[Opening comments: Josh is emailing his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and prank called Josh]
[looks up from a book] Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before?
[looks up from a magazine] Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up?
See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. [telephone starts ringing] 1 sec. [picks up phone] Hello?
[on the phone in a bad accent] Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department.
[skeptical and aware it's actually Drake] Oh is it?
[still using the bad accent] Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, a code 3.
[getting annoyed with Drake] Code this! [blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up] Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— [telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake] If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour it all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt!
Walter[confused] Josh, it's your father.
Nice try, you big doof! [hangs up the phone] Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he go downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— [looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch with a soda and realizes his mistake] Oh, jeez.
Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me [yelling] WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL!
Well, you see Josh arranged this-this whole friendship ceremony, but-but it turned to be a marriage ceremony.
What!? Drake's the one that said: [whining] "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!!
AAudurey
[confused] What?
Walter
Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage.
I tried. You can't get the marriage annlled unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan.
Oprah is never calling you back!
No. [opens the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table] Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. [Audrey and Walter stare at him] Just trust me.
Walter
Alright, come on. [he and Audrey walk away]
You really think you can fix this?
[opens the window] I think so. But just in case, [grabs a knife holder] best we don't have these in the house. [throws it out the window]
[the family is having dinner]
YYonka
Mmmm! Please. This food is most excellent.
Walter
You know, Josh has always been a wonderful cook. In the 5th grade, he won 1st prize for his brownie recipe. What'd you call that son? Fudgie boos?
Oh, dad, please stop talking.
Walter
No, no, no, that wasn't. It. It was frosty poos.
Right. So I'm gonna get more meat.
YYeesta
So, Drake, you have not, told me how you plan to support my daughter.
Well, my hope is to, become a famous musician and singer.
YYonka
You must get a real job.
Yeah. My grades are very important to me.
Yeah, do you know how hard he works to maintain his "D" average?
YYonka
I say school not so Important. I not go to school, yet I become billionaire by age.
A B-Billionaire? Like with a "B"?
Why you didn't tell me. Your family had a billion dollars? That's worth mentioning... My sweet, sweet wife.
Oh, money... Yooka! Ohhh, Yooka.
YYonka
Josh, this meat is magnificent. We don't have beef like this in our homeland.
YYeesta
Oh? Then what is this meat?
YYeesta
You serve us goatballs?!
YYooka
Josh, how you could do this?!
Well, it was Drake's idea. In fact, he cooked this entire meal.
Be quiet, Josh. They have a billion dollars.
YYooka
Drake! You know that goat is sacred in my country!
Yes, Yes! I know! I would never serve goat to my wonderful Yudonian family with so much money!
[Yonka ends the marriage right away as Yooka's family leaves Drake and Josh's home, much to Drake's horror]
YYonka
Family, we go. Now!
Wait, Wait! Don't go! I love you all so much!
YYeesta
[angrily] BOOSHA!
YYonka
[angrily] THIS MARRIAGE IS NO MORE! [rips up Drake and Yooka's certificate]
Yooka! Yooka, wait! Don't go! What about the love we share?! I'm sorry about the glokmah! Wait. Can't I just have a few million dollars? Please? [Yooka and her family leave] Boosha!
[Walter comes home late while wearing a suit, then he closes the door quietly but he is stopped by Josh]
Walter
Nothing. What makes you think something's up? I mean, heh, come on. Heh, come on.
Walter
Huh?
Walter
I was, um...out buying some milk.
Walter
Hmm?
Walter
I drank it on the way home.
Ok. Why are you wearing a suit?
Walter
What, a man can't look nice when he goes dairy shopping?
So at midnight, you put on a suit, drove to the market, bought some milk, and then drank the entire carton on the way home?
Walter
Look, let's just not tell your mom about this. Alright? Right?
Yeah. Sure. [he runs off]
[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake made]
Walter
[choking and suffering] Cu-cu-cumin!
Cumin!? Cumin!? [angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes] YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!
You told me to put cumin in his waffle!
I said cinnamon. CINNAMON!
Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!
Oh, so I made a little mistake.
A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. [pause] DAD! [they run back into the kitchen] Dad! Dad, what do I do!?
Walter
[choking and suffering] Inhaler!
[mumbles] Help me find it! [he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer] Here! Here! Dad! [puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth] Drake, what do I do? [Drake hits Walter's chest] Are you okay? Is that better?
Walter
Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
[Audrey angrily comes in and has a fight with Walter about finding loose hair in their shower]
[angrily] Walter, I am not happy!
Walter
Why, because your demon waffles didn't kill me?!
Walter
You know, I'm allergic to Cumin.
So? What does that have to do with anything?
Do you think my thumbs are the same size?
If you want to know why I'm not happy, it's because when I got in the shower this morning, I found one of these again. [shows Walter the hairball]
Walter
So I left a little hair in the drain.
How 'bout those red sox? They're good, right?
When I take my morning shower, I do not enjoy stepping on a hamster!
Hey, anyone want a tangelo?
Mmm. / Tangerine, / Hello.
Walter
You know what? I'm going to work.
Fine. Why don't you take this with you? I think it might be "take your hairball to work" day!
Walter
[angrily] See ya!
[after Audrey and Walter angrily leave, Drake picks up Walter's waffle he dropped on the floor and takes a bite]
[Josh grab's Walter's waffle off of Drake's hand and throws it to the plant]
[Drake and Josh both sneak into the restrant that Walter and Peggy are at to tell her to leave their father alone]
PPeggy
Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers?
No, actually uh, Walter is our dad.
PPeggy
Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet.
Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it.
PPeggy
Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would find it exciting.
Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off.
