Walter Nichols quotes from Drake &amp; Josh

[in the kitchen] Ha!

Walter

[angrily] IT'S NOT FUNNY!

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[during the end credits, Walter asks Henry to give him his hair back]

Henry

Of course, Walter. Eyes closed.

[as Walter gets ready to have his hair back, Henry leaves right away leaving Walter bald]

Walter

Where'd he go?

Vegas.

Walter

Mr. Doheny, what about my hair?!

Henry

[offscreen] Buy a wig! [he laughs mockingly as he leaves to Las Vegas]

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Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.

Who's ready to go inside?

What is up with you guys?

Walter

Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.

Get ready. [he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]

DJDrake and Josh

HAPPY ANNIVERS- [they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen] -[lamely] sery.

Walter

Drake?

Josh!

Walter

Where's our stuff?

We've been robbed!

[curious] Surprise!

[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]

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Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...

[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]

The Furniture's back!

We did it!

We didn't do anything!

Howdy, boys.

Walter

Surprised?

Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?

The police found the robbers moving van.

Walter

It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.

And they found everything?

Walter

Yep.

It's all here. [smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh] Do I smell rotting sushi?

Yeah, it's a long story.

Uh see we...

Walter

[cuts Josh off at mid sentence] We don't want to know.

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GGreg

[while putting out the fire on Robbie's treehouse after Drake and Josh burned it] Well, fire's out!

Walter

Greg, I am so sorry our kids burned down your son's treehouse.

Yeah, I feel awful.

Yeah, if only Josh wouldn't have put that restrictor plate on first... [Josh shoots him a look]

GGreg

Well, it's alright. I'm just a little worried about how Robbie will react, see he can be a little...

RRobbie

[off-screen] Daddy?

GGreg

Oh no. No, I didn't want it to be like...

RRobbie

[walks up to Greg] Daddy? [turns to the remains of his treehouse, dropping his toy truck in shock] What happened to my treehouse?!

GGreg

Son, [kneels down to Robbie's level] Drake and Josh shot it with a rocket and burned it down.

[Robbie turns to Drake and Josh]

Well, you see, Robbie...

[Robbie unleashes a high-pitched cry that causes the Parker-Nichols family to cover their ears and his cry lasts about 10 seconds before Robbie stops]

[sarcastically] Well, that was pleasant!

RRobbie

Why? Why would you do this to me?

We didn't mean to.

RRobbie

That treehouse was the only place I could cry in private!

Oh, it's okay, Robbie! I'll tell you what, Drake and Josh, are gonna build you a brand new treehouse!

What?

Wait, what?

Walter

You heard her!

GGreg

Well, we are driving up to our cottage in Fresno for the weekend. Can you boys rebuild it, tomorrow?

Wait, tomorrow?

Tomorrow?!

We can't, we have plans.

Of course, they can.

But we have dates, tomorrow!

With hot twins!

Walter

Tough squash.

[to Josh] Squash?

I don't know, he says things...

[to her children] You can go on your dates, after the three of you finish rebuilding Robbie's treehouse!

Whoa, whoa! By the "three of us", I hope you mean Drake, Josh, and Josh's imaginary friend!

Hey!

Mom...

Walter

Drake and Josh said you were helping them with the rocket when it flew through the window.

She was.

So, you have to help rebuild the treehouse tomorrow.

But I'll miss Jeannie's birthday party! [turns to her brothers, venomously whispering] Tell them it wasn't my fault!

[mockingly] Sorry!

Too bad, little girl!

Walter

Now boys, Megan, [angrily whispers] why don't you tell Robbie you're sorry?

DJDrake, Josh, and Megan

We're sorry.

RRobbie

It's okay.

GGreg

[ruffles Robbie's hair] Atta boy!

Hey, hey, maybe you can cheer yourself up by playing with your cool red truck, here. Come on, try it, dude!

RRobbie

I'll try.

[Robbie turns on his truck, and drives it into the remains of the treehouse, a charred piece of wood falls onto the truck, splitting it in half and Robbie proceeds to scream and cry again, causing the Parker-Nichols family to cover their ears and retreat back to their house]

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[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula] Walter, she's here.

Walter

Ooh. [walks before the front door]

Who's here?

Helen, with her grandmother.

[Drake, Josh, and Megan groan]

Walter

Hey! Can we have a better attitude about this? We're doing a nice thing for a sweet old lady. [Lula breaks the door in]

LLula

Where's the bathroom?!

Did you just break our door in?!

LLula

I rang the doorbell, I waited 25 seconds, nobody came, what was I supposed to do?

Maybe ring the bell again.

LLula

[to Helen] Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? [Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]

What, are we gonna pretend that wasn't funny?

Helen

Lula, that's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. [introduces everyone else] That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, Ms. Parker (Audrey), and this is...[forgets who Walter is]

Walter

Walter!

And uh, what do we call you?

LLula

Lula. Where's the bathroom?

Right there through that door.

LLula

Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! [walks into bathroom and slams door]

Is she always so--?

Helen

Buh-bye! [goes away]

I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.

Walter

She's not, she's staying in your room.

What?!

You're gonna stay in the boys' room.

DJDrake, Josh and Megan

What?!

This is an outrage!

Where are we gonna stay?

Walter

[to Drake and Josh] Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.

Aw, this is horrible.

Walter

It's not that bad.

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[while playing with dominos at home] Great present, Walter. [Drake and Josh come home and confront her] What?

You hung up on us.

When we were in a helicopter alone, running out of fuel.

What's your point?

We had to jump out.

With one parachute.

We barely made it.

We had to swim 2 miles,

Until we were rescued by a tuna boat.

Did you bring me some tuna?

Come over here! [Megan screams as Audrey and Walter come home] Come here!

Mom, Walter, you're home, how nice.

Hi, baby.

Walter

Hey, Megan. So how was the water park?

Oh, you know, fun, wet.

I had a churro.

[Vince doorbells and angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house]

I'll get it!

I call knob!

[Drake and Josh are shocked that Vince stopped by the house, much to their horror]

Vince

You blasted me out of my own helicopter.

DJDrake & Josh

Wha-- Shh!

Not in front of our parents.

Who is it?

DJDrake & Josh

Uh--

Some, crazy, guy.

[Josh whistles]

Walter

[to Audrey] I'll handle this. [he walks over to Vince] How can I help you?

Vince

Are you their father?

Walter

Yes. [Vince angrily gives him a bill] What's this?

Vince

[angrily] A BILL. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.

Walter

What? [looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter] $400,000?!

[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]

[as Walter] Boys, you're both grounded.

But Dad--

[as Walter] Grounded, 2 weeks.

But it wasn't our fault!

[as Walter] Upstairs.

[defeated] Yes, sir.

Night.

Night.

[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for 2 weeks as the episode ends]