Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Narrator

Only problem with my mother helping at a book fair was she didn't read books and she wasn't fair.

Rochelle

[to a young girl reading "Hollywood Wives" by Jackie Collins] Girl, does your mother know you over here readin' grown-up books? [takes the book from the girl] Gimme that. [picks up a copy of "Flowers in the Attic" by V.C. Andrews] "Flowers in the Attic." Now that sounds nice. [gives the book to the girl] Read that. You done lost your Jackie Collins mind. And don't cut your eyes at me, either.

Greg

I was up all night packing for everything you might need. I've got peanut butter sandwiches in case we get hungry, I've got some wet naps in case we get sticky from the peanut butter sandwiches, I brought a compass in case we get lost, some extra water, Rolaids, aspirin, a travelling toothbrush...

Chris

Greg, we're going to the movies, not Gilligan's Island.

Narrator

If we did, Greg would've gotten with Mrs. Howell.

What are you doing here?

Greg

I'm an octoroon.

Narrator

In that case, only one-eighth of him should be off from school.

I guess you're just gonna have to wait. And don't bang on this door again.

Narrator

She's lucky he didn't bang on her head!

The speed limit in a school zone is 25, not 50.

Narrator

Not if he's late.

Julius

A new license costs $17.50, and I'm not givin' them people my money till I have to.

Narrator

My father waited until the last possible moment to pay for everything... and I mean everything.

Your meter's only got a minute left.

Julius

When that quarter runs out, I'll put in this one.

Rochelle

Baby, you almost outta gas.

Julius

When that gas runs out, I'll put in some new gas.

Push! Push!

Rochelle

Julius, would you just pay the man, please?!

Push!

Julius

When the baby's all the way out, I'll give him all the money.

Narrator

I was so good at sneakin' around, I thought about joinin' the CIA. [Malvo appears] Or maybe the DOA.

Malvo

I got a question for you, boy. What is today?

Chris

Uh, Wednesday?

Malvo

Nah! Today is two days after the day before yesterday.

Narrator

Malvo was an idiot savant—98% idiot, 2% savant.

Narrator

If I could've, I would've taken the underground railroad.

Is you runnin' to the north?

Chris

No, I'm runnin' from Malvo.

Malvo? You'd have been better off a slave! Get on now, and remember, you ain't seen nothin'!

Vanessa

Turns out he had a whole other family.

Narrator

That's all my mother needed to hear.

Julius

Hey baby.

Hey baby.

Hello Father.

How was work today?

Julius

Good.

May I be excused?

Julius

No. You'd better eat that. That's 46 cents' worth of beans and rice.

Don't worry baby, I'll put it on the credit card.

Julius

Oh. That's good, that's good.

Malvo

You owe Malvo a gold chain.

Narrator

Good thing I didn't stop him from stealing a gold house.

Narrator

When surreptition didn't work, my mother tried confrontation.

Rochelle

[to Julius] Hello. You must think I'm stupid. Oh yeah, Rochelle... is just... an IDIOT!

Rochelle

I don't want you foolin' around with no black magic. You hear me? I don't wanna come home and see no pentagrams and dead goats and chickens and stuff like that. Only good, clean, white magic. You hear me?

Narrator

Why not compromise and do Puerto Rican magic?

Narrator

[about Jerome] He went on to join Public Enemy as one of the guys who looked tough, but was never allowed to rap.

We have a warrant for the arrest of Hilton Reed, a.k.a. DJ Hilly Hill.

Narrator

The first rule of breakin' the law: If the cops are after you, don't stand under a sign with your name on it.

Narrator

My mother had lost more stuff in her purse than the Bermuda Triangle. She lost little things.

Rochelle

There's my lipstick.

Narrator

She lost big things.

Rochelle

There's that skillet.

Narrator

She lost great big things.

Rochelle

There's that gallon of milk.

Narrator

And things she didn't know how she lost.

Rochelle

There's my purse.

Narrator

They might have found Biggie's killer if they looked inside my mother's purse.

Monk

I couldn't imagine going to a baseball game with my father.

Chris

Why not?

Monk

Because they didn't have baseball games in the Quảng Ngãi Province.

Chris

Was your dad in Vietnam?

Narrator

Nope, Queens.

Monk

I don't know, he disappeared when I was two. I haven't seen him since.

Narrator

20 years later, Monk found his father on MySpace. Profile name: Military Mike-tastic.