PPeggy
[chuckles] I don't think so.
PPeggy
Because I want your dad.
PPeggy
Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right.
PPeggy
I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him.
Yeah? When we see someone we don't like, we do this. [dumps pasta on Peggy's head]
And sometimes, we even do this. [shoves a cake in Peggy's face, as Walter returns]
Walter
Drake! Josh! What have you done?
PPeggy
Walter.... If this is how you raise your children to behave! Then, I have no interest in pursuing you any further!
Walter
Wait, please-
PPeggy
Goodbye, Walter! [spits at him and angrily storms away]
[Drake and Josh are trumphant as Walter angrily stares at them when he found those them as they we're sneaking in his business]
Alright, we couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom.
Yeah, and ruin our whole family!
We won't tell mom about this whole "episode".
[satisfied] We got your back! [they pat him]
Walter
You think, I was dating that woman?
Walter
Boys, that "skunk-bag" just happens to be the senior producer of Good Morning Today, and she was talking to me about being the weatherman, on the #1 [angrily] NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA!!!
Bye. [try to leave, but Walter stops them]
Walter
No, you're not! You're gonna do something else.
Walter
Uh-huh.
[for costing Walter his job, Drake and Josh are forced to dump food all over themselves as the episode ends]
[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall] Mom, there's a bug on the wall.
[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot] Go kill the bug.
I don't want to kill the bug.
Walter
Josh, she asked you to do it. [Josh gets an orange and throws it at the bug but he misses] GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG!
[worried] Okay. [he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]
Okay, what up with the cane?
[mumbles] I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? [kills the bug with a cane] See? [falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]
Walter
[gets up] JOSH! [he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor] What's the matter with you?
I don't know! This house is tilted!
No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital.
Walter
Let's get his shoe off. [he and Audrey take him to sit on a chair]
Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. [Walter takes off his shoe] I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- [he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan react at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror, as his foot is now a purplish-black and red mess] MORE!!!
Walter
AH!!! JOSH!!!
Looks like mom's meatloaf! [his parents stare at him] Which tastes so good.
He dropped a barbell on it.
Yeah, after you shot me with a potato.
Walter
[curious] Why didn't you tell us about this?
[worried] 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright?
Walter
Oh, come on!
Do you know how serious this could be?
Walter
[after discovering Josh's foot] You could lose that foot!
[whining] But I love this foot!
Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]
If they have to remove his foot, can I have it?
[the family are at the hospital with Josh sitting in a wheelchair]
They have to develop the x-rays.
Just be patient. Get it? "Patient"? [laughs] Oh, why do I try?
Walter
Seriously, Josh, I don't know why you're so freaked out by hospitals.
[three Paramedics wheel in a seriously injured patient on a gurney while a nurse follows them]
PParamedic
Hurry hurry! Somethings gone wrong! Oh, code red! Code red!
NNurse
What's wrong with him?!
I'm outta here! [he tries to wheel away on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back, and he crosses his arms in frustration for failing to escaping]
Look, here comes Drake with your frozen yogurt.
Uh, good. Uh, did they have French vanilla?
[tries to eat the frozen yogurt but notices the cup is empty] It's empty.
[gives the empty cup to Drake] Headaches!
LDr. Lindy
Hi. Sorry to keep you all waiting.
Walter
That's okay, doc.
LDr. Lindy
Well, not so good.
Are you going to have to cut off his foot?
LDr. Lindy
No, it's not that serious. But his foot will require a bit of surgery.
See ya! [he tries to wheel away again on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back, and he crosses his arms in frustration again for escaping]
Stop that. [to Dr. Lindy] So he really needs surgery?
LDr. Lindy
Yes. If he wants to have complete mobility of his left foot, we will have to operate.
Walter
Will you be doing the procedure?
LDr. Lindy
No, we'll get him a foot specialist.
And when does the surgery take place?
LDr. Lindy
A few hours. [Josh squeals] I'll have a nurse check him into a room.
Walter
Thank you.
Oh, they're gonna carve me up like a Christmas ham!
Relax, she said it wasn't serious.
You'll be fine. Now listen, your father is gonna stay here with you while I take Megan home.
Uh, actually, Dad, could you run home and pick me up like a couple magazines and my laptop? Y'know Cause I'm gonn be waiting around for a while.
Walter
You got it, kid.
Megan, don't you want to say something to your brother before you go?
[unnerved] Love you, too. [to Drake] Man, I'm scared.
Don't be scared, man. Look, I'm gonna stay right here with you, okay? You got nothing to worry about.
[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]
[tired, picks up the lamb] Yeah.
[tired] Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... [now awake] You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren't suspicious. [opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who look suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked] THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS!
[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had caused all the trouble they've done]
Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight.
Walter
But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have 2 sheep in your room?
Like technically, the little one is called a lamb.
Walter
Josh.
You, alright, this is all Megan's fault!
No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online.
And then it gave birth on my bed.
[whining] And the whole thing's been really upsetting!
Walter
Okay. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep.
[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room] Hey, what's going on?
Ha! Now she can tell you herself.
Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did!
What are you guys talking-? [sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe] Wow! A sheep! How cute! [gives the sheep a hug] Oh. Where'd you guys get him?
[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]
[worried] What? You got-you-you know good and well.
How long are we grounded?
[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]
[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]
Walter
[stops the boys from leaving] Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going?
We're going to ride The Demonator.
No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols.
Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet.
Why do I always have to grab the feet?
[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]
Walter
Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator.
Yeah, you only have to be this tall. [he puts his hand about yay high]
Walter
The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated.
Oh, come on, he fought in World War II.
The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat!
Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear?
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
