Desperate Housewives quotes

Susan

You lied to me.

Mike

When? When did I lie to you?

Susan

The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man.

Mike

You can't believe I'm some cold-blood killer.

Susan

No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill herself. I mean, let's face it, Mike. Blind faith is not my friend.

Mike

I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment.

Susan

See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments.

Mike

Susan...

Susan

Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, 'oh, by the way, I once killed a man.' Or when you said, 'hey, let's go jogging', you could have said, 'well, by the way, I once killed a man.' Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, "oh, by the way, I did that once" You didn't.

Edie

Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons.

Susan

He just wants to buy me a burrito.

Bree

Think about how good men are at lying on the spot. Imagine if you gave them time and a pen.

Bree

Porter, what did I tell you?

But I'm hungry.

Bree

Well, then, I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese.

Ew, barf.

Bree

Don't be common, young man.

Gabrielle

Because, one day, when the time is right, we're gonna tell him how he drove me right into your arms, and that's gonna kill him. And tonight, just whatever you do, don't call me beautiful.

Tom

Lynette, the kids are getting older, and they are getting smarter. Soon, they're going to realize that they outnumber us, and then...

Lynette

We're screwed.

Tom

Exactly.

Lynette

Hi. (to Bree) My babysitter cancelled.

Bree

I've got millions of errands to run so...

Lynette

Please hear me out. This is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours. They're actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress. I have make-up on.

Bree

If it were any other day.

Lynette

Oh, for Gods sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.

Rex

Bree, why aren't you dressed?

Bree

I wanted to wear Andrew's favorite color, but I just realized I don't know what it is.

Rex

Bree, I'm sure that you came to see him will be all he needs.

Bree

(ignoring him) A good mother is supposed to know her kids inside and out, but I don't know that.

Rex

Bree...

Bree

Yours is blue, and Danielle loves pink. But I...I can't remember Andrew's. Should I wear the brown, or the green...

Rex

Bree, you are a wonderful mother. And when you are ready, I'll be in the car.

Bree

(quietly, to herself) I'll wear green; everyone likes green.

Andrew

You know what my mom said to me last night? She said she doesn't think I'm going to Heaven. Can you believe that?

I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way you can know Paradise is by repenting your sins.

Andrew

When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was gonna get back at her. From now on, I'm going to be so good. I'm gonna eat my vegetables, I'm,I'm gonna get good grades, I'm gonna say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." I'm gonna make her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, when she least expects it, I'm gonna do something so awful, it is going to rock her world. I mean, it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me. I'll know Paradise.

John

What about me? Can't I be your plan B?

Gabrielle

Damn it, John. What is our new rule?

John

Stop pretending we have a future.

Gabrielle

Thank you.

Gabrielle

If you ever hurt me again, I will kill you.

Carlos

If you ever leave me for another man, I'll kill you.

Gabrielle

Boy, with all this passion, isn't it a shame that we're not having sex?

Gabrielle

I feel trapped.

John

You want me to open a window?

Gabrielle

No, I'm talking about my life.

John

Oh. Are we done making out?

Andrew

(referring to the wine) You don't suppose I can get some of that?

Rex

Nope. I'm gonna need every drop.

Gabrielle

Carlos cut up all my credit cards. I'm married and I can't shop which is the worst of all of all possible worlds.