Julius Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Go talk to Kill Moves, 'cause Kill Moves has his ear to the street.

Julius

What do you hear, Kill Moves?

Kill Moves

Four riders, two on ponies.

Julius

No! About my place gettin' robbed.

Kill Moves

I didn't hear anything about that, but don't say I didn't warn you about the comin' Indian attack.

Julius

They took my meat! All of it! Steaks, hamburgers, hot dogs, bologna!

Narrator

If they stole that stuff earlier, maybe he wouldn't have the gout.

Chris

[about the dog] Can we name him?

Julius

He already has a name: Blackie.

Drew

But he's brown.

Julius

You black and you brown.

Rochelle

Is this remedy of yours gonna work?

Julius

Oh, it'll work. It's been passed down for generations. My mother got it from my grandmother who got it from her great-grandmother who got it from a Puerto Rican lady.

Narrator

My father's home remedies were legendary. If you had a headache...

Julius

Baking soda and a pomegranate.

Narrator

If you were nauseous...

Julius

Catfish and grape jelly.

Narrator

If you were blind...

Julius

A tin cup and a white cane.

Narrator

Hey, he couldn't cure everything.

Narrator

Greg was drivin' me up the wall and my dad was about to get taken for a ride.

Julius

Where to?

Las Vegas.

Julius

Seriously, man, where to?

Las Vegas, Nevada.

Julius

Man, you crazy. Get outta my cab!

Hey, no, seriously, brother, I really need to get to Las Vegas.

Julius

Look, I cannot take you to Las Vegas!

Would you take me to Las Vegas for $1000?

Narrator

For $1000, he'd take you to South Africa during the height of apartheid.

Julius

Why don't you just fly to Vegas?

Oh, um... I'm, um... I'm claustrophobic.

Narrator

Not to mention truthophobic!

Julius

[on the phone] Rochelle, it's me. Listen, I won't be home for dinner tonight. I have to take a passenger to Vegas.

Rochelle

Vegas?! Julius, are you crazy? What about your regular job?

Julius

I have a few sick days I can use. I'll be back by the end of the week.

Rochelle

Julius, you are not drivin' that cab to Vegas.

Julius

The guy's gonna pay me $1000.

Rochelle

Get me Wayne Newton's autograph. Bye! [hangs up]

Julius

How was it havin' Greg over?

Chris

Cool. Can he stay over again sometime?

Rochelle

Are you nuts?! I never worked so hard in my entire life!

Drew

And I want my bed back!

Tonya

And she is not makin' me eat no more tofu.

Julius

Whoa, you gave your brother's bed to Greg?!

Drew

And you sit up here washin' dishes for the white man!

Tonya

And that little TV show NOVA was boring!

Rochelle

I'm tired of bein' a vegetarian short-order cook!

Julius

I got a good feeling about you and Karen. What's goin' on?

Come out with your hands up!

Look, before you picked me up, I robbed a bank.

Julius

Robbed a bank?!

And every place we stopped since we left Jersey.

Julius

You just can't quit every time you don't like something. What if Miles Davis quit the trumpet?

Chris

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. What if George Washington Carver quit the peanut? What if B.B. King quit Lucille? What if Paul Robeson quit "Ol' Man River?" What if Bill Cosby quit Jell-O? What if Mr. T quit "pityin' the fool?" What if Stevie quit Wonderin'? What if Fat Albert quit the Cosby Kids? What if Ashford quit Simpson? What if Michael Jackson quit doin' the moonwalk? What if Diana Ross quit the Supremes?

Julius

Diana Ross did quit the Supremes.

Chris

You get my point.

Rochelle

Julius, is something wrong with your food?

Julius

No, uh, I'm just not hungry.

Narrator

For my father to waste food, that could only mean one thing: hell must've frozen over.

Damn, it's cold!

Julius

I can't stop worryin' about this refund. I keep havin' these nightmares. The government's gonna take all we own and we have to end up livin' in the street.

Rochelle

That is not gonna happen.

Narrator

It happened to Redd Foxx.

Tonya

Can I have some money to buy a Christmas present for my friend Monica?

Julius

I'm afraid that's not in accordance with the principles of Kwanzaa.

Narrator

Or my father's cheapness!

Narrator

Since there was no "Kwanzaa Eve" celebration for my family, Christmas Day turned into just another Wednesday.

Drew

Aren't there any Kwanzaa shows on?

Narrator

Yeah. The Bob Hope Kwanzaa Special.

Rochelle

Everything is about Christmas.

Julius

Our ancestors played games and told stories.

Rochelle

Because our ancestors didn't have TV.

Drew

See? That's Kwanzaa's second principle, kujichagulia-- self-determination.

Rochelle

Kuji-what?

Julius

We define ourselves. We don't need the man tellin' us what to watch.

Mr. Omar

What's wrong with y'all? You look like the Grinch stole your Christmas.

Julius

We're not celebratin' Christmas this year. We're celebratin' Kwanzaa.

Drew

Yeah, we're tired of being consumed by this capitalistic nation's mindless consumerism.

Mr. Omar

Tragic.