Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

What's going on?

S1Student 1

He stole my shoes!

S2Student 2

That's my sweater.

S3Student 3

That's my shirt.

S4Student 4

Those are my pants.

Narrator

How the hell did he get home with no pants?!

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Mrs. Milone

You better find something to wear, you can't take a picture in your underwear.

Narrator

I don't think anybody ever told Prince that.

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ATAdult Tonya

Daddy, this is Ronald, my fiancé.

RRonald

Nice to meet you, sir. [Julius shoots him]

ATAdult Tonya

Momma, Daddy shot my fiancé again!

Narrator

Hey, say what you want, but that's effective birth control.

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Momma, can we have our candy back?

No. I ate it. Don't need you all getting any more cavities which you all got. No cavities in this house.

Narrator

But at this rate, there'll be plenty of diabetes.

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Narrator

Next to dealin' drugs, gettin' bad grades was the worst thing you could do. It was worse than this.

[Cutaway to 1993]

Tonya, what happened?

ATAdult Tonya

Momma, I had to smoke that fool.

No, not him! I'm talkin' about this D you got in algebra!

Narrator

And worse than this...

[Cutaway to 1994]

Drew! Where is that boy?! What the hell is wrong with you?

TDTeenage Drew

[dressing a cowboy outfit] I'm followin' my dream, momma. I'm gonna be a country and western singer.

I'm not talkin' about that! I'm talkin' about this F! Now get your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study! Do you think I'm playin' with you? And where you get that guitar from? You better not be sellin' no damn drugs in my house!

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Maxine

Rochelle, can't you make a decent glass of iced tea?

Well, can't you leave her alone? It's iced tea! If you're thirsty, well, then you drink it! If you're not, don't!

Narrator

I would be joining my grandfather sooner than I thought.

Maxine

Are you gonna sit there and let that boy talk to me like that? [to Chris] Boy, don't you know I'll knock you into another family?

[Chris is sitting on a sofa with a white family]

WMWhite mom

Who are you?

You don't wanna know.

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Who ate my Turtles?

Maxine

Oh, is that what you call them things? I ate them, but they was nasty. What's in those things, anyway?

If you didn't like them, why did you eat them? Mama, I am sick of you. Ever since you got here, you have not stopped complaining. Just because Daddy is dead does not mean that you can come into my house and tell everybody what to do. And Michael, get your feet off of my damn couch before I slap the jam out of your toes. Aunt Grievey, stop all that crying. You cried on Easter. You cried on Halloween. You cried on Flag Day. Get some Kleenex, wipe your nose 'cause it ain't that damn sad. And hang up my phone! And Aunt Mousey, take off your coat and speak up. You're over there peeping and squeaking.

[makes squeaking noises]

You sound like a damn rat. Use your words! You're damn near 60 years old! And, Mama, the next time you want to eat my Turtles, the least you could do is like them.

Narrator

She's back!

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What if Jackie Robinson quit? What if George Washington Carver quit? What if Martin Luther King, Jr. quit?

Narrator

When my father had a point to make, he always started off strong, but he never ended that way.

What if Colonel Sanders quit? What if Apollo Creed quit? What if Katherine Jackson quit makin' kids?

Narrator

Ain't she a woman?

They might be The Jackson Three! What if Kool from Kool and the Gang quit? You think they would've gotten a record contract if they were just called "The Gang"?

Narrator

To this day, I can't tell you what my father said, but that smell stayed with me forever.

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Let me in.

No. You smell.

That is the smell of a working man.

No, that is the smell of Aquaman.

Rochelle, open the door.

No. Look, baby, I understand that this job brings you more free time and more money, but I can't take it anymore! The kids can't breathe! I cannot sleep at night! Do you not know that I'm at that Laundromat every day? I've been burnin' so much incense, ten people came by here tryin' to buy reggae albums!

Narrator

[in a Jamaican accent] Hey, 'mon!

What you want me to do?

Quit!

I can't just quit! What kind of example would that be for the kids? Huh? Did Thurgood Marshall quit? Did Frederick Douglass quit? Did Booker T. Washington quit?

I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I want you to quit!

What about takin' the kids to Great Escape? Huh?

Drew

We don't wanna go nowhere with you.

Yeah, Daddy! You stink!

[Rochelle drops a bag of clean clothes down to Julius]

What's this?

Clean clothes.

Where am I supposed to change?

I don't know. Why don't you ask them cats?

[Julius looks down, where a lot of cats are licking his feet]

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Narrator

For free my father would let me learn almost anything.

What are you doing?

Taking "How to Knock Off a Liquor Store" lessons.

How much does it cost?

It's free.

Go ahead.

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Narrator

When I was a teenager, I discovered a lot of new things. I discovered sour milk doesn't always become yogurt.

[Chris pours some milk into his cereal, which comes out looking like yogurt; he tastes it, then spits it out]

Narrator

I discovered the barber who's always available isn't always the best.

[a guy sees blood on his hand and runs out of the barbershop screaming]

BBarber

Next!

Narrator

I also discovered that if you hit people with a truck, they'll do anything you want.

[a clip from "The A-Team" is shown on TV]

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Narrator

My father could've asked my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.

[Cutaway]

Momma, can I go play over at Trisha's house?

What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here, and why you actin' all suspicious?

[Cutaway]

Drew

Hey Mom, what time is it?

What you need to know the time for? What are you gonna do, go rob a bank? You're actin' suspicious.

[Cutaway]

Ma, can I have some more potatoes?

What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you gettin' high? You startin' to act suspicious.

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Narrator

My father has gotten tickets from Risky before: for the Ali-Frazier fight at Madison Square Garden.

Oh!

What happened? Who's down? What happened?

Man!

Narrator

He got him tickets to see Patti LaBelle at Lincoln Center.

What's she wearin'? Has she thrown her shoe yet?

I got Patti's shoe! I got Patti's shoe! Smell it! Smell it! Yeah Patti, I love you girl! Whoo!

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Narrator

It wasn't the first time our parents couldn't go somewhere because one of us got sick.

I got a coupon for a free dinner!

Oh, I'll go get dressed.

Momma, I have rabies!

DAMN!

I got Michael Jackson tickets!

Oh, I'll call the sitter.

Drew

Momma, my eye fell out!

DAMN!

We just won a trip to Miami!

Ooh! I'm gonna go get packed!

Ma, I think I broke my neck.

Damn.