is for people that like the outside.
This is for people who like bypass surgery.
Julius
[eating a bread crust] How much you need?
And a couple of good ideas.
They got 31 flavors of ice cream, I got 31 flavors of chocolate milk. Swiss chocolate, cinnamon chocolate, raspberry chocolate, maple chocolate, peanut butter chocolate. You gotta get in on this.
Julius
Well, what flavor is this?
Milk chocolate chocolate milk?
Official drink of diabetes.
Julius
Rochelle, it just burns me up to think that we're up here workin' while Mr. Omar's downstairs in our house, chillin'. Oh, he's not that bad.
"Not bad?" Julius, in one night he managed to drink all the Kool-Aid, file his toenails on my table, and keep me up half the night playin' records.
Julius
Maybe he is a little nuisance.
Julius
Anything can happen at any time. A toilet could fall outta the sky and crush you. A bus door could clamp on your neck and choke you. A poisonous lizard could escape from the zoo and bite you. You could fall off a bridge and drown, and you could trip and fall in front of a power mower and be decapitated. You could be smokin' a cigarette and blow up while siphonin' 65 cents' worth of gas, and you could eat some bad coleslaw and get diarrhea and die of dehydration. You could step in a puddle and be electrocuted by a downed wire. You could blow your nose and startle a cat with rabies...
OK, OK, we get it! We can die at any time, and you're happy!
While I had it hard, my father became a soft touch.
Julius
Regular or premium?
Julius
[giving Risky some money] Here you go.
I need to get my hairdryer fixed.
Julius
Just buy yourself a new one. [gives Vanessa some money]
I need some ammo for my bazooka.
Julius
Anti-tank or anti-personnel?
Julius
[giving Monk some money] Here you go.
Can you lemme hold some bail money?
Julius
And get yourself a lawyer, too. [gives Jerome some money]
PPoliceman
C'mon, boy. [drags Jerome away]
Everybody Hates Chris · 729 quotes
