Julius Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Rochelle

If nothing's wrong, then why are you bringin' me flowers?

Julius

I'm just tryin' to treat you the way I would wanna be treated if I was married to me.

Narrator

Now legal in California.

Narrator

New Year's Eve was big in Bed-Stuy because it gave everybody a chance to make new resolutions. Unfortunately, most people didn't follow through on them. Not my mother.

Rochelle

This year, I'm gonna stop yellin' at my children.

Narrator

No you're not!

Rochelle

Who put a glass on my table without a coaster?!

Narrator

Not my sister.

Tonya

This year, I'm not going to get Chris in trouble anymore.

Narrator

Yes you will!

Rochelle

[off-screen] Who's been in my make-up bag?!

Tonya

Chris did it!

Narrator

Not my father.

Julius

I'm gonna stop worryin' about my money.

Narrator

Stop lyin'!

Julius

Chris, close that door! You just left out 86 cents' worth of refrigeration!

Narrator

Not my brother.

Drew

This year, I'm not gonna take any more girls from Chris.

Narrator

We'll see about that!

That's so sweet, Drew. Who's Chris?

Chris

I'm Chris. You came in with me.

Julius

You eatin' a Slopper?

Rochelle

You want a bite?

Julius

So I've been spendin' money on shakes while you've been wastin' money on food?!

Narrator

Only my father would think food was a waste of money.

Yes.

Julius

I work two jobs and you let me leave the house with nothin' on my stomach but a fish juice shake?!

Narrator

Not cool unless your husband's a shark.

Julius

If this is how you do it and you tryin' to get skinny, I'd rather have you fat.

Narrator

That's what Kirstie Alley's man said to her.

Chris

They call me the Black Plague.

Rochelle

Isn't that an insult?

Julius

I'm just glad you winnin'. We don't wanna know the things they call Jackie Robinson.

Narrator

If you really wanna know, ask Michael Richards or Don Imus.

You're under arrest!

Julius

What!? What am I under arrest for?

30 unpaid parking tickets from 1982!

Julius

Parkin' tickets?!

Yeah, maybe next time you'll think twice before you try to cheat New York City out of a QUARTER!

Julius

Does this mean I don't get the free TV?

Julius

Why you starin' at my feet?

Narrator

She loves your bunions.

Narrator

A bag of weed can cause you all kinds of problems: Big ones, like losin' your job, and little ones, like tryin' to figure out where to hide it. I thought about hidin' it in the bathroom.

Julius

Who's hidin' $27 worth of weed in the toilet?

Narrator

I thought about hidin' it in my room.

Tonya

Momma! Somebody hid some weed in Chris' sock drawer!

Narrator

I even thought about hidin' it in the kitchen.

Rochelle

Who hid weed in my cereal?!

Narrator

But I decided the safest place to hide it was on me.

Julius

How many times do I have to tell you kids, the Jamaicans do not sell records?

Narrator

Or if they do, they're Sean Paul.

Julius

You did somethin' I didn't like, now I'm doin' somethin' you don't like.

Narrator

You're lucky he didn't make you pay $12!

Drew

What are you doing?

Julius

Nothing.

Narrator

Nothing he wants you to know about.

Rochelle

Why is everybody lookin' at me?

Julius

Because you smokin' a carrot.

Rochelle

Where have you been?

Julius

I stopped to get coffee.

Narrator

With his coffee coupon.

Julius

I just need to understand why you would talk to your mother like that.

Chris

Dad, Drew and Tonya were sittin' down watchin' TV and I'm the only one Mom said to go clean up. It's just not fair. You raised me to stand up for myself, so why do I get in trouble when I do it at home?

Julius

Look, Chris, you might win the battle, but you're gonna lose the war. Sometimes it's not about just being right. Hey, look, you need to apologize to your mother.

Chris

Why?

Julius

Because she will make your life miserable. Do you know how many times I've been right and still had to apologize? 469,531 times!

Narrator

And countin'!

Chris

How is that even possible?

Julius

Because she doesn't care!

Chris

It doesn't make any sense!

Julius

Exactly. Look, that's the #1 rule of livin' with women: Nothing makes sense. When you learn this, then you'll finally understand what it is to be a man. Wrong or right, you still have to be sorry.

Narrator

I had survived the walk home. Now all I had to do was apologize, and my life would go back to normal.

Julius

Why is this table such a mess?

Narrator

Somebody fired the maid